Praise be to God!

"For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." Psalm 100:5


I cling to this verse tonight and recite it in my heart and my head with great joy and in victory. I just hung up the phone with my mom and Praise Jesus!!!!! She has been battling depression and sever anxiety since May and while this may not seem like a long time to many, it has been like an eternity for her and for those of us who love her and have missed her. She reached a turning point today when something within her broke and she was able to experience life again, to connect with herself, and with the Lord. I don't know what happened exactly, but what I do know is that she has tasted the freedom that the Lord offers and she sounded like herself---I haven't really heard from my mom in 9 months and it was a miracle. 


I am heading home next Friday for a month and while I was looking forward to going home, I was also somewhat reluctant because I didn't think I could handle what I dealt with while I was home last summer. Now, though, I have such hope. She sounded so excited to see me--real, genuine excitement.

Our God is good. He alone is able to deliver us from the pit and the dark places. I praise His holy name because He has delivered my mom back to us.

I am not naive enough to think that the road will be easy. I know that there are still challenges before us, before my mom, but my hope has been strengthened today. He is mighty, able, gracious, and loving. Praise be to the one true God for His love and faithfulness endures forever!!!

4 years

Well, here we are again at another anniversary of the beginning of my journey towards freedom from my eating disorder. Four years ago this week I checked myself into Remuda Ranch for the most incredible and life-changing 60 days. Again, I just want to take a moment to thank Jesus for the victory that He has given me and how He has sustained me these last 4 years. They haven't always been easy and there have been times where it would have been easier to succumb, but I held onto Him and He delivered me. I give glory and honor to the Lord!

I, too, thank my parents for the financial sacrifice they made so that I could get the help I needed. I am so blessed by the parents that I have and how God has used them in my life. Thanks Mom and Dad....you're the best!! Thanks, too, to my sisters for their unending support, prayers, encouragement, and love. You're my best friends!!

My friends were also amazing. They (particularly Lees and crew) sent me cards, called, and drove down to Chandler to see me. I am blessed to have them in my life.

To my sisters from treatment: I am praying for you and hope that you continue to fight the good fight. Victory is possible and recovery can be a reality.

To those who struggle: the road to recovery is long and hard, but it is worth it and it can be navigated. Know that I pray for all who struggle with ED and that there is help out there. Remuda Ranch is an amazing facility that changed my life.

Four years...wow.  I am not the same person I was and I expect that I'll be a different person on my 5th anniversary. I am excited to see what the Lord has for me in the coming year...

Everything's different

I was chatting with a friend of mine on the phone the other night and she told me that she was looking at some pictures that I recently posted online, wondering what was different about the way I looked. I told her that nothing was different. Sure, my hair is longer than it normally is, but other than that I haven't changed anything about my appearance. "You look happy," she remarked. I look happy. That statement got me thinking.

I went through the pictures that I have taken over the last year looking for any marked difference between how I looked then versus how I look now. Of course there are subtle differences between my appearance...my hair is longer, I've lost weight, I'm another year older, etc. But, did I look happier? Hmmmm...yes, I think I do. I look lighter, more at peace. And this causes me to ask myself why? What's the difference? Everything. Everything is different this year.

I started this year knowing what I was getting into. I knew what to expect, what needed to happen and when it needed to happen. I knew how to set better boundaries, how to make my expectations clear, and generally how to live here. I don't feel this constant sense of crushing stress, anxiety, and feelings of impotence. I am excited about what I'm doing. I love my job again.

I know, though, that in oder to get to where I am today I had to go through all that I did last year. I had to go through the growing pains to be able to enjoy where I am at now. We don't go through anything in life for naught. There is a purpose behind each and every experience. The Lord uses those times to refine us, to cause us to become more like Jesus, and to strip more of this world from who we are. More often than not it is times of greatest struggle, challenge, and pain that the Lord uses for our benefit and His ultimate glory. I think this is because we step away from ourselves because we often realize that we are in essence powerless, we are not in control, we are not the focus of the universe...He is. We essentially get out of God's way and let Him be who He is and let ourselves be dependent on Him. Or at least this is what I've experienced in times of challenge and change.

I am happier. I am more joyful. I am filled with a sense of excitement and energy again. I thank the Lord for all that I worked through to get me to this point. Through everything I have seen His grace, mercy, love, and strength in ways I may not have been open to before. Everything is different this year and I can't help but wonder how different or what the differences will be one year from now...

Well...that ended badly

You know, I try to do the right thing by people. I try to be honest, up front, and real. And this isn't always easy, not because I want to lie, but because I don't want to hurt people's feelings. I tend to be a little more tactful/soft so as not to hurt someone and it's sometimes to my own detriment. So when I decided in June that I needed to just come out and tell "C" that I didn't think we should see each other anymore it was a really hard decision for me and I knew that it would be uncomfortable and awkward. I didn't want to do it and was happy when I was stood up.

Since I've been back, though, he has called me close to 9 times and I knew that I had to confront the situation. The next time he called I was saying "Arrivederci." Easier said than done....

He called today while I was eating lunch with Lynda. I had asked her earlier this week if she would be there when I talked to him for nothing more than moral support. (And her being the amazing friend that she is agreed.) So he called and asked to get together for coffee. I told him that I couldn't because of work and that I didn't  think we were compatible because of my relationship with Jesus. And yet, he persisted and kept asking me out. And asking me out. And asking me out. AHHHHHHHHHH!!! I was being clear. I didn't know how to be any more clearer. Finally, I think the bulb went on in his head and he got it because the line suddenly went dead. Two seconds later I received a text cursing me in Italian. So, that's how it's going to be? Gotcha.

