A Sarah kind of day

Sarah McLachlan is probably my favorite musician. I just think she's incredible. And anyone who knows me...knows that she is who I listen to in the midst of any kind of emotional upheaval.

It's been a Sarah day. Hell, it's been a Sarah kind of year. Oh yeah. I feel like as of late I've been riding on this emotional roller coaster. And I want off. I don't like the constant ups and downs, the kind that flip you upside down and turn ya around. I feel like I keep passing some teenage kid who's in charge of stopping the ride, yelling for him to let me off, but he's too busy flirting with some girl in line to notice. At what point does the ride stop? Ok, maybe asking for the ride to stop is too much. How bout just slow down? Let me catch my breath and then speed back up instead of taking off around another corner and down a gigantic hill just after coming down one? Cause I'm getting dizzy and a little bit nauseous.

Work feels like that part of the roller coaster where you're flying around in circles, loop after loop. You're spiraling to the top only to never reach it...just going around and around and around. You think that you see an end or at least a respite from the breakneck speed, but it never comes. Rather, you're taking off around a smaller loop and it's worse than the ones before. I am so tired of it. I am so tired of the maintenance worker of that particular ride and the excuses that pour out from him as to why the ride isn't working. Take responsibility for your inability to fix the ride and the reason it's not working in the first place and get on with it. Stop blaming those of us who have either enjoyed the ride up until now or the person who serviced it before you. Seriously. Cut it out and let me off.

And then there's the scenery. It's the same thing that keeps flying past me. From where I'm sitting it's like I see the same images go past me every turn. I am alone on the ride as a single rider, but every where I look there are pairs. And I'm tired of having ride operators look at me funny for requesting a single seat or for feeling like crap because I am a single rider. How is it that I now find myself alone in line and the person who I didn't think would pair up any time soon, and definitely not before me, has found his permanent riding partner? That's not to say that I'm not happy for him or that I wanted to ride with him...I just didn't expect to be the last to be solo. And it's no fun riding solo when everyone else has a partner.

So, you see it's a Sarah day. It's a day where the wisdom that comes from her music helps to calm me down. To get me off the roller coaster and just be. I can find solace in her words, the hypnotic rhythm of the music.

"I love the time and in between the calm inside me in the space where I can breathe I believe there is a distance I have wandered to touch upon the years of reaching out and reaching in holding out holding in I believe this is heaven to no one else but me and I'll defend it as long as I can be left here to linger in silence if I choose to would you try to understand" --Elsewhere

Answer

God is so good!! Did you know that? Cause He is!!!!!

So, as you know, I felt horrible after my chat the other day. I didn't know what to expect when we'd be home together. I only could anticipate the awkwardness...the guilt to be magnafied so much that it would be palpable. How wrong I was! Praise God for that!

We were able to hold a normal conversation the night after for a few minutes and then when I got home last night we hung out for a couple of hours before I went to bed. It was as if the awful chat had never occured. And it was such a relief. But! That's not the best part!

She has an interview in VA with a school that she really wants to work with. How incredible is that?! I am so excited for her...not because this eases my guilt, but because this is what she really wants and I want her to have that. So, please be praying for her. She is supposed to go out on Dec. 8 or so. I will keep you updated.

I know that God is faithful and that He purposed this all for His glory and our good. Sigh...so much better.

Regrets

I am questioning whether or not I did the right thing. There's this empty hole in the pit of me that is growing larger and deeper as I think through what I did last night. Was it the right thing to do? Was it my decision? Was God involved? Am I doing what I need and she needs me to do? Have I acted outside of God's Will?

I was talking to my mom about it on the way in to work and if possible I feel even worse about the situation. When she answered she told me that she was just about to call and leave me a message because she wanted to tell me that she was thinking of me this morning and wanted me to know how much she loves me and how beautiful I am. I needed to hear that from her. So, I told her what had transpired and then just before she hung up she said that she was feeling conflicted because she knows that what I did was right, but that maybe she wasn't being objective...rather just taking my 'side' in the matter. After all, this person has no one. She is practically all alone in this world. And as my mom said, she has no one to call her and tell her how much she is loved and that she's beautiful. And I swear that at that moment a piece of my heart literally broke off.

I know that I take my family and friends for granted. So, when someone points that out with a tangible example of someone who doesn't have that well, ouch.

Please pray. Pray for this woman, pray for me, and pray for the situation. That's all I can do now...

Done...

I did it. Last night I had the chat that I have been putting off for some time with the friend that is staying with me. I was pretty much right....it sucked.

I got home from a night out with some girlfriends and, while it was later than I would have liked, I had decided that it had to be then. So, as I walked in from the garage I repeated my mantra: "You can do this. You are not responsible for her. She's an adult. You're not doing her any favors by letting her stay." So, I prayed one last time for Jesus to give me the words and walked in to the living room. She sort of set the conversation up with a question and I just let it all out.

It certainly didn't go as I'd rehearsed, mostly because I wanted the words out so I rushed them. For those of you who know me and know that I talk fast anyways, well...it was like I was on speed and the words rushed out of my mouth like they were on fire.

