Separation anxiety

Do you ever just ask the Lord why it is that you have to learn so many different lessons at one time? That you need a break? And His answer is: I will do what I need to do to form you more into who I've created you to be. I will not give you more than you can handle. Ouch. Right between the eyes.

I feel like I constantly live in a classroom and the Lord is my instructor. He is constantly editing my work and suggesting how I should rephrase, reframe how I see things, how I live, who I am. Ultimately, I know this is for my good and His glory, but more often than not this is a painful process...as I have said over and over again in this blog. Here we are again!

Once again, I find that I am struggling with where God has me, where He's called me because I feel like a constant failure at what I am doing. I feel like I am constantly treading water. And then He corrects me and reminds me that I am not working for man, for myself, but Him. And I cannot gauge how I am doing or how I am performing by their and my imperfect ruler. Rather, I am to look to my Heavenly Father for approval and for how I feel about how I am doing, who I am. I cannot expect the opinions of others about me to validate me as a person or to negate who I am. I cannot allow the changing opinions of people here to define and determine how I carry myself, how I see myself, how I love or hate myself, how I succeed or how I fail. The only opinion that matters, that will ever matter, is Jesus'. Period. End of story.

Easier said than done. And I struggle, as a people pleaser, to accept and live out this truth. I so desperately want to find approval in what others around me think of me or how I am performing at my job and that's killing me. I cannot and should not derive my worth from their fallible opinions. Just Jesus. He's the only benchmark.

I find myself beseeching the Lord for His guidance and asking Him to remove that part of me that seeks the approval of man. He is using whatever means necessary to root this out in me...and it hurts at times, but I find comfort in His word, in His people, and in His truth sung thru the lyrics in JJ Heller's new CD, Painted Red. Oh how He has ministered to my heart thru her music. Check it out if you haven't and remember...the opinion of man will always fail you...God never will.