Everything's (still) fine

I started this blog oh so many years ago as a space to process what was going on in my life, work on my writing, and just share the things that God has been doing in and through me. I haven't written in the last couple of years because, well, there's been a lot going on. Since starting this blog, I've moved to and from Italy, started a business, welcomed two nieces and three nephews, said goodbye to my grandpa, met, dated, broken up with not-so-great guys, started a real relationship with a great-guy, diagnosed with cancer, kicked cancer's butt, married the great guy, became a stepmom, went through too much harder than hard stuff with the stepson, saw my business take off, bought a house, went through a global pandemic, became a 'fur mom' to two energy-full Labradors, experience the slow death of my business, and so much more in between. I've been blessed with grand adventures and struggled to bring myself back to living life in the States, despite being home for nearly 7 years. I've seen my relationship with Jesus wane (because of me, not Him) and now I am holding firm to the hope and Truth that He is with me and has never left my side despite myself and what I choose to do or not do.

So, why have I returned to this space? My life, once more, feels like it's in the midst of or about to be in the midst of change. I can sense the wind is changing. The Lord is preparing me for something. Every time, and I do mean every single time, the Lord has moved in a significant way in my life He's been gracious to give me an inkling that something is on the horizon. I hate change. I really do. As I've said before, once change happens and I accept it, I am ok, but that time and space just as the change happens can really throw me and I freeze like a deer in headlights. And so it's in the times leading up to that my gracious Heavenly Father who knows me better than I know myself begins to prepare me for the change so that it's not as big of a shock as it could have been. He did this for me when I lost my job at Grand Canyon U in 2004, before Geneva College announced it was closing its Rome campus, when my business began to see a large decline, and even when my mom was sick. He's good like that. 

I don't know what's coming. I can't decide if I'm excited about it or afraid of it. I can't decide if this is what I need to shake myself out of the fog that I feel like I've been in for the last several years or if it's going to cause me to retreat even farther into myself. I don't know. I just know that I'm not alone. I walk through this, whatever this is, with my husband, two pups who think I'm the bee's knees, and the Creator of the Universe by my side.

Everything's fine.

Everything is not fine...but it will be.

The last week has been challenging to say the least. A situation has arisen at work that has left me a little blindsided and reeling just a bit. I've been thrown for a moment and I'm trying to regain my balance. This situation arose seemingly out of nowhere following another situation that I thought had been resolved, or at least as resolved as it could be. Apparently, I was wrong.

And so I find myself talking to Jesus about what's going on. Are my eyes blinded to what is true? Did I fill in the blank? Was I fill in the blank? Am I not really seeing fill in the blank? I have seriously, thoughtfully, and prayerfully searched my heart, my memory, and the Lord in this. And I feel fairly confident in saying that I can stand before Jesus with a clear conscience on this one. I don't nor do I believe that I acted/did/was or whatever the case may be. What I do know is I attempted to set things right, I tried to find resolution and restoration, and acted in a way that was right and true. So, I'm trusting what the Lord is doing in my life right now. He's working out my pride because this has caused me to humble myself before Him and those around me. He's working out my need to not share my feelings with others because I can't hold this in. He's teaching me about humility and forgiveness for those who have hurt me. He's challenging my thinking about how I see my job and my interaction with those around me. He's drawing me closer to Himself. And above all, He's molding my heart to more closely resemble that of Christ's.

These are not pleasant or comfortable lessons. I wish that I didn't have to learn these things in this way, in this manner. But this is how it's going down. This is how He's getting my attention. And so this is how I will be refined. Refining is not for the faint of heart---it requires continual pressure. So no matter what may come. No matter what direction this situation will take, I will hold firm to my Savior and trust that in the middle of this refining He is with me, He is holding me, and His peace will reign when it seems that there should be none. I know that I will come out on the other side of this better for having gone through it and I look forward to the day when I can say: Oh, yes. Now I see why I went through that and how the Lord used that in my life.

But until that day comes, I will say this:

1. 
   
2. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
   When sorrows like sea billows roll;
   Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
   It is well, it is well, with my soul.
   • It is well, with my soul,
     It is well, it is well, with my soul.
3. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
   Let this blest assurance control,
   That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
   And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
4. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
   My sin, not in part but the whole,
   Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
   Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
5. For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
   If Jordan above me shall roll,
   No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
   Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
6. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
   The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
   Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
   Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
7. And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
   The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
   The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
   Even so, it is well with my soul.

Feeling...and not enjoying it

As I said in my last blog post, I've been trying out the whole online dating thing again. And this time, I've been talking, with some regularity, to a guy since the end of January.  That's 2 and a half months of communication. In other words, my longest "relationship".

