I came home hoping that my modem was magically working and I could connect...but nope. And that's when it hit me. I had to unplug my mouse the other day because it was being tempermental. In fact, I just yanked it from the back of the tower...I wonder....WOW. Really? I seriously spent 45 minutes on the phone with Cox when I could have just looked behind my tower and discover that I'd unconnected my modem from my computer. Yeah....wow...typical. Dum-da-dum. :)
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wow. Really?
I spent 45 minutes on the phone last night with Cox Communications because my internet hasn't been working for the last day and a half. They checked my modem and my connections from their office and said that it appeared on their end that everything was in working order and perhaps it was my actual computer. Frustrated, I hung up the phone and met a friend for a movie.
I came home hoping that my modem was magically working and I could connect...but nope. And that's when it hit me. I had to unplug my mouse the other day because it was being tempermental. In fact, I just yanked it from the back of the tower...I wonder....WOW. Really? I seriously spent 45 minutes on the phone with Cox when I could have just looked behind my tower and discover that I'd unconnected my modem from my computer. Yeah....wow...typical. Dum-da-dum. :)
I came home hoping that my modem was magically working and I could connect...but nope. And that's when it hit me. I had to unplug my mouse the other day because it was being tempermental. In fact, I just yanked it from the back of the tower...I wonder....WOW. Really? I seriously spent 45 minutes on the phone with Cox when I could have just looked behind my tower and discover that I'd unconnected my modem from my computer. Yeah....wow...typical. Dum-da-dum. :)
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Hadassah
I am the kind of person who often finds themselves wishing that they could be the characters in fiction. I lose myself in who they are and wish fervently that I could trade places with them...they embody so much of what I want to be, who I want to be, and what I want to have.
I just finished, for the umpteenth time, reading the first two books of Francine Rivers' Mark of the Lion series. The series follows the story of a young Christian slave, Hadassah, and the Roman family she serves, the Valerians, in ancient Rome. In her own estimation, Hadassah is weak. She feels that she lacks the strength and courage to overtly share her faith with the lost family. She tells her mistress, Julia, stories from Scripture and sings to her psalms without ever really speaking the name of Christ. For this, she feels inadequate. Yet, what draws me is not what she perceives to be her weakness, but what is her strength. She loves Jesus and serves Him alone without apology. Every thing that she does is in response to who He is and who she is in Him. Her faith is alive and strong. And when she is tested, she does not deny Him, but rather proclaims His name and lordship despite the impending death she is about to face because of her faith. And when all is said and done the entire family is saved and redeemed. For this, I want to be her.
I want this type of faith. I want to serve out of my relationship with Christ...to love and live as she did because of Jesus. I know that this is fiction and, as such, faith like this is easier said than done, but I have to believe that it exists. I can't believe that the faith this character has isn't an offspring of the author's own faith journey or the revelation of men and women in the Bible. I crave the kind of faith and relationship that Hadassah had with Jesus with every fiber of my being. I found myself on my knees last night asking God for this kind of faith...to know Him and have relationship with Him as this non-existent person did.
That's the first reason I want to be Hadassah....the second is Marcus.
Oh. Marcus. WOW. Not only do I often wish to be fictional characters, but I often wish to be loved and desired as they are. I know it's fiction and real life is more complicated and muddied, but to be loved by someone like Marcus and as Marcus loves Hadassah...well, please Lord!
Marcus is a proud and lost man. He seeks pleasure from everywhere and everything. It is through his interactions with Hadassah and the Holy Spirit working in his life that he falls for her. He falls madly in love with her not because of what she has or what she looks like. Hadassah is described in the book as unremarkable...unlovely...and yet to him, she is the most beautiful creature. It is apparent that this beauty does not come from the external, but the internal. It is the beautiful and sweet Spirit of God that makes her beautiful...lovely...desirable. I want this! I want a man to see me, despite of my appearance, as beautiful because of who God is within me.
In the second book everyone thinks that Hadassah is dead because Julia had her fed to the lions. Instead, God has spared her life and is using her. Her encounter with the lions has left her crippled and disfigured. Because of this she does not reveal her true identity to Marcus. She remains veiled out of shame at her appearance and because she does not believe herself to be beautiful. And yet, when her face is unveiled he does not see her scars...he sees her beauty. "You are more beautiful to me than any woman in the world," he said huskily, "and more precious than all the gold of a thousand ships."
