My realization has forced me to look back over these last two years and honestly evaluate where I am at. Have I changed? Am I moving forward? What's not going well? What is? When was my last behavior? Honestly, the answers that I came up with have actually shocked me.
Yes, I have changed. While my physical body is beginning to catch up with where my brain is, I have changed remarkably from the inside out. I am no longer who I was when I checked myself in 2 years ago. I don't have the same relationship with my parents, my friends, the Lord, with food, or with myself. They are all better for having taken the road that I traveled. That's not to say that it happened over night...Lord knows that it was through constant struggle, prayer, and His strength pulling me through. And, by the grace of God it has all gotten better.
My parents and I have started a real relationship. I actually tell them the truth about how I am feeling. Gasp! The truth! Gasp! A feeling! I actually feel and tell the truth about these feelings...who would have thunk it?
My friends have supported me tremendously and God has used me in their lives as they've dealt with their own junk. Wow...we don't travel this road alone?
I have begun to trust God with what He says about me and His love for me. I still don't understand and I often struggle with truly knowing and believing it to the core of my existence, but the point is that I am aware of it now...that I am dealing with Him about it and not pretending that I am the good little Christian girl everyone thought I was. I am real.
Food. This has been by far the biggest change. I am no longer plagued by the guilt that came with my eating disorder. I can look at food just as it is....as food...sustenence...fuel...a gift of God. It no longer holds the power it once did. It's not good. It's not bad. It's just food. I can enjoy a candy bar as much as I enjoy a great apple. There's nothing better about the apple...it's all fuel. I can have food left on my plate and be ok with it. I can eat lunch and a snack even knowing that I am going to have something like pizza for dinner. It's not the same for me anymore. Food is no longer personified. It's just nutrients wrapped up in different packaging.
It's been 8-9 months since my last behavior and that is a miracle. Yes, there are days when the battle is harder than others. When a co-worker comments about so much sugar in the office...when their own stuff comes up and without thinking about it they make comments that pierce my heart and trigger that part within me that is still there...just more neutralized. Yes, I struggle. But, by the grace of God, I can leave it where it is and just be free to be me. To not be consumed with thoughts of food, how I'm going to hide it, binge, get rid of it. No, that ghost has left. What remains is hope. And after all...isn't that what matters most?
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