We started out strong. We would send emails, chat on instant messenger, and finally worked our way up to the phone and eventually Skype. When we would talk, we would talk for hours. No joke. On the phone, we could talk for 2-3 hours and it would pass as mere minutes. When we I'M-ed we could talk for up to 4 hours. And then, slowly, but surely that time began to fade to an hour, half an hour, ten minutes. I was expecting that. There was no way we could maintain 2-3 hour conversations nearly everyday. What I wasn't expecting, though, was to not receive anymore emails, and no contact for nearly two weeks. And I knew in my heart of hearts that it was time to let go of whatever it was that had been because it was fairly apparent that we weren't going anywhere. As my sister put it, I was settling for crumbs when I deserved the whole cookie.

So, last night I did what had to be done. I sent him an email telling him that while I enjoyed getting to know him, I felt like whatever had been between us had run its course and I didn't see us going anywhere. I knew this was the best thing for me, and ultimately for him. And yet today, well, I feel so sad. And I don't understand why. I want to cry. And I don't understand why. It's not as if he was the love of my life and my heart is broken because he isn't and it isn't. Still, I am left....feeling. And I don't like it because I don't know how to handle it, how to deal with it, or even how to express it.

I am told that what I am feeling is normal. That what is happening is to be expected. But that doesn't make it any more comfortable for me. And I still don't know what to do with all of this...feeling.

I received a text from him last night at 1 a.m. my time, 4 p.m. his time. I don't know if he texted just to text me (he has often just texted me at that hour because that's what is seemingly convenient for him) or if it's because he wanted to discuss my email. I don't know because I was asleep and didn't get the text until I awoke this morning. I suppose that part of me is hoping that it was in response to my email because I do want to talk about it. I didn't want to have to email him, but when I don't hear from him for a week...well, I'm left with no choice. I guess what I'm hoping for, and yet, not expecting in the least, is closure.

It's very possible that I'll never get the closure that I want and I'll just have to be ok with that. Until then, though, I am praying that the Lord would strengthen me and remind me of why I did what I did...because I am worth more than crumbs and I want more than crumbs. I don't want to settle for something just because it happens to be there and available. I am worth more than that and I know that someday I will get that...and if from no one else, then I know that Jesus has given me the very best in Himself and I don't need anything more than that....

Does anyone have conversations anymore?

I know it's been a while...but so much has been going on in life and I've been out living it, but something has been going through my head and I can't not say something.

I decided to give the whole online dating thing a try again. This time, though, I've joined a site specifically for Christians. You'd think that I'd meet some really great God-fearing, Jesus-following men. Nope. That's not to say that I haven't met some nice guys and men who do love Jesus (because I have), but for the most part---they've been weird. I could seriously write a book about my experiences thus far. But, that's not what's got me frustrated. No, what has me frustrated is the lack of conversational skills these and other men who aren't so weird have...or should I say don't have.

It's simple. One of us asks a question, the person responds, and asks a question themselves. Is that so hard to do? Apparently. I don't understand. Do you not want to get to know the other person? How can you do that if you don't ask any stinking questions? For example, I was chatting through messenger with this one guy and it seemed to be going well. We had a nice dialogue. Then, he had to leave so we began to email one another. Suddenly, the questions all became one-sided....I was asking and getting only 2-3 sentences back without any kind of inquiry. Now, is it that he's no longer interested and isn't comfortable or confident enough to just be honest about that? Cause if that's the case---fine! I'd rather know; it's not going to devastate me or even really cause a ripple in my life at this point. If he is interested, what's his deal? It's not as if I want to talk about myself all the time or brag about who I am and what I've done...I just want someone to show some interest, some curiosity, something. UGH. If there happen to be any men out there who are reading this let me offer some friendly advice: relationship requires some give and take. As women, we want you to know who we are...and quite frankly, the way to find out who we are is to pay attention and ask questions. Just do it!

Readying myself

I have been convicted a lot over the last several months that I am not living as I should, that I am not the person that God most wants me to be. He and I have been having many conversations about the sin in my life---the selfishness, the greediness, the overall junk that's keeping me from living out my full potential in Christ.

I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to live in the freedom, in the fullness of who God has created me to be. I want to taste and see that He is good, and that my life in Him is full. And so I've made some decisions. I've made some resolutions. I've repented and I am turning my heart more fully back to Him. I don't know exactly what this will look like in a day-to-day basis, but I know in my heart that this is what He wants for me, from me. I, too, am praying for an accountability partner---someone who can call me on my junk, and someone that I can go to when I feel like it's all becoming more than Jesus.

As you all know by now, I want to be married. I want to be in relationship with a man. But, I am realizing that as much as I want that, I am not ready. I am not a woman who would bring her heart fully alive into a marriage. I would bring baggage, fear, worry, and a whole lot of stuff that I think would make marriage even more challenging. And, so I also want to begin preparing my heart for the man that I am to be with. This goes back to what I've said above---to be the person God made me to be, to live a life full of Him. Now, I know that there is a very real possibility that I may not get married, that I may not realize this heart desire, but ultimately if I am preparing myself for marriage...aren't I pursuing the heart of Christ and isn't that what I should be doing anyhow? It's a win, win situation!

So, I am putting this out there. I want to fall deeper in love with my Savior. To do that, I need to relinquish my "control", my desires, my ways and leave them at His feet, at the Cross.