I know that this wasn't the relationship that God wanted for me. I know that he wasn't who I was supposed to be with, but is a little maturity, a little common decency too much to ask for? I guess so.

Here's what I don't get. I didn't lead him on. I didn't do him wrong. I wasn't something that I'm not nor did I promise anything. We went out for coffee. Twice. Where's the disconnect? And it's not as if I think I'm the most amazing person to ever grace the face of this earth that the lack of me in one's life would cause such heartache, such pain, such an emptiness that they would lash out in this way. I just don't get it. Am I naive or missing something? I don't think so....clearly, though, he is and I am better off for not having him in my life any longer. Still....what a good story.

Thankful

I think that for the most part most people would agree that they take their loved ones for granted. It's not that this is intentional, but it is just something that happens. And usually it isn't until something happens to them, to us, that this changes.

I know that I have taken for granted that my mom would be my mom, that she would be the best friend that I have known and loved forever, but it wasn't until she became sick this year and disappeared for a bit that I realized how much I have taken for granted. I received an email from her today that was so much like my 'old' mom that tears gathered in my eyes. It's been nearly 5 months since I've caught a glimpse of her and it was just so great to have hope confirmed. I know that she is finding her way back to who she is, that the Lord is restoring her, and it's just such a blessing to bear witness to her return. I know that there will still be hard days ahead of us, but this is the first glimpse of my mom in so long that I can't help, but praise God and trust that when I go home for Christmas I will be greeted by my temporarily missing best friend.

Pursued

I have been back in Rome for a week now after being at home for a little over 2 months. Before I left I went out with a guy a couple of times, but there wasn't any sort of 'sparkage' nor did I feel that God was leading me to continue seeing him. After an uncomfortable conversation via text and then being stood up for a date that I was going to use to tell him I didn't think we should see each other any longer, I figured we were finito and that would be that. How wrong I was.

He texted me once and called me twice before I left for the States in June--this all after he stood me up. I didn't talk to him at those times because I either didn't have available minutes on my phone or I missed the call. Needless to say I was glad to be heading home thinking that by the time I returned to Rome whatever that was would for sure be done. Again, how wrong I was.

Here's the thing about Italian cell phones: if your phone is off it tells you who called it while it was off when you do turn it back on. He called me on the day I arrived back in Rome and then two days later while my phone was dead. Since then he has called me two more times; I have missed both calls.

My heart has longed to be pursued by a suitor for a really long time, but this is not how I imagined it going down. Or at least not with this particular person. We have nothing in common nor, and most importantly, does he love Jesus. That's a deal breaker for me. I admit, though, that on the one hand it is a nice big ego boost to have someone so obviously want to spend time with me, but then at the same time it's too much and kind of freaking me out a bit.

It's funny how often times we ask the Lord for something we want almost desperately only to receive some variation of that and realize that perhaps what it was that we wanted wasn't necessarily for our good at that moment, but God sort of says "Ok. You want this so badly...I'm going to let this happen and  then you'll have to deal with the consequences of not waiting on Me."

This is what happens when I move ahead of God....

Quality, not quantity

I spent this past weekend in Phoenix one last time before I head back to Rome visiting friends and my sister. Considering all that's going on at home with my mom and her health, I was really looking forward to getting away and spending time with friends I hadn't seen yet and more time with the sister.

As mentioned in a previous blog some of the friends I hadn't seen have sort of fallen off the face of the earth and I was hoping to see them, but after not hearing from them and then finding that they had other plans, I didn't get to see them at all. I was, of course, very disappointed and somewhat hurt. It just felt like I was hit with another unanticipated disappointment in a summer filled with them. But then I realized something as I was talking to my mom on the phone on Saturday afternoon that put everything in to perspective.

I spent Wed. night and most of the next day with my best friend who had a baby 2 weeks ago. She and I haven't had much alone time in quite a while and it was so good to just be with her. We had the best time just hanging out like we used to, going to dinner, and playing with her kids. Then, I met up with a friend for frozen yogurt to catch up. After that, I went to my sister's and had dinner with her, my brother-in-law, and my cousin. On Friday I met some ladies I used to work with for lunch and then headed to my dear friend Lisa's home where I spent most of the afternoon chatting with her about life and basking in the amazingness that is her kids. After that, I met up with a good friend for dinner. She and I haven't had much time together in the last several years and it was such a treat. I spent Saturday shopping and hanging out with my cousin. Two of my old friends dropped by that evening to get ice cream and watch a movie. (God Bless Justine for blessing me with Starbuck's Toffee Nut syrup and many boxes of Via). Today I met with one of my former students for a coffee and then I had lunch with my other best friend...again, one-on-one time that we so rarely get and after that I met up with another friend I hadn't seen in forever because she'd moved from Phoenix.

I shared this whirlwind activity with my mom and that's when I had my "AHA" moment. Yes, I didn't get to see all of people that I wanted to, but looking at who I got to spend my time with and the amount of quality time I got to spend with them was just what I needed and such a tremendous blessing. These women are all women who have greatly impacted my life and who challenge me in my walk with Christ and who I am becoming. They each love me well. And God knew that. He knew that when He allowed me to go to Phoenix and when He allowed my expectations for the weekend to be shaken it was for my benefit and for the restoration and encouragement of my heart.

