2 years.5 days.

I realized today that it's been 2 years and 5 days since I went into treatment for my eating disorder. Where did that time go?

My realization has forced me to look back over these last two years and honestly evaluate where I am at. Have I changed? Am I moving forward? What's not going well? What is? When was my last behavior? Honestly, the answers that I came up with have actually shocked me.

Yes, I have changed. While my physical body is beginning to catch up with where my brain is, I have changed remarkably from the inside out. I am no longer who I was when I checked myself in 2 years ago. I don't have the same relationship with my parents, my friends, the Lord, with food, or with myself. They are all better for having taken the road that I traveled. That's not to say that it happened over night...Lord knows that it was through constant struggle, prayer, and His strength pulling me through. And, by the grace of God it has all gotten better.

My parents and I have started a real relationship. I actually tell them the truth about how I am feeling. Gasp! The truth! Gasp! A feeling! I actually feel and tell the truth about these feelings...who would have thunk it?

My friends have supported me tremendously and God has used me in their lives as they've dealt with their own junk. Wow...we don't travel this road alone?

I have begun to trust God with what He says about me and His love for me. I still don't understand and I often struggle with truly knowing and believing it to the core of my existence, but the point is that I am aware of it now...that I am dealing with Him about it and not pretending that I am the good little Christian girl everyone thought I was. I am real.

Food. This has been by far the biggest change. I am no longer plagued by the guilt that came with my eating disorder. I can look at food just as it is....as food...sustenence...fuel...a gift of God. It no longer holds the power it once did. It's not good. It's not bad. It's just food. I can enjoy a candy bar as much as I enjoy a great apple. There's nothing better about the apple...it's all fuel. I can have food left on my plate and be ok with it. I can eat lunch and a snack even knowing that I am going to have something like pizza for dinner. It's not the same for me anymore. Food is no longer personified. It's just nutrients wrapped up in different packaging.

It's been 8-9 months since my last behavior and that is a miracle. Yes, there are days when the battle is harder than others. When a co-worker comments about so much sugar in the office...when their own stuff comes up and without thinking about it they make comments that pierce my heart and trigger that part within me that is still there...just more neutralized. Yes, I struggle. But, by the grace of God, I can leave it where it is and just be free to be me. To not be consumed with thoughts of food, how I'm going to hide it, binge, get rid of it. No, that ghost has left. What remains is hope. And after all...isn't that what matters most?

My music...explained.

Ok, so I've been playing with my playlist and I need to explain.

For the past two weeks all I've been 'able' to listen to is Matt Wertz. He's amazing. I can't even begin to describe how his music speaks to me and stirs my heart...so instead...I've put my top 3 on my playlist.

Then, there's Addison Road. Their music has convicted me in the midst of all that I've been struggling with in the past 3 weeks. I am reminded through their words that it doesn't matter what I look like, what I wish I looked like, what I could look like...all that matters is that I am loved more deeply than I could ever imagine by Jesus.

And finally, Hands to Heaven by Breathe. This is a song that I used to listen to (on tape I must add) over and over and over again after we moved to AZ in 1989. I don't know why...in that moment it spoke to me. I was thinking about it earlier and decided to look for it and there it was.

So, there you have it...these are the songs I have playing in the soundtrack of my life right now. Enjoy!

Not sure...

So, I have no clue what I should be writing about right now. I just feel the urge to write...and when that happens. Well, it's best if I just go with it. ;)

I have been wanting to write a novel for the longest time. It's just that there's nothing "there" right now. I can't seem to formulate any ideas...any creativity. I just wish that I could break through this seeming fog and write. It's as if there's this heavy curtain over the stage of my mind and I know that if I was just able to pull it back and amazing story would unfold before my eyes and I would be compelled to write. Uhhhhhhhh.....I hate writer's block!

I keep thinking to myself that once I am in Italy the stories will begin to pour from my brain. That the rich, luxorious history will only help me to create unforgettable characters. It's like they dance around the outskirts of my brain...flitting in for amoment and then back out...only to drive me mad. Hmmmm...suppose I can wait a little while longer. I know that there's a story inside me waiting to get out...guess it'll just be better than what it would have been now if I could write it. :)

So little time...

So, returning to work hasn’t/wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. Thank God! I was dreading the after-vacation-depression that usually sets in when I return to the office after any sort of absence. This time, strangely enough, nothing! Perhaps it’s because I know that the end is near….in fact…it’s only 6 months away! WOW. 6 months and I get to leave a place I’ve been trying to get away from for 6 years.

This leaves me with a lot of excitement and surprisingly, some apprehension. As I think of the end drawing closer and my leaving imminent, I am struck by feelings of homesickness. I know that once I am gone I will be homesick for the people here that I have grown to love.

