Heartache

So, I am in Italy right now. Yep, that´s right...I said Italy. I have been here since Monday for work. It´s been great. So, why then am I blogging_ you ask?

Well, see it all started when one of my students insisted that I read her favorite book (and latest obsession I might add) Twilight. I admit that I made fun of her for her love of it, but bought it anyways intending to read it on the plane and throughout my time in Rome. Well, I got sucked in and read the entire thing in 4-5 hours. I am hooked. The characters and the story that takes place between Edward and Bella has sucked me in. So much so that while I was in Rome the other day I saw an English bookstore and bought the rest of the series! I spent more than I would have, of course, than if I would have just waited the 10 days to get home...but no. When I want something, I want it now. I have completed 3 of the 4 enormous books...and am half way through the 4th. It was not a good idea....not at all.

My heart is being constantly ripped open and ripped apart. The story brings so much up in my own life and my own desire for a man to love me as Edward does Bella that it crushes my heart and I lose my breath. I just want that....and I want it now. I am tired of waiting and feeling alone and like a freak. What the hell is wrong with me?

Then, I was on myspace looking someone up from another program when I got the urge to look an old friend up. I have looked him up on myspace many times and he´s never been there. He and I ¨dated¨ from the 2nd to the 5th grade...then reconnected in college. He has always been in the back of my mind as the...what if guy. I have never stopped thinking of him. So, I looked him up fully not expecting to find him...and what do you know. There he was. In his tux. Next to his bride. Even as I write tears are forming in my eyes and my heart feels like a boulder in my chest. It´s stupid of me to feel this way about someone that I haven´t actually seen in almost 20 years...but that´s not the point. He was the what if guy....maybe the guy God had for me and now that´s gone. I am so tired of everyone telling me that God has a plan and that He has the perfect person for me. Well, if He does why is it taking so long? Why can´t He just clue me in so that I don´t have to go through everyday feeling like there´s this huge gaping hole in the middle of my being...like I don´t relate to anyone else around me....my own family...my friends. No one.

I don´t understand.