I am so thankful for the weekend that I had because I got to be with the people that I love and the time I spent with them was better than I had hoped for because I got their undivided attention and they got mine to talk about our lives, laugh about what's been going on, and encourage one another. I sometimes forget that it's not about how many friends I have or how many friends I get to see when I am home, but rather it's about the quality of time I get to spend with those who I call friend and how much more valuable that is. I am thankful for the weekend that I had and that it wasn't the one that I'd expected. Quality is so much better than quantity.

Size matters

I have a new favorite TV show: Drop Dead Diva. It's funny, touching, witty, and sheds light on a subject near and dear to my heart: body image.

The show centers on its main female character, Jane. Or Deb. It depends. See Deb was a model who was killed in a car accident. Her soul makes its way to the "pearly gates," but when she accidentally pushes a button on her case workers computer her soul is sent back to Earth to inhabit a recently departed body, Jane. Deb is every stereotypical thing you think of when you think blonde model: self-absorbed, flighty, airhead, and more. Jane, however, is a brilliant lawyer who seems to be out of touch socially. Did I forget to mention that she's "plus-sized"?

Yep, Jane is overweight. And for Deb, this is close to her definition of hell.

What is so intriguing about this show is that the character has an opportunity to experience life as the "other half" do, that is she gets to experience life in a body that doesn't fit society's mold, what is deemed acceptable. And that's hard for her. On the one hand she gets it because she was the person on the other side, making snide remarks about overweight women, judging them based upon their looks, but now she is experiencing those same things but from the other angle. She's the one who is the target of the remarks, the judgements...and it hurts and angers her.

I think this is fabulous. If nothing else, I hope this show sparks conversation and helps us to stop and think before we judge someone based on their size. I hope this show sparks someone's thought process towards themselves as they belittle themselves because they ate a "bad" food or had a "bad" food day...whether they're a size 4 or a size 24. Our lives should not be measured by the size of our pants, but rather who we are and what we do with the life we've been given. I, for one, hope that this show is a stepping stone towards healing for a culture that seeks to place more importance, more value on what a person looks like instead of who they are.

Catch Drop Dead Diva on Lifetime.

Limbo

When I was home at Christmas time I wrote about how I felt like a visitor in my own life...that while I visited friends and family it was disjointed and I felt disconnected. And here I am at home again and the feeling of not really belonging anywhere is just as pervasive and maybe even more evident now.

Being home hasn't been easy this time around. My mom's going through some pretty serious medical issues and so the vacation that I thought I was going to get has been almost non-existent. I thought I would be getting rest, relaxation, and pampering. Rather, I find myself in a cycle of frustration, hurt, and sadness as my best friend is, hopefully, temporarily 'missing'. After the year that I've had what with moving across the globe, adjusting to a new job, trying to make a life in a foreign culture, and what God has brought me through, I just needed a break. I haven't gotten that.

Ok. Fine. I can deal with that. My mom means everything to me and she has sacrificed so much for our family that I will do anything for her, but that's also a very lonely place to be in. (Let me pause here and say that while the situation with my mom is often heartbreaking it is not without hope. I know that our God is good. I know that our God is faithful. And I am trusting that He is making a way in the desert as He promises in Isaiah 43) My dad's at work all day and has his own stuff to deal with. My sisters' are not in town and while they support us as much as possible from where they're at when all is said and done it's just me and my mom alone here all day. And so when she asked me today who I was going to for fellowship, for support, and encouragement I realized that I couldn't name anyone other than my sisters, my best friend, and a couple of other people. Granted, I know that Jesus is always with me and that He is my Rock and has been my Rock, but He also created us for relationship, for community.

I guess where I'm at right now is realizing that I don't really belong anywhere anymore. In Rome, I don't have any friends outside of a couple of people because 1) my job keeps me so busy, and 2) I don't speak the language. Meanwhile, here in AZ those people who were my community have kind of dropped off the face of the planet for me. I've called/emailed/texted them and either I don't get a response or it becomes my responsibility to plan everything. And I'm tired of that. I feel invisible. I recognize that life is cyclical and that there is a season for everything under the sun and that people are often in our lives for only a season, but I guess there's a disconnect between my expectations and reality. I know that people are busy with their own lives, their own stuff...but I also know that we invest in what we really care about and what really matters. That's not to say that our friendships weren't cared for or didn't matter, but perhaps it was just for that season and these are relationships that weren't meant to go any further than they did.

I know that I'm not the best at keeping in touch when a friend moves away and I have to ask for forgiveness for that because I now know how it feels to be the one who leaves. It sucks. I guess if nothing else this now causes me to treat people differently as they come in and out of my life because I can relate. I moved around a lot when I was younger and I know what it's like to say goodbye and be the new girl on the block, but as a kid that's easier because kids are more welcoming. As an adult, we're settled, we're in niches, and it's oftentimes hard to insert yourself somewhere new.