Is this possible? Is it possible to be found beautiful despite our physical flaws? I want to know that kind of love. I want to be beautiful to someone despite how I look...I want to be beheld like that. Does that exist in men today? Or ever? Or am I trying to live in a fantasy world....?
I just finished, for the umpteenth time, reading the first two books of Francine Rivers' Mark of the Lion series. The series follows the story of a young Christian slave, Hadassah, and the Roman family she serves, the Valerians, in ancient Rome. In her own estimation, Hadassah is weak. She feels that she lacks the strength and courage to overtly share her faith with the lost family. She tells her mistress, Julia, stories from Scripture and sings to her psalms without ever really speaking the name of Christ. For this, she feels inadequate. Yet, what draws me is not what she perceives to be her weakness, but what is her strength. She loves Jesus and serves Him alone without apology. Every thing that she does is in response to who He is and who she is in Him. Her faith is alive and strong. And when she is tested, she does not deny Him, but rather proclaims His name and lordship despite the impending death she is about to face because of her faith. And when all is said and done the entire family is saved and redeemed. For this, I want to be her.
I want this type of faith. I want to serve out of my relationship with Christ...to love and live as she did because of Jesus. I know that this is fiction and, as such, faith like this is easier said than done, but I have to believe that it exists. I can't believe that the faith this character has isn't an offspring of the author's own faith journey or the revelation of men and women in the Bible. I crave the kind of faith and relationship that Hadassah had with Jesus with every fiber of my being. I found myself on my knees last night asking God for this kind of faith...to know Him and have relationship with Him as this non-existent person did.
That's the first reason I want to be Hadassah....the second is Marcus.
Oh. Marcus. WOW. Not only do I often wish to be fictional characters, but I often wish to be loved and desired as they are. I know it's fiction and real life is more complicated and muddied, but to be loved by someone like Marcus and as Marcus loves Hadassah...well, please Lord!
Marcus is a proud and lost man. He seeks pleasure from everywhere and everything. It is through his interactions with Hadassah and the Holy Spirit working in his life that he falls for her. He falls madly in love with her not because of what she has or what she looks like. Hadassah is described in the book as unremarkable...unlovely...and yet to him, she is the most beautiful creature. It is apparent that this beauty does not come from the external, but the internal. It is the beautiful and sweet Spirit of God that makes her beautiful...lovely...desirable. I want this! I want a man to see me, despite of my appearance, as beautiful because of who God is within me.
In the second book everyone thinks that Hadassah is dead because Julia had her fed to the lions. Instead, God has spared her life and is using her. Her encounter with the lions has left her crippled and disfigured. Because of this she does not reveal her true identity to Marcus. She remains veiled out of shame at her appearance and because she does not believe herself to be beautiful. And yet, when her face is unveiled he does not see her scars...he sees her beauty. "You are more beautiful to me than any woman in the world," he said huskily, "and more precious than all the gold of a thousand ships."
Is this possible? Is it possible to be found beautiful despite our physical flaws? I want to know that kind of love. I want to be beautiful to someone despite how I look...I want to be beheld like that. Does that exist in men today? Or ever? Or am I trying to live in a fantasy world....?
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Timing
So, as I hit post on my last blog I also opened my email in another window. My dad sent me an email with a Scripture that he received today. Here it is:
Do not let the book of the Lord depart from your mouth. Meditate on it day and night, so you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you be strong and courageous, do not be terrified, Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
Ha ha ha ha! The LORD is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. He knows better than anyone what I need in any given moment and freely gives it to me. While the temptation hasn't subsided, it is manageable. Thank you, Jesus.
Do not let the book of the Lord depart from your mouth. Meditate on it day and night, so you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you be strong and courageous, do not be terrified, Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
Ha ha ha ha! The LORD is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. He knows better than anyone what I need in any given moment and freely gives it to me. While the temptation hasn't subsided, it is manageable. Thank you, Jesus.
Not again
It seems to me that sometimes my life is stuck on repeat. I repeat the same bad decisions...something I see/hear triggers something in me again and my reaction is repeated...again. I am sick of it. I am sick of having to fight so much all the time. To keep from repeating the same patterns.
It amazes me that though our enemy isn't omniscient, omnipresent, or omnipotent he knows exactly how to tempt me...how to get me to trip over myself and fall flat on my face. How is that? How does he know me so well? What have I done to aid him? How is it that one picture, one harmless little picture can send me spiraling into my own hell?
UGH. I hate the devil.
