Limbo

When I was home at Christmas time I wrote about how I felt like a visitor in my own life...that while I visited friends and family it was disjointed and I felt disconnected. And here I am at home again and the feeling of not really belonging anywhere is just as pervasive and maybe even more evident now.

Being home hasn't been easy this time around. My mom's going through some pretty serious medical issues and so the vacation that I thought I was going to get has been almost non-existent. I thought I would be getting rest, relaxation, and pampering. Rather, I find myself in a cycle of frustration, hurt, and sadness as my best friend is, hopefully, temporarily 'missing'. After the year that I've had what with moving across the globe, adjusting to a new job, trying to make a life in a foreign culture, and what God has brought me through, I just needed a break. I haven't gotten that.

Ok. Fine. I can deal with that. My mom means everything to me and she has sacrificed so much for our family that I will do anything for her, but that's also a very lonely place to be in. (Let me pause here and say that while the situation with my mom is often heartbreaking it is not without hope. I know that our God is good. I know that our God is faithful. And I am trusting that He is making a way in the desert as He promises in Isaiah 43) My dad's at work all day and has his own stuff to deal with. My sisters' are not in town and while they support us as much as possible from where they're at when all is said and done it's just me and my mom alone here all day. And so when she asked me today who I was going to for fellowship, for support, and encouragement I realized that I couldn't name anyone other than my sisters, my best friend, and a couple of other people. Granted, I know that Jesus is always with me and that He is my Rock and has been my Rock, but He also created us for relationship, for community.

I guess where I'm at right now is realizing that I don't really belong anywhere anymore. In Rome, I don't have any friends outside of a couple of people because 1) my job keeps me so busy, and 2) I don't speak the language. Meanwhile, here in AZ those people who were my community have kind of dropped off the face of the planet for me. I've called/emailed/texted them and either I don't get a response or it becomes my responsibility to plan everything. And I'm tired of that. I feel invisible. I recognize that life is cyclical and that there is a season for everything under the sun and that people are often in our lives for only a season, but I guess there's a disconnect between my expectations and reality. I know that people are busy with their own lives, their own stuff...but I also know that we invest in what we really care about and what really matters. That's not to say that our friendships weren't cared for or didn't matter, but perhaps it was just for that season and these are relationships that weren't meant to go any further than they did.

I know that I'm not the best at keeping in touch when a friend moves away and I have to ask for forgiveness for that because I now know how it feels to be the one who leaves. It sucks. I guess if nothing else this now causes me to treat people differently as they come in and out of my life because I can relate. I moved around a lot when I was younger and I know what it's like to say goodbye and be the new girl on the block, but as a kid that's easier because kids are more welcoming. As an adult, we're settled, we're in niches, and it's oftentimes hard to insert yourself somewhere new.

I know that the Lord is doing something in my life and has been working in me in this area for quite some time. I know that ultimately whatever He is doing is for my good and His glory. I am trusting that His ways are better than my own. I often ask myself what I'm going to do after I am done in Rome and for a while there I didn't think I'd go back to Phoenix because let's face it: I am so over 117 degree weather, but then I thought I would return because I missed the community that I belonged to. But I don't really  belong to a community there anymore. So maybe what God is doing is preparing me for another 'frontier'; He's preparing me for when I return to the States to a place where I don't know anyone and have to start all over again. I don't know. At this point I'm just typing and trying to process my feelings and thoughts. Perhaps this is my virtual pity party. Whatever it may be, I can say that it feels pretty good to get this off my chest.