Filters

Whether most of us realize it or not we live out of what we have experienced in life. This includes the good, bad, and ugly. Truth is our reactions to things often come out of how we've experienced such things in our past. We all have a filter that life and what happens to us goes through. And sometimes that means that we too are the recipients of other people's filters. Often times the reactions that people have towards us or what we do or say is really a reaction to something that happened to them earlier and not a reflection of us at all.

My dad was the fat kid. He was the one that everyone teased and called butter ball. It breaks my heart to hear the stories of those days and it is so easy for me to see how his life is filtered through that experience. He has a tremendous fear of gaining weight and to some extent food itself. He is constantly trying out new diets and work outs as a way to not revisit that painful past. What has happened as a result of not dealing with that junk, of not facing it head on, is that he has passed some of that on to his daughters, on to me. I can see so clearly how my own struggle with my weight is a product of his experience. He was so afraid for himself and not able to reconcile what he went through vs. who he really is that he has put a tremendous amount of emphasis on how I look...whether I am overweight or not. He has pushed me for nearly 25 years to exercise and "eat right." So much of my life has been made to focus on the external. And I can now say with some assurance that it isn't really about me...it's about that little boy who was teased, taunted, and made to feel less than because of how he looked. And yet, I am the one who has to deal with the fallout of that because that's how he filters his life.

Today he again brought up exercise and how important it is for me to "start a healthy exercise routine" so that I can "feel good and be happy." I asked him what his motivation for bringing this subject up was, a subject that I have told him on numerous occasions is not permissible because of his own prejudices and filter. His response was "because I don't think you have much time left." Yep...because I'm going to die soon because I don't exercise regularly enough for what he thinks I should be doing. At that point, I got up and left the room. He attempted to apologize, but it was an apology that to me isn't real. He feels badly that he hurt my feelings, but refuses to take responsibility for the thinking/filter that prompted that statement in the first place. Inevitably he will say something like that again because that's what he believes deep down inside. We sat at a park for over an hour afterwards in silence because he was unable to hear me. Yes, he listened to what I had to say...but that's it. Listening and hearing are not the same thing. Hearing requires action on someones part....processing what has been said and then making a decision on how to proceed. Listening just requires that your ears are in working order. He listens. He doesn't hear. What I need from him is to hear. To hear how he makes me feel when he says those things. I wasn't there when those kids made fun of him and made him feel less than....but I know how he felt because that's how I feel when he says what he says.

I'm trying not to internalize it. I have done a lot of work to get to where I am, to accept that what I look like does not determine who I am or whether or not I can be happy. I am not confined by my body and what shape it takes. I just wish that he could accept that and accept me as I am....

Ah. There's so much I want to say about this and cannot. There are not enough words in my vocabulary or the English language for that matter to properly explain myself or the condition of my heart. I can, however, offer an example...if you haven't seen the movie Penelope...see it. It's a great picture of what happens when we and our family limit our potential and life in general to what we look like on the outside. It's excruciating and freeing all at the same time...