It amazes me that though our enemy isn't omniscient, omnipresent, or omnipotent he knows exactly how to tempt me...how to get me to trip over myself and fall flat on my face. How is that? How does he know me so well? What have I done to aid him? How is it that one picture, one harmless little picture can send me spiraling into my own hell?
UGH. I hate the devil.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Boxing up my life
So, I started to pack my house up today. What a daunting task!
I've been wanting to start the process now because I know that my life's about to get insane in March and then it would all be left till the last minute. So, I started in my "office" area. I packed up my books and some knick knacks. Then, thanks to some friends who were over last night I don't have to remove the pictures from my walls...they took care of that. Of course it took me a bit of time to find where they hid them all, but once I did I carefully wrapped them in newspaper and placed them in a box.
So, that's that. My life in boxes. It's amazing how much we accumulate, but also how much of what is in that stuff that speaks to the life we've lived. Looking at pictures and things that I have collected over the years truly does testify to how blessed I am. The faces of my friends and family, scenery from all over the world in those pictures remind me that I have lived an incredible life thus far. I have a lot to be thankful for. I cannot wait for the next chapter to begin so that one day as I am packing up to come back home I can once again be reminded of how the Lord has blessed me and how much I have really lived.
Of course, I hope and pray that there's not nearly as much to pack then as there is now!
I've been wanting to start the process now because I know that my life's about to get insane in March and then it would all be left till the last minute. So, I started in my "office" area. I packed up my books and some knick knacks. Then, thanks to some friends who were over last night I don't have to remove the pictures from my walls...they took care of that. Of course it took me a bit of time to find where they hid them all, but once I did I carefully wrapped them in newspaper and placed them in a box.
So, that's that. My life in boxes. It's amazing how much we accumulate, but also how much of what is in that stuff that speaks to the life we've lived. Looking at pictures and things that I have collected over the years truly does testify to how blessed I am. The faces of my friends and family, scenery from all over the world in those pictures remind me that I have lived an incredible life thus far. I have a lot to be thankful for. I cannot wait for the next chapter to begin so that one day as I am packing up to come back home I can once again be reminded of how the Lord has blessed me and how much I have really lived.
Of course, I hope and pray that there's not nearly as much to pack then as there is now!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Sisters
I love my sisters. They're two of the most amazing people that I know. They make me laugh like no one else I know!I just got back from Cali for a sisters only weekend. There isn't anyone else on the planet that I can just sit around in pjs with and watch 2 horrible movies in a row with and yet...have the best time!
It has been such a blessing to see how our relationships have changed as we've grown up. When I was younger I didn't really have a really have a relationship with either of them. I always felt like I was in competition with Lindsay and at odds with Megan. Going away to college and then living apart, though, has really changed that. They are two of my best friends and seriously...the most fun. Lindsay is goofy and Megan is quirky. I love them more than anything!
It has been such a blessing to see how our relationships have changed as we've grown up. When I was younger I didn't really have a really have a relationship with either of them. I always felt like I was in competition with Lindsay and at odds with Megan. Going away to college and then living apart, though, has really changed that. They are two of my best friends and seriously...the most fun. Lindsay is goofy and Megan is quirky. I love them more than anything!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Unexpected gifts
I was going to take over for Tom Brokaw when he retired. I was going to be the first female to anchor a national network news program (I had this planned long before Katie Couric ever did). Well, as the saying goes...we plan and God laughs. Rather than going into news I "fell" into higher education. I say that because it was never a career path or field that I thought of...it wasn't on my radar. And yet, after 7 years, I can tell you that this is exactly where I was meant to end up. I was created to live life with students...even when I didn't know what that meant or what that looked like.
I have dedicated my time, energy, emotions, gifts, and talents to pour into students. It is my job, no, it is my privilege to challenge them to be exactly who it is that God has called and created them to be. This means that when they make poor decisions... I call them out in love...when they celebrate...I celebrate...when they cry...I cry...and when they need someone to just be there...I am there. I haven't done this perfectly...I may not have always done it well, but I did it in the way that I knew best, with what God has given me. And, if I may be so bold and toot my own horn, I think that I have made an impact for His Kingdom and His glory in their lives. I have been given the extreme blessing and honor to see lives change. I know this to be true. I know that it is not for nothing.