I know that the Lord is doing something in my life and has been working in me in this area for quite some time. I know that ultimately whatever He is doing is for my good and His glory. I am trusting that His ways are better than my own. I often ask myself what I'm going to do after I am done in Rome and for a while there I didn't think I'd go back to Phoenix because let's face it: I am so over 117 degree weather, but then I thought I would return because I missed the community that I belonged to. But I don't really  belong to a community there anymore. So maybe what God is doing is preparing me for another 'frontier'; He's preparing me for when I return to the States to a place where I don't know anyone and have to start all over again. I don't know. At this point I'm just typing and trying to process my feelings and thoughts. Perhaps this is my virtual pity party. Whatever it may be, I can say that it feels pretty good to get this off my chest.

Too funny

I was nervous as anything today knowing that I was going to have to tell 'him' that I wasn't interested in seeing him anymore. I prayed all morning that God would intervene and would speak through me or do whatever He needed to do...hahahaha....never did I think that meant that 'he' wouldn't show up at all!

We were supposed to meet at 2:30. Well...2:35: no guy....2:40: no guy and no text....2:45: same....2:50: same...2:55: same. 3:00: I left.  I figured a half an hour was long enough to wait without any sort of communication. I asked a friend if I was supposed to call/text him to see where he was, but she said that at this stage I wasn't...it was all on him. So. I was stood up. Hahahahaha. I suppose that under normal circumstances this would be fairly embarrassing and I wouldn't be sharing it with the blogging world, but under these circumstances...well, I'm somewhat relieved.

I suppose that if these last two weeks have taught me anything it's that I will more than likely get a text message of some sort, but I'm not worried now. While I will  be considerate of his feelings because that's who I am and that's who God has called me to be...I won't beat around the bush. Finito.

Thank you Lord for all that you're teaching me through this. May I carry this lesson on to the next time....hahahaha.

Take My Life and Let It Be

1. Take my life and let it be
   consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
   Take my moments and my days,
   let them flow in ceaseless praise.
   Take my hands and let them move
   at the impulse of Thy love.
   Take my feet and let them be
   swift and beautiful for Thee.
   
   Take my voice and let me sing
   always, only for my King.
   Take my lips and let them be
   filled with messages from Thee.
   Take my silver and my gold
   not a mite would I withhold.
   Take my intellect and use
   every power as You choose.
   
   ::Chorus::
   Here am I, all of me.
   Take my life, it's all for Thee.
   
   Take my will and make it Thine
   it shall be no longer mine.
   Take my heart it is Thine own
   it shall be Thy royal throne.
   Take my love, my Lord I pour
   at Your feet its treasure store
   Take myself and I will be
   ever, only, all for Thee.
   Take myself and I will be
   ever, only, all for Thee.
   
   Here am I, all of me.
   Take my life, it's all for Thee.
   x3
   
   (Take my life, Lord take my life. Take all of me)
   
   Here am I, all of me.
   Take my life, it's all for Thee.
2. Frances R. Havergal, 1874 and Chris Tomlin
3. 
   

Learning

In my last post I asked God what it was that He was trying to teach me through my experience with the 'guy'. Honesty. That's what He's teaching me. Honesty.

What makes me so sure? Or why do I think this? Oh. Could it be because I received another text today asking me to go to coffee this afternoon? Yep. That's what happened. It happened cause I left the door open rather than closing it. So, now what to do? Here's what I'm going to do: I am going to meet him for coffee tomorrow and tell him in person. Isn't that going to suck? Yeah, it is. But! If I'd been honest from the get go the other day, I wouldn't be in this position now.

So, tomorrow I am going to be honest and tell him that I am just not interested. Lord, give me the words and the strength. I promise that from here on out....I will be honest!!!

Ciao....ok, not quite

So, I chickened out. I did. I didn't mean to, but I did. Sigh....

 I had an out today when 'he' asked me to dinner for tomorrow night. I couldn't go and I told him. Then, about 10 minutes later I received a text that essentially said: "Ah, I understand. You don't want to see me any more." Yes! I should have responded with..."Well, yes. I am headed home next week and I just don't think we have anything in common." What did I do instead? I wrote back: "I'm sorry, but it's just bad timing...my friends are here from the States, I'm leaving for home next week, and I'm busier than I thought I'd be." Granted, this is all true....it's jut not the whole truth. I thought that that would be it. Nope.

"Are you coming back?"

"Yes, in September."

"I'll see you in September maybe."

No! No maybe...but I left that door open because I was too afraid to close it...I didn't want to hurt him. UGH! Isn't it going to hurt more by letting him think that there's a future here? I should think so. I've been told so.

Here's what I'm thinking, though...I leave. I come back in September and by that time he will have forgotten all about me. It's possible, but still. I needed to step up and do what was right.

Sometimes that thing that you ask for and pray for for so long turns out to be the opposite of what you want or like. I've asked Jesus for so long for this opportunity and I get it (granted, not with "the" guy, but still) and it stinks. It's unnerving. It shows you how vulnerable we are as people. In all truth I admire him and respect him for putting himself out there...for having the courage to approach a complete stranger and start a conversation. Shouldn't I then reciprocate that vulnerability by letting him know that it's not happening? Sheesh....

On top of all this, I need to go back now and rewrite parts of a book I'm writing on singlehood plus add a whole new chapter. Always learning. Always going forward. Life. That's what this is. A great big life lesson....ok. What are you trying to teach me Lord? :)

Being the bad guy

Since my last post I have gone out once more with the 'guy'. The second date was definitely more awkward than the first, in my opinion. There were several moments where silence loomed before us, neither knowing what to say, and there were several moments when we could not communicate to the other what we wanted to say because of the language barrier. Then, there were a couple of moments where our cultural differences became even more apparent when something happened that to him was acceptable and to me was not simply because we're coming from two different cultural perspectives.

