Growing pains

When I left Arizona I left behind an incredible support system of friends and family. I left behind a group of people who love me and support me. A group of people who always offered me wisdom, advice, and listening ears. What I didn't realize, though, is that it's quite possible that I turned these people into idols in my life. They took God's place in my life as my all in all, my comfort, my joy, my peace, and my sounding board. Because of who He is, God will not allow anyone or anything to usurp His rightful place as Lord of our lives and often times will allow trials and tribulations to bring us back to Him...to loosen the grip of idolatry in our lives. Drastic as it may seem and as painful as it may be, He will allow what is necessary to draw us back to Him.

This is where I find myself. The last 6 weeks have been immensely hard and incredibly painful. They have been weeks that I can only describe as a barren wasteland. How can this be when I am living in Italy? Well, let me tell you how this can be...it can be this way when you are stripped of all that if familiar, comfortable. It can be this way when that support system is no longer right there or easily accessible. It can be this way when you're in a position that makes you feel like you're constantly treading water and unable to catch your breath. It can be this way when you walked away from a daily dependence on God only to find yourself utterly alone and not knowing where to turn or what to do. This is where I am.

I have cried out to the Lord, especially this week, and have sought His face. I still don't understand fully why I have had to go thru all that I have had to endure, but I do believe it is because I put Him 2nd...or further down...in my life. I made those around me my god. And our God is a jealous God. So now I find myself bearing the consequences of my sin. And that place is not pleasant. It has left me broken and bleeding. My heart feels as if it has been ripped apart and left trampled upon.

I know that I am where I am because of choices that I made and sin that I committed. Still, I see the Lord working in the midst of this as my heart begins to turn back towards Him. His loving hands are molding my heart into a heart solely after His. I know that this is just the beginning and it is conceivable that there will continue to be hard days and pain, but I also know that He is faithful and that He will never leave me nor forsake me.

So, if you find yourself in a place such as this I suggest that you fall before the Lord and ask Him for eyes to see where you have turned your heart from Him and let Him restore you. It won't be easy and it won't be pain-free, but it will be worth it. Also, check out JJ Heller's new album, Painted Red, because so much of what she sings about speaks to this place I am in and it has been such a blessing, especially the song Your Hands.