I will miss the one person that I have journeyed the longest with here (well, one of them at least). I know that even if I didn’t leave this year he would be. So, that goodbye was inevitable. Still, I have thoroughly enjoyed working with him and count him among some of my closest friends and confidants. He knows me better than many of my other friends do. I will miss those that I watched transition from student leader to colleague. Watching them grow in the last year has been so exciting and rewarding. I am anxious to see how God continues to use them. I will deeply miss my students. They are the reason, outside of God’s will for me to be here of course, that I get up in the morning and come to this place. The imprint they have left on my life is indelible. There is one student in particular that I hate to leave. There is something intrinsic within her that actually reminds me of myself. We really are nothing alike and yet there is this one thing that I cannot put my finger on that reminds me of me. I try not to have favorites…it’s like a parent choosing one child over another...but without a doubt, she is my favorite. To think of my not being here for her last two years hurts my heart.

And yet, I am anxious to meet the person that I am going to be when all is said and done. I know that I will not be the same person that I am today in one, two, and three years. I have no doubt that the Lord is going to use this experience to radically alter who I am in Him, as a friend, sister, daughter, employee, and person. It reminds me of when I went skydiving.

I sat on the edge of the plane terrified to jump because of the unknown and yet knowing that once I did it would be exhilarating. I would be different for having jumped.

Who will I be? What will I look like? Will I recognize myself? Will I be recognizable to those I leave behind at home? In many ways…I hope not.

His Answer

So, I went to bed last night with my iPod on. I was listening to Adam Watts and this is what I heard:

I could fall apart
Before I start
In the grip of doubt
I need You, Lord
Will You carry me
Take hold of me
When I can't see
An open door
In the dark Your light illuminates love
And Your grace is right beside me

I will not fear
'cause I know You're here
And I pray You'll cover me with Your love
And show me You're enough
I will not fear
'cause I feel You here
Lord, will You come
and turn what was fear into love

Will You lead my life and dry my eyes
When the pain inside's a lonely war
Can my worry be a memory
That fades away more and more
In the dark
Your light illuminates love
And Your grace is right beside me

I will not fear
'cause I know You're here
And I pray You'll cover me with Your love
And show me You're enough
I will not fear
'cause I feel You here
Lord, will You come and turn what was fear into love

In the dark Your light illuminates love
And Your grace is right beside me
I will not fear
'cause I know You're here
And I pray You'll cover me with Your love
And show me You're enough
I will not fear
'cause I feel You here
Lord, will You come and turn what was fear into love
Into love...Into love...Into love...Into love...

It hit my heart like a bolt of lightening and I began to feel a spark of something in the midst of nothing. To say that I am feeling better about where I find myself isn´t true...but I am on the mend. I know in my head that I am where He wants me...that He is in control...but it´s hard to listen and recognize reality when my heart feels like it´s being ripped apart.

Heartache

So, I am in Italy right now. Yep, that´s right...I said Italy. I have been here since Monday for work. It´s been great. So, why then am I blogging_ you ask?

Well, see it all started when one of my students insisted that I read her favorite book (and latest obsession I might add) Twilight. I admit that I made fun of her for her love of it, but bought it anyways intending to read it on the plane and throughout my time in Rome. Well, I got sucked in and read the entire thing in 4-5 hours. I am hooked. The characters and the story that takes place between Edward and Bella has sucked me in. So much so that while I was in Rome the other day I saw an English bookstore and bought the rest of the series! I spent more than I would have, of course, than if I would have just waited the 10 days to get home...but no. When I want something, I want it now. I have completed 3 of the 4 enormous books...and am half way through the 4th. It was not a good idea....not at all.

My heart is being constantly ripped open and ripped apart. The story brings so much up in my own life and my own desire for a man to love me as Edward does Bella that it crushes my heart and I lose my breath. I just want that....and I want it now. I am tired of waiting and feeling alone and like a freak. What the hell is wrong with me?

Then, I was on myspace looking someone up from another program when I got the urge to look an old friend up. I have looked him up on myspace many times and he´s never been there. He and I ¨dated¨ from the 2nd to the 5th grade...then reconnected in college. He has always been in the back of my mind as the...what if guy. I have never stopped thinking of him. So, I looked him up fully not expecting to find him...and what do you know. There he was. In his tux. Next to his bride. Even as I write tears are forming in my eyes and my heart feels like a boulder in my chest. It´s stupid of me to feel this way about someone that I haven´t actually seen in almost 20 years...but that´s not the point. He was the what if guy....maybe the guy God had for me and now that´s gone. I am so tired of everyone telling me that God has a plan and that He has the perfect person for me. Well, if He does why is it taking so long? Why can´t He just clue me in so that I don´t have to go through everyday feeling like there´s this huge gaping hole in the middle of my being...like I don´t relate to anyone else around me....my own family...my friends. No one.

I don´t understand.