We started out strong. We would send emails, chat on instant messenger, and finally worked our way up to the phone and eventually Skype. When we would talk, we would talk for hours. No joke. On the phone, we could talk for 2-3 hours and it would pass as mere minutes. When we I'M-ed we could talk for up to 4 hours. And then, slowly, but surely that time began to fade to an hour, half an hour, ten minutes. I was expecting that. There was no way we could maintain 2-3 hour conversations nearly everyday. What I wasn't expecting, though, was to not receive anymore emails, and no contact for nearly two weeks. And I knew in my heart of hearts that it was time to let go of whatever it was that had been because it was fairly apparent that we weren't going anywhere. As my sister put it, I was settling for crumbs when I deserved the whole cookie.
So, last night I did what had to be done. I sent him an email telling him that while I enjoyed getting to know him, I felt like whatever had been between us had run its course and I didn't see us going anywhere. I knew this was the best thing for me, and ultimately for him. And yet today, well, I feel so sad. And I don't understand why. I want to cry. And I don't understand why. It's not as if he was the love of my life and my heart is broken because he isn't and it isn't. Still, I am left....feeling. And I don't like it because I don't know how to handle it, how to deal with it, or even how to express it.
I am told that what I am feeling is normal. That what is happening is to be expected. But that doesn't make it any more comfortable for me. And I still don't know what to do with all of this...feeling.
I received a text from him last night at 1 a.m. my time, 4 p.m. his time. I don't know if he texted just to text me (he has often just texted me at that hour because that's what is seemingly convenient for him) or if it's because he wanted to discuss my email. I don't know because I was asleep and didn't get the text until I awoke this morning. I suppose that part of me is hoping that it was in response to my email because I do want to talk about it. I didn't want to have to email him, but when I don't hear from him for a week...well, I'm left with no choice. I guess what I'm hoping for, and yet, not expecting in the least, is closure.
It's very possible that I'll never get the closure that I want and I'll just have to be ok with that. Until then, though, I am praying that the Lord would strengthen me and remind me of why I did what I did...because I am worth more than crumbs and I want more than crumbs. I don't want to settle for something just because it happens to be there and available. I am worth more than that and I know that someday I will get that...and if from no one else, then I know that Jesus has given me the very best in Himself and I don't need anything more than that....
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