Personally, I thought that the last time we went out would be it and I would be spared from having to tell him that I wasn't interested in seeing him again in any way, shape, or form. (He's a nice enough guy, but we have nothing in common and so there's no point in continuing any sort of relationship.) As if it would be that easy...

He texted me today to see if I wanted to grab coffee, but I was busy with friends who came to visit from the States. Now I am left wondering what to say to him, how to communicate to him that I don't want to see him anymore. I'm trying to figure out how to navigate this whole dating thing and it's hard enough without having to add cultural differences to the mix, but that's what God has for me in this moment. For once I seem to be at a loss for words or what to even say. So, I guess it's up to me to be the 'bad guy' and put an end to all this...eek. I've never been good at that sort of thing in my own life.

As my friend, Heidi, pointed out today, though....it's a great story nonetheless.

Makes sense

Dating. A natural phenomenon for everyone. Or at least for everyone, but me. For much of my adult life when it comes to dating I have felt like a kid who has pressed her nose against the candy store window looking at all the sweet treats, but unable to indulge. That is, until now.

I had my first date today and I have to say...I now know why God protected me from this. I do not like it! There's too much pressure and as someone with a sensitive heart I know that I was not cut out for all this dating stuff! I was a nervous wreck beforehand and during. Granted, it was a date with someone whose first language is not the same as mine, but still...it was completely unsettling. I understand now why in His wisdom the Lord spared me these roller coaster feelings/emotions...dating is hard.

Dilema

A friend and I had a lovely evening out tonight. We went and saw a movie and then followed that up with a yummy Thai meal. (I'm at the place where if I have any more pizza or pasta I may throw up.) She left me off at the bus stop and went on home.

The ride was just like any other bus ride...a little too fast around the corners and throw-the-brakes-on-so-everyone-goes-flying-forward kind of driving. I exited at my stop and a guy around my age got off at the same time.  I started to walk up my street when he asked me a question in Italian. Of course, I have no idea what he asked me as my Italian is elementary at best. So, he began to chat with me in English. He asked me where I was from, what am I doing here in Rome...basic questions. And I was completely unprepared with how to handle the situation as I've never been in this situation before.

When all was said and done he asked me for my phone number and whether or not we could meet at the corner bar (that's what coffee shops in Italy are called). I wasn't comfortable giving him my number, nor do I know it after 8 months of living here, and I wasn't comfortable meeting him without thinking about it/praying about it first. So, in the end he gave me his number and told me to call him. And that's where I find myself now. Uncharted territory for me. I don't have a clue what to do.

On the one hand I am flattered and kinda-sorta giddy that I have finally been asked out, but on the other hand I'm in a foreign culture and don't have a clue as to how to handle this situation. What to do? What to do?

Giving myself some credit

I was reading a book (surprise, surprise) in which one of the characters had recently moved to the US from France. In the midst of the story the character is relating a challenge to another character and the thought crosses the other's mind. It went something like this: "She had to be tough as nails. Not everyone could pull up stakes and move to a foreign country. That took real guts." And it struck my heart. That's me. The character's talking about me.

Yes, there have been a lot of challenges. Yes, it's been hard. Yes, I've wanted to go home. Yes, it's been rewarding. Yes, it's been fun. Yes, it's been....whatever this time has been it has shown me that I do have guts. Granted, I trust that God brought me here, that He called me here, but couldn't I have also just as easily ignored that call as easily as I obeyed it? I think so. And yet, I chose to follow. That takes faith. That takes courage.

I am looking at my wall right now and it's covered with pictures of me with my friends and family. Today's one of those days where I just want to be home with them. I miss them all and there are some challenges right now and it seems easier to me to escape to home rather than deal with them. I don't know who this person is sometimes that's here. She's not who I was when I got here....and while that's often good, sometimes I don't like who I've become. I have to ask Jesus to make me into the person He wants me to be. I need to trust that the Holy Spirit is at work in my heart and my life. And I need to give myself some credit and cut myself some slack. I've done something most people couldn't do outside of their wildest dreams. I left everything behind in order to follow God and my heart. And that takes some guts...

Risking

When I was a little girl I wanted to be an astronaut. I thought that would be the coolest thing EVER. I wrote to NASA for a project in the second grade and they wrote back and included the most amazing pictures of space and astronauts floating above the earth. I wrote to Sally Ride, the first woman in space, and she wrote me back and even sent an autographed picture. My parents took me to the Kennedy Space Center on a visit to Florida and Space Camp was a favorite movie. I was obsessed.

I dreamed that one day I would float in the great black expanse with the moon behind me and our planet rotating in front of me. I wasn't even deterred after the Challenger tragedy. As is the case of many childhood dreams, mine slowly died for a number of reasons and I no longer found myself wanting to shoot off into the final frontier. (When I was in high school and past the stage of wanting to be an astronaut I met Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon, at a local charity tennis event. That was by far one of the coolest moments of my life.)

