Hadassah

I am the kind of person who often finds themselves wishing that they could be the characters in fiction. I lose myself in who they are and wish fervently that I could trade places with them...they embody so much of what I want to be, who I want to be, and what I want to have.

I just finished, for the umpteenth time, reading the first two books of Francine Rivers' Mark of the Lion series. The series follows the story of a young Christian slave, Hadassah, and the Roman family she serves, the Valerians, in ancient Rome. In her own estimation, Hadassah is weak. She feels that she lacks the strength and courage to overtly share her faith with the lost family. She tells her mistress, Julia, stories from Scripture and sings to her psalms without ever really speaking the name of Christ. For this, she feels inadequate. Yet, what draws me is not what she perceives to be her weakness, but what is her strength. She loves Jesus and serves Him alone without apology. Every thing that she does is in response to who He is and who she is in Him. Her faith is alive and strong. And when she is tested, she does not deny Him, but rather proclaims His name and lordship despite the impending death she is about to face because of her faith. And when all is said and done the entire family is saved and redeemed. For this, I want to be her.

I want this type of faith. I want to serve out of my relationship with Christ...to love and live as she did because of Jesus. I know that this is fiction and, as such, faith like this is easier said than done, but I have to believe that it exists. I can't believe that the faith this character has isn't an offspring of the author's own faith journey or the revelation of men and women in the Bible. I crave the kind of faith and relationship that Hadassah had with Jesus with every fiber of my being. I found myself on my knees last night asking God for this kind of faith...to know Him and have relationship with Him as this non-existent person did.

That's the first reason I want to be Hadassah....the second is Marcus.

Oh. Marcus. WOW. Not only do I often wish to be fictional characters, but I often wish to be loved and desired as they are. I know it's fiction and real life is more complicated and muddied, but to be loved by someone like Marcus and as Marcus loves Hadassah...well, please Lord!

Marcus is a proud and lost man. He seeks pleasure from everywhere and everything. It is through his interactions with Hadassah and the Holy Spirit working in his life that he falls for her. He falls madly in love with her not because of what she has or what she looks like. Hadassah is described in the book as unremarkable...unlovely...and yet to him, she is the most beautiful creature. It is apparent that this beauty does not come from the external, but the internal. It is the beautiful and sweet Spirit of God that makes her beautiful...lovely...desirable. I want this! I want a man to see me, despite of my appearance, as beautiful because of who God is within me.

In the second book everyone thinks that Hadassah is dead because Julia had her fed to the lions. Instead, God has spared her life and is using her. Her encounter with the lions has left her crippled and disfigured. Because of this she does not reveal her true identity to Marcus. She remains veiled out of shame at her appearance and because she does not believe herself to be beautiful. And yet, when her face is unveiled he does not see her scars...he sees her beauty. "You are more beautiful to me than any woman in the world," he said huskily, "and more precious than all the gold of a thousand ships."

Is this possible? Is it possible to be found beautiful despite our physical flaws? I want to know that kind of love. I want to be beautiful to someone despite how I look...I want to be beheld like that. Does that exist in men today? Or ever? Or am I trying to live in a fantasy world....?