Jesus, I am sorry for the way that I have essentially been living for me. I am sorry that I have put myself ahead of You. Please forgive my selfishness and pride. Please create in me a heart that longs, that thirsts, and that follows hard after You. I want to know You more. I want to spend intimate time with You. I want to hear from You more. I want You. So, Lord, I pray that You would help me to become less so that You become More. In Jesus' name.

Makes no sense

I found out today through FB that a girl I knew briefly in treatment died yesterday after losing her battle with an eating disorder. I am feeling a myriad of emotions from shock, sadness, anger, and deep regret. I know that she fought as best she could, but in the end it wasn't enough and I am so angry on her behalf. She was so young and had so much promise. And this is just an injustice of epic proportions. I feel so sick for her family right now.

I pray that through this time of grief and mourning that our Heavenly Father would be their resting place. I pray that they would know His grace, mercy, and peace. I pray that while this makes no sense, they would be able to see God's goodness and that they would be able to share that with others.

I know that this young lady was a follower of Christ and so I know where she is spending eternity. I pray that she is now at peace, that she is enveloped in the arms of Jesus even now.

Changes and comments

Life is just a series of changes. Isn't it? You find yourself getting comfortable or settled with one thing, one way and then it suddenly changes and that thing is gone.

I was home for four months this summer and I was so surprised by how much of my hometown was different. I found myself constantly being surprised by the businesses or restaurants that were no longer open. It seemed that at least once a week I received news that something I had known or patronized for many years had suddenly shut its doors. And it was sad. It was sad to see so many things and places that I knew go by the wayside. It was disconcerting.

I am by nature an adaptive person. And while I am able to go with the flow, I find myself floundering when so much changes so quickly and so permanently. This summer I gained a niece and a brother-in-law. Don't misunderstand, these are additions that I welcome and am excited about, but they still present something of a shift in what I know and what I am rooted in. These changes were easy to accept. There have been other changes in my personal life that have been developing over the last couple of years that have been challenging. I know that there is purpose in what has been happening, but I don't know what it is. Additionally, what hasn't necessarily been easy have been the changes in my professional life as I said goodbye to a wonderful colleague and dear friend as she remained in the US rather than returning to Rome.

I knew that this change would be significant and would bring an adjustment period, but I don't think I was fully prepared for all of the ways my life would change or be affected. There are so many subtle differences this year that I find myself pulling back because the life that I knew isn't there any more....it has a foreign feel to it and leaves me feeling a shadow of what I felt like when I first arrived in Rome. And I confess that I don't quite know how to deal with it. I confess that my selfishness and stubbornness have been present in my own head and heart. I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to resist the new way things are....but I am at a loss as to how to forge ahead and how to embrace the new life that is here for me. It's a challenge for me to feel like an outsider in a place that I've considered home for the last 2 years.

In addition to all of that, there was a personnel change within the community that I live in that took me aback when I arrived back in Rome in the middle of August. A woman who I considered a friend and something of an ally would no longer be working with me directly. That was a hard blow to absorb. I looked forward to returning and seeing her smiling face everyday, conversing with her, and enjoying a sense of community with her. I know that I am now presented with an opportunity to get to know someone else, but it just seems to be a bit much when lumped with everything else.

I suppose that I felt the full weight of the difference in my life here when I had a rather unpleasant encounter with a woman who works in the same physical space that I do. I don't consider this woman a friend or even a close acquaintance of mine. Rather, she is someone who works here and someone that I have to have contact with. While I've known her for two years, she's never been a particularly nice person to myself, my students, and our guests. She's prickly. Things hit a new low this past weekend when I delivered some chocolate chip cookies to the nuns as a thank you for their help when students arrived. Rather than just accepting them and letting me leave this woman felt like it was her right, her duty to comment on my weight. There I stood in utter shock as she proceeded to tell me bluntly that I weigh too much and that I need to lose weight so that I can be pretty. She literally pointed to places on my body where she thought I needed to lose weight. The humiliation and shame that I felt washed over me so violently that I was left unable to process a clear and conscious thought in defense of myself. So, instead of saying anything to the effect that it's none of her business...I just said goodbye and returned to our side of the property as hot tears fell from my eyes. All I wanted was to retreat to my room for a good cry and then to go to my dear friend for support and comfort, but she wasn't here to offer that. And that's when the feeling of utter aloneness struck and knocked the wind out of me. I am no longer known here. I am no longer part of a dynamic duo. And I don't quite know how to reconcile that.

I don't know what God is doing in my life right now. I don't know why He's allowed SO much change all at once. I am trying to trust that what's happening is for my own good, but I fear and confess that it's easier to throw a pity party for myself in my head and heart. I can't live like this for the next three months. I need and want to get to a place of acceptance and life rather than a place of resistance and existing. I suppose this is where dying to self comes in. I suppose this is where I submit my will, my desires, and the way I think my life SHOULD be to Jesus to do with what He will with a life that's not really my own to begin with.