Since then I haven't really had any one thing that I've wanted to do with my life. Many people grow up knowing exactly what they want to do with the rest of their lives and that's what they do. I didn't. I have always had these vague ideas of what I wanted. I wanted to write. I wanted to be an author. I wanted to be a wedding planner. I wanted to write for a travel magazine. I wanted to....really, so many things.

I earned my undergrad degree in Broadcast Journalism, but decided shortly after graduation and a job at a local TV station that that wasn't what I wanted to do with my life. Huh. Now what? Sure. There were a lot of things that I would 'love to do,' but reality is another thing. Bills. The future. Life. All those things that take money. And so I found myself in higher education. Really, it was an 'accidental' career path. It was only supposed to be a temporary stop until I discovered what I really wanted to do and where God wanted me. Well, it's 9 years later and I'm still in higher ed. And really I am living out my dream for the most part. I'm living in Italy and doing life with students. I am where God wants me to be. How many people can say that? Not many. Still, there's that part of me that still craves publication, writing deadlines, wedding planning, and all of those creative outlets.

So, what I decided this weekend was this: I am going to look for ways to write freelance for travel magazines/websites, wedding design magazines/websites, and other places where I can practice my craft.    I am going to write short stories and take the pressure off myself to write my NOVEL.

I am going to put myself out there. I am going to risk. I am going to be vulnerable and see where it leads. I can't sit back anymore and call myself a writer if I'm not writing. I can't sit back and let life pass me by while I read other people's published work...and sometimes work that's not all that good at that! I am energized by this prospect and scared all at the same time. I suppose that this is normal and natural any time that you put yourself out there, anytime that you pursue your dreams. But I'd rather put myself out there and fail then find myself at the end of my life wondering what could have been had I tried. I am taking a deep breath. And I am leaping into the vast unknown...I suppose this is what it would feel like if I'd gone to space...breathless, a little scary, and exhilarating all at the same time.

A quote to live by

A friend of mine recently quoted this to me: “A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ, that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.” Maya Angelou


Ooh...that's a good one and one I want to live out. I want this to be true of me. 

Letting it out

Let's face it...there are a lot of things in our lives that we are often powerless to change. No matter how desperately we wish things were different...they just aren't. And sometimes you just feel like you want to scream because there's really nothing you can do to change the circumstance you're in because it's just the way life is and it's where God has you at the moment. Well...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Whew. That might not have changed anything, but at the same time...I feel better. :)

The curse that is writer's block...

I've been writing stories since elementary school. I think it may have all started the year Mrs. Anderson had each of us in her second grade class write letters and stories to and for the class' mascot, Paddington Bear. It was one of my favorite things about her class. I still remember the week it was my turn. It was the week my family traveled to Florida to visit my grandparents. I described everything in painstaking detail for Paddington and embellished quite a bit along the way. Then, when I was in the 7th grader my english teacher, Mr. Swann from Melbourne, Australia, encouraged my writing more than any other teacher I'd ever had. He encouraged my imagination and my love for painting pictures with words. I was hooked. And I suppose that my natural inclination towards anything containing the written word helped as well. I consume books...always have. I love crossword puzzles, word jumbles, Yahoo's Twist Text. I love words.

I wrote and was an editor for my high school newspaper. I majored in Broadcast Journalism and wrote for Phoenix's Fox station for a time. I wrote for a Christian newspaper for over a year. And for the last 10 years I have wanted to write a novel. It's there. It's inside me. I just can't seem to find it.

Sometimes I feel like it's so close to the surface only to have it skirt away from me as if it's a mirage in a barren desert. Sometimes I hear the conversations between characters inside me, but once I begin to write they cease. It's there. I know it is. I just can't seem to overcome this writers block that has plagued me for too many years. I want to find my story.  I want to find my voice as an author. What do I have to say? Who is it that I want to create? I hate writers block!

I've never been as disciplined as other writers. I don't sit down and do character sketches. I don't do plot charts and figure out where my story is headed before I sit down to write. Rather, I've always just sat down and began to write, letting the words pour forth and my fingers move over the keyboard until words appear on a screen. Perhaps this is my mistake. Maybe I need more discipline.

Setting the record straight

In an earlier post I talked about my future in Italy and what I was going to do in the coming years and even next year. Apparently this has started something because I've received a couple of inquiries from friends who want to know what's going on and if I want to live with them. So, it seems to me that I need to clear some things up...

When I wrote that post it was shortly after my mom left. I don't know about you, but whenever I leave my family (even when I was living in Phoenix and was only an hour and a half away) I am always filled with a sense of homesickness. I love my family. They are the most important people in the world to me and we actually have fun together. I like spending time with them...my mom's one of my best friends. So, after she left I found myself in my usual "homesick" funk not to mention that she left a couple of days before students returned from spring break so it was quiet and a bit lonely here. And that's all it was. Once students returned and we got back into the "swing of things" I felt better and felt good about where I was and what God was doing in my life. I decided shortly after I published my post that I was staying for sure next year, but didn't do any kind of an update here.

What I reminded my friends was that this blog is sort of a fluid journal. While what I post at the moment may be true, it may not be after I hit 'Publish Post' because I was able to express what I needed to and get it off my chest. Since I am a writer and this is how God created my brain to work, I use this blog as a way of processing my life...of thinking through what God's doing in my life and where I'm at. Nothing more. Nothing less. So please know that while I miss you all and there are days when I recognize that life at home was easier, I know that this is where the Lord has me and I am happy to be here. Ciao for now and Happy Easter!!

