Tonight, however, I had an amazing conversation with my sister about how I am doing with where I am at in life--relationally, professionally, and spiritually. Rather than hiding behind "I'm fine" or other vague answers, I really shared with her how I am feeling and what I am thinking. It was scary and vulnerable, but in the end I felt so much lighter--a sense of peace. And I am left asking myself: why I don't do this more often? What am I afraid of? What do I think will happen if I share too much or share what I am really thinking with others? What would it look like if I was honest with friends when they disappoint me? What if I said to the friend who made a big deal about getting together with me before I left for Rome, but then never doing anything to make that happen--though I've been home for 4 months and that's quite a lot of time for someone to make the 1.5 hour trip to Tucson--that I was really hurt and felt rejected? What would it look like if I was honest and said that I am excited to get back to Rome though I know my family doesn't want me to leave?
I don't know. I don't know what would happen in those relationships where I've been settling for crumbs and accepting what I can get from people because I am afraid to want or ask for more out of a fear of rejection. Are those real friendships then if they fall apart because I'm being real? I would say no, they're not.
I believe that we are all called into relationship with one another and with God through Christ. And being in relationship is about being real with who you are---transparent, vulnerable, and open. I like knowing that my sister now understands me better and understands where I need prayer and support. There's a sense of being known and wanted regardless of what I shared. Granted, I shared with my sister and I can pretty much guarantee that she loves me no matter what, but I think I want to pursue this kind of relationship with my friends as well.
I recently wrote a card to my best friend thanking her for being the kind of friend that I could trust, being the kind of friend who made an effort to spend time with me, being the kind of friend that allowed me to really be me---warts and all. It was so freeing and such a gift to remember our 16 year friendship and all that we've been through together. I am so thankful for her and the gift that is our friendship.
Where are you at? Are you able to really share who you are, what you're feeling, or what's going on in your life with those around you? Or are you scared that if you do that that you'll be rejected, ignored, or found lacking? I challenge you to open yourself up and share with those around you. Word vomit is not necessary, but honesty and vulnerability is. Go for it. Next time someone asks you how you're doing, why don't you really tell them how you're doing rather than the perfunctory "I'm fine." You may be surprised by what the Lord has for you...