And yet....I have had to hear that what I do is wrong. That I do it wrong. That next year when I am not here it will be right. What the hell does that mean? And what gives you the right to say what I've done is wrong? You don't have a clue as to what I do or even who I am. Just because you have been here for a couple of months and have seen glimpses does not mean you know me or see what I do. I have been to hell and back personally and have walked there with my students....so do not pretend that you know who I am and what I have accomplished. You can turn this place into whatever you want it to look like...but it will not be life giving because in order for something to be life giving it requires someone to pour into it.....and I don't see that happening.
But then I stop....because I remember the words that a dear friend shared with me. He (someone that I trust, admire, respect, and care for because of who he is and who God has created him to be) reminded me that despite the anger and bitterness I now feel...what I should also feel is gratitude towards this other person because if not for him, I wouldn't be reminded that I need Jesus every day. And it's true. Jesus is what keeps me going...when I think that I can't take any more crap...it's Jesus that pulls me through. He reminds me gently of the students that I have been entrusted with...that I am here for Him and them.
So, thank you. Thank you for making this place that I have loved for so long so miserable and difficult....because I am closer to Jesus for having been here. And that is a gift.
I have dedicated my time, energy, emotions, gifts, and talents to pour into students. It is my job, no, it is my privilege to challenge them to be exactly who it is that God has called and created them to be. This means that when they make poor decisions... I call them out in love...when they celebrate...I celebrate...when they cry...I cry...and when they need someone to just be there...I am there. I haven't done this perfectly...I may not have always done it well, but I did it in the way that I knew best, with what God has given me. And, if I may be so bold and toot my own horn, I think that I have made an impact for His Kingdom and His glory in their lives. I have been given the extreme blessing and honor to see lives change. I know this to be true. I know that it is not for nothing.
And yet....I have had to hear that what I do is wrong. That I do it wrong. That next year when I am not here it will be right. What the hell does that mean? And what gives you the right to say what I've done is wrong? You don't have a clue as to what I do or even who I am. Just because you have been here for a couple of months and have seen glimpses does not mean you know me or see what I do. I have been to hell and back personally and have walked there with my students....so do not pretend that you know who I am and what I have accomplished. You can turn this place into whatever you want it to look like...but it will not be life giving because in order for something to be life giving it requires someone to pour into it.....and I don't see that happening.
But then I stop....because I remember the words that a dear friend shared with me. He (someone that I trust, admire, respect, and care for because of who he is and who God has created him to be) reminded me that despite the anger and bitterness I now feel...what I should also feel is gratitude towards this other person because if not for him, I wouldn't be reminded that I need Jesus every day. And it's true. Jesus is what keeps me going...when I think that I can't take any more crap...it's Jesus that pulls me through. He reminds me gently of the students that I have been entrusted with...that I am here for Him and them.
So, thank you. Thank you for making this place that I have loved for so long so miserable and difficult....because I am closer to Jesus for having been here. And that is a gift.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Time
The time that I have left before I leave is flying past. At this point, a lot of what I find myself doing is for the "last time." A couple of weeks ago I went to Casino Night....for the last time. I went to a friend's party...for the last time. I am doing student leadership interviews...for the last time. A friend is coming to visit...for the last time. I am going to CA for a sister's weekend...for the last time.
Time's slipping by. And for the most part...I am glad. I wish some of it would go faster. I would like my last day of work to hurry up and get here so I wouldn't have to deal with all the crap anymore...but I wish that the days that I have with my students and my friends at work would slow down...the times I have with my friends outside of work....my family...I wish it would all just slow down. I want to savor those moments. Really drink them in and appreciate them.
Certainly, it's not as if any of this stuff isn't ever going to happen again. It will...but not with the same people, not in the same way, and not for a very long time. And I think that's what has me nervous and a little bit sad. I am afraid that when I leave here...I will be forgotten. I will fade from people's thoughts and the time I will have spent here will have been for naught. I am selfish enough to not want this...I want to be missed. And I am afraid that I won't be.
Time's slipping by. And for the most part...I am glad. I wish some of it would go faster. I would like my last day of work to hurry up and get here so I wouldn't have to deal with all the crap anymore...but I wish that the days that I have with my students and my friends at work would slow down...the times I have with my friends outside of work....my family...I wish it would all just slow down. I want to savor those moments. Really drink them in and appreciate them.
Certainly, it's not as if any of this stuff isn't ever going to happen again. It will...but not with the same people, not in the same way, and not for a very long time. And I think that's what has me nervous and a little bit sad. I am afraid that when I leave here...I will be forgotten. I will fade from people's thoughts and the time I will have spent here will have been for naught. I am selfish enough to not want this...I want to be missed. And I am afraid that I won't be.
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