Catching up...

I spent some time this evening talking to a friend on Skype. We have a standing "Skype date" on Wed nights. I cherish this time and look forward to it every week. It's one of my week's highlights.

Normally after we finish talking I go to bed, but tonight I was on Facebook for a bit and ended up chatting with a friend that I haven't talked to in a while. He moved back to CA several years ago and got married recently so we've kind of lost touch. It was so good to 'talk' to him! It was just fun hearing about what's new in his life and talking about old times.

You Are Beautiful!!

Since my time in treatment for my eating disorder I have become impassioned about making sure that women, myself included, know that they are beautiful...AS THEY ARE....not 10 pounds lighter...not when their hair is cut...not when they've got the perfect outfit...not when their make-up is aptly applied....but AS THEY ARE. Because we are made in God's image. He is by definition beautiful. Look at all He has created! The sun, the oceans, the mountains, flowers, sunsets. Our God is a Creator of all things beautiful. This includes you and me. We are beautiful because we bear His handprint.

I was looking at a friend's Facebook page. This is someone I knew while I was in treatment. She has continued to battle her ED since I discharged 3.5 years ago. She has been in and out of treatment since that time. She was released several months ago from an amazing program that has helped to turn her life around. She seems to be in a different, better place than she's been. I'm so proud and thankful. Anyways, she had this website posted on her site. It's called Operation Beautiful and is a campaign started to remind us that we are beautiful...AS WE ARE. Check it out: http://www.operationbeautiful.com.

And remember...You ARE beautiful...just as you are.

Thinking things thru

My mom was here visiting for a week and she just left yesterday. As has been the norm since people have come to visit me here, I am struggling with a bad case of homesickness today. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss home.

My mom and I talked about my future while she was here and what the next couple of years look like. As of now the plan is to be here at least one more year, but quite honestly I don't want to be. It's not that I hate it here or my semester's been miserable because it hasn't been. Rather, it's just that I've come to realize just how important my family and friends are to me and how I'm not someone who was created to live away from them. This is the longest I've ever lived away from home and I hate that part of it. I don't know what to do. Frankly, I don't even want to stay past this year, but I feel obligated.

Whenever anyone hears what I am doing the automatic response is "that's amazing! How can I get that job?" And to some degree, it is amazing and this has been an incredible experience, but at the same time reality and the romantic notion of living/working abroad is so radically different. The reality is very lonely and very hard. My expectations and what is real are worlds apart. This is not what I thought it would be.

 So, I guess for now I am praying about where God wants me. Here or there?

God answers fast!

I wrote the email. I said no. I sent it to a friend to look over first....and then I got an email that no longer made my email necessary. All I can say is Thank You Jesus! He knew what I needed and saw to my care. I know that I will eventually have to deal with this and respond, but for now...it's not necessary!

Advocating for me

I am in the midst of trying to know how to word an email. I have very strong feelings about the subject of the email, but I can't seem to get the words out. I think it's because I am afraid. I'm afraid to stand up for myself and use my voice. I have learned the importance of doing this, but in this instance with this person I am finding it difficult.

I think it's because I don't feel safe with this person and I, more often than not, feel taken advantage by this person. I feel like they're more apt to point out all of my misgivings and failures, but not protect me, foster an environment where I am cared for...allowed to rest. And so because of that I don't feel like I can say "No". I want to, but I don't feel like I can. What's being asked of me, though, is fairly comical. I feel like such a non-entity, but so much is expected and almost demanded of me. I am happy to give 100% so long as I have some time to me and some time to recharge. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

It's funny because last night at Bible study I made the point that in the notes from our previous lesson it said  something to the effect that we should not fear the judgements others make of what they may perceive as our failures because Jesus knows who we are and we can trust who God has called us to be. Huh? So, I shouldn't fear as I write this email because I know who God made me to be and who He has called me to be. Didn't think that God would provide me a tangible example of how to apply the Truth that He revealed to me so soon. Still....what to write? What to write??

Waking life

I watched perhaps one of my favorite movies the other day and I'm still processing what it is that it stirs up inside me. Penelope is a fabulous movie about a young woman who bears a family curse in the form of a pig nose. Her parents, ok her mom, is so distraught by her daughter's "deformity" that she keeps Penelope hidden from the world and goes so far as to fake her death. It is believed that the only way to break the curse is for Penelope to be accepted by one of her own...so her mom sets out to find her a blue blood husband to break the curse. In the end, it's not a man, or anything like that that breaks the curse....it's....well, I hate to ruin the ending for you...so let's just say that Penelope learns the true meaning of beauty and acceptance.

And that's what I love about that movie. It reminds me that no matter what anyone else says or how anyone else judges me, I am beautiful because of who I am and who I am in Christ. That's it. I could have three eyes, two noses, and orange hair and still be beautiful.

