Readying myself

I have been convicted a lot over the last several months that I am not living as I should, that I am not the person that God most wants me to be. He and I have been having many conversations about the sin in my life---the selfishness, the greediness, the overall junk that's keeping me from living out my full potential in Christ.

I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to live in the freedom, in the fullness of who God has created me to be. I want to taste and see that He is good, and that my life in Him is full. And so I've made some decisions. I've made some resolutions. I've repented and I am turning my heart more fully back to Him. I don't know exactly what this will look like in a day-to-day basis, but I know in my heart that this is what He wants for me, from me. I, too, am praying for an accountability partner---someone who can call me on my junk, and someone that I can go to when I feel like it's all becoming more than Jesus.

As you all know by now, I want to be married. I want to be in relationship with a man. But, I am realizing that as much as I want that, I am not ready. I am not a woman who would bring her heart fully alive into a marriage. I would bring baggage, fear, worry, and a whole lot of stuff that I think would make marriage even more challenging. And, so I also want to begin preparing my heart for the man that I am to be with. This goes back to what I've said above---to be the person God made me to be, to live a life full of Him. Now, I know that there is a very real possibility that I may not get married, that I may not realize this heart desire, but ultimately if I am preparing myself for marriage...aren't I pursuing the heart of Christ and isn't that what I should be doing anyhow? It's a win, win situation!

So, I am putting this out there. I want to fall deeper in love with my Savior. To do that, I need to relinquish my "control", my desires, my ways and leave them at His feet, at the Cross.

Jesus, I am sorry for the way that I have essentially been living for me. I am sorry that I have put myself ahead of You. Please forgive my selfishness and pride. Please create in me a heart that longs, that thirsts, and that follows hard after You. I want to know You more. I want to spend intimate time with You. I want to hear from You more. I want You. So, Lord, I pray that You would help me to become less so that You become More. In Jesus' name.