Reflections

Today was one of those days where good and bad collide. I can't say today was a good day and yet, I can't say it was  a bad day either.

It was a good day because I was blessed with the opportunity to bear witness to two of my student leaders humbling themselves before one another and ask for and grant forgiveness for something that no one remembers what really happened. It was a good day because one of my leader's last events was a success. It was a good day because I got to be with people I love.

It was a crappy day because it was my last official event and I admit that I am sad. It was a crappy day because I just got off the phone with one of my leaders who is hurting and I really can't do anything about it. She has been one of the most special individuals in my life this year and it breaks my heart that she can't see that for herself. That she questions who she is, whether people like her, whether she has done a good job, and the one that kills me the most....that she is feeling complacent in her relationship with Christ. I can tell her everyday until Christ returns how incredible she is and how much she is loved by me, her friends, our community and Jesus, but unless she believes it for herself it doesn't matter much.

I feel like I've done a really good job with my girls this year in terms of challenging them to be who they were created to be...to pursue who it is that God is calling them to be. This has looked like calling them out when things need to be brought into the light, being their cheerleader when they need one, and loving them in all things. royally in one area. I do not feel that I did the best when it came to encouraging them and challenging them in their walks with the Lord.  I feel like I have failed them in that because of my own complacent heart. It's hard to pour into them in that way when I feel as if I am bone dry myself. And for that I do have regrets.

No matter what else I have done or should have done with them this year what I would have liked for them to say about me at the end of the year was that I challenged them to pursue God with everything they are. I can't help but feel like I missed the big picture and a giant opportunity to use this time with the women I was entrusted with for more....

I don't know. It's very possible that I am just feeling emotional and weepy because I want to be able to fix things for people and because I have so much going on in my own life. Or maybe this is God speaking to me and for once I just need to shut up and listen.