The first time I saw Penelope I was unable to leave the theatre after it was over. I literally sat stunned in my seat until the credits were over. It struck such a nerve within me that I found it hard to process anything else. I was the chubby kid in my family. I was the one who carried her baby fat into adolescence. I mean I was very active in that I played tennis and soccer, I swam and I danced, but because of how I was created my bones held on to a little more flesh than say my sister's did. For my mom this was sometimes hard to reconcile because she was fairly thin all of her life. To have a daughter who wasn't was hard for her. I remember going shopping with my sisters and her and she would tell me that we would wait to buy "nice" (meaning more stylish) clothes for me until I lost the weight...because it was only a matter of time. Well, she didn't know that I was in the midst of a full blown eating disorder and secretly bingeing all of the time....she didn't know that when I stopped playing all those sports, stopped dancing that the weight that had been kept off would suddenly appear. And so I learned that because of my weight I wasn't worthy of wearing beautiful clothes..of being seen as beatiful. This is what I took from what was said. Don't get me wrong, I don't think my mom said those things to me because she wanted to hurt me, she just didn't know what to do with me. And so I wore baggy clothes, non-descript clothes. I rarely wore make-up and let my hair grow really long and stringy.

It wasn't until I was in my early 20s that I began to take ownership of my body, what I wore, and how I presented myself. I learned that even though I may weigh *** I could still treat my body as my canvas and use clothes and make-up as my art supplies. I'm not suggesting that clothing and make-up make us pretty or beautiful...rather I'm saying that until I began to carry myself with worth, acceptance, love...I wasn't able to appreciate that which God gave me. I had to accept myself. Just as Penelope did.

My heart is still stirred by that movie. It still resonates deep within me. It is a good reminder for me in a world so focused on the external that when all is said and done...what we look like on the outside doesn't matter. It's who we are, whose we are, how we love, and how we live that makes us beautiful...the rest is just icing on the cake.

Love and war

I have started an online book study of John and Stasi Eldredge's book Love and War with my mom, cousins, sisters, and aunt. The book is about marriage. Again, I am single. Hmm. Not quite sure what it is that I am doing in this study. But I know that God has purpose in all He does...and so that must mean there's something that I am to gain from it.

Community where I can find it

I am a people person. I thrive off of being surrounded by friends and family. I come alive when I can pour into other people and they in turn into me. Anyone who knows me knows this to be true. And I suppose that's why I love working with students so much. I get to do this all the time. And get paid for it.

Still, there's something to be said for having friends your own age and a community of people who are at the same life stage as you are. I had that at home. I had people who I could go to with any and everything...people I could call up and meet for a meal, a movie, or a Nordstrom fix. I don't have that here in Rome. Yes, I do have Lynda and she's great, but I need someone outside of this place to be with. So, I'm praying for a friend.

I recognized last semester that friendship was missing. What I didn't realize until most recently is that despite not having community...I have sought it out and found it. Of course, I have found it in books and not in real people. Since I was a little girl I have loved to read. I would lock myself in my room and read for hours and hours. Looking back I now see that at those times in my life when I have been lonely or not a part of community my reading has increased. I remember when we moved from WI to AZ sitting in my room all day on a Saturday and reading. I read books over and over again as if I am meeting with old friends. And that's what it is...a meeting of friends. I have found community tucked in the pages of the books that I am reading or have read. I know on some levels that this is not healthy, that I need relationship with real people and not in a fictional time and place, but it strikes me that though we may not have community available we still seek it out and will attempt to find it no matter where or what. There's something comforting in the people I encounter amidst the pages of novels. And for a short time I am not alone. There is a need within me that is being met.

Still, I know myself well enough to know that I cannot live like this. It's not healthy for me. I need human interaction, human connections. After all, this is what we were created for. We were created for community, for relationship. I know that God desires that we find this in Him first and those around us second.

I know I need to cut back on my reading. I need to put my book down and get out into life. Do you have community? Relationship? Or are you filling that God-given need with books, music, shopping, or temporal things that will ultimately be an illusion of the real thing?

Amazing grace

The new semester is underway. Students arrived a week ago and already....so different from last semester. Thank you Lord!

I learned so much last semester about what not to do and what needs to be clearer and so I don't know if that's why things seem to be going smoother now or it's because I and so many have covered this semester in prayer. I suppose it's a combination of the two.

I was at Bible study the other night and one of the women in my group mentioned that I looked different. Did I have a new haircut? No. Did I put on different make-up? No. Did I.....? No. And then I think I figured it out. Peace. I have so much more peace this time around. And I suppose that's because I've done what I didn't do nearly enough of last semester...I've been praying and talking to God about these students and this semester. I have sought His face more than I did last semester. And I guess that's kind of the point to life...that we learn from our mistakes and move forward...allowing God to use those moments in our lives to mold us into a better version of who we are....to be more like Christ.

I am finally excited again about what I am doing here. I am finally finding life and energy in what I'm doing. And it's nice. I know that this semester will bring challenges because how can there not be when 13 fallen human beings are living together? But this time around...I know what needs to happen....thanks to God's amazing grace.

Passing thru my life

I've been home for the last 3 weeks. It has been so good to be home, to not have to think thru every little thing, to be known by those around me. And yet, it's a little unsettling at the same time. It's as if I'm a visitor in my own life. Does that make sense?

Last week I spent 4 days in Phoenix and was able to spend a little bit of time with friends and my sister. It was wonderful to see people that I love and have missed, but at the same time it was...weird. Lives have continued on without me; my life has continued on without them. There are things in my life they cannot relate to and vice versa. I don't really fit in anymore and yet I don't really fit in in Rome either. I don't have a support system, a group of friends to return to. It feels almost as if I don't belong anywhere anymore. I don't seem to have a place to land. I don't know what to do with that exactly. What is the Lord doing in this? What is His plan in the midst of this?