Once the words were out there...there was no taking them back. They just hung there like this big, black cloud. Her face went smooth and I could tell that she had shut down. She calmly responded to my words and then as fast as she could, without seeming like she was doing it as fast as she could, she turned, flipped the TV off, shut off the lights, grabbed the dog, and retreated to her bedroom...leaving me alone in the living room feeling like an evil b......I know. It's for the best. And yet, I can't help feeling intensely guilty and wrong. She has no one. And I mean no one. Did I not only just 'kick' her out, but also take away the only support that she has?

I pray that I did the right thing and not something from emotion or frustration. Did I, Lord? Was this Your Will or merely my design?

Mind your own business

What is it with people who think that they can share your business with others? Especially after you've specifically asked them not to!? It's enough that I've had to share some things with people recently that I haven't wanted to, but then to have someone else, someone who has no reason to share my life with others by the by, make that information public is not ok?! Did he even stop to think or remember that I asked him not to? I am not ready for this info to be out there for everyone to know...there are still too many who are too close to me who don't know. AHHHHHHHHHH!! And he wonders why I have issues trusting him...gee, where did that come from? Where would I have ever gotten the impression that he's untrustworthy? Shocking...

I guess what makes me so angry isn't so much the fact that the information was shared...it was that I wasn't the one to share MY private information. It's really only my right to share it with whom I want to and when I want to. There is a steady stream of profanity that wants to escape my lips right now...to bust through this perfectly crafted facade. I want to remain cool, calm, and collected, but dammit...he's making it oh so hard! All I can say is I am pissed....

No favors

For the past 5 months I have been letting a friend of sorts stay with me since she was out of a job. I feel really badly for her because she hasn't been able to find anything yet and is basically all alone in this world. I've been blessed with more than enough space, so I told her that she could stay with me for a bit. Well, I certainly didn't expect that to lead to 5 months.

I've been meaning to have a conversation with her about moving out because I really want it to happen. I need my space!!!!!! I can't handle her dog and we're just really different. But, everytime I make up my mind to say something...I get sidetracked. Either something happens in her life that would make that conversation even worse or something happens in my life that prevents me from being home to have that discussion. I don't know, though, if it's so much that I am just chickening out or if I should just let her stay. Ughh!!! I hate this. I don't want to have to be the one to "kick" her out. I feel so guilty, but I know that there's no reason for me to feel guilty. I've done nothing, but offer her grace, compassion, and hospitality.

So, here's what I need: PRAYER. If you think of it please pray: 1) She gets a job, 2) I stop enabling her and give her a deadline, 3) God would open the door to that conversation.

Lord, help me.

Sharing is caring...

It's been a rough night. It had the potential to be good and I suppose that in some ways it was, but it has left my head throbbing and my heart broken a bit.

I took my leadership team to dinner tonight. I try to get together with them as a group for some fun once a month and we haven't done this in awhile. We went to Fuddruckers and were talking about some things that were going on in the office when our names were called to signal our waiting food. So, we got up from the table and went to claim our meals. I told my student who knows that I am moving to Italy that I was so close to telling them about my plans for next year and she told me I should. So, with hands shaking and butterflies the size of dragons in my stomach I sat back down at the table. I said "Let's finish our conversation and then I have some news..." They must have known that it wasn't going to be good because of the looks on their faces. So, I put it out there: This is my last year at Canyon. I am moving to Italy in August.

It hurts to remember their faces. One started crying, another looked away to avoid my eyes, the one who knew looked down so that they wouldn't see that she knew, and the last one shut down. The questions came out in a flood and I tried to answer as many as I could, but what hurt was when many of them said that they didn't want to be in leadership next year if I wasn't there. While I admit that I was selfishly glad that this was the case, I knew and know that this is not what's best for them. It shouldn't matter who leads them if God has called them to be leaders themselves. I can't begin to imagine someone taking my place, once again...selfish, but I know that my girls (as I affectionately call them) need to be in leadership. They have so much to offer our school and the students. It would be wrong to withhold that. And I do honestly hate that I won't be there to get to watch what the Lord has for them in the coming two years. I hate that I won't get to be around to hear them burst through the front lobby door and make their way to my office. I hate that I won't get to hear "Kristen Snyder! Kristen Snyder!" on a daily basis. I hate that I won't be there for them when they're hurting or for when they celebrate. But I also know that the Lord has plans for my life outside of Canyon and so that must mean that He has plans for their time there. Right?

I have always said that I just want to make a difference in the lives of students, to make an impact. I know that I have because I see it in them. What's astonishing as well, though, is to see the impact that they and all those who have come before them have made on my life. I have been irreversibly changed for having been allowed to flit into their lives for a blip in light of eternity. The journey has been short, but man! it has been sweet....

Perspective

I guess all it takes is a good night's sleep to gain a little perspective...and a call from mom. I was reminded this morning that no matter who sits in the White House the One who sits on the throne is the One really in control. And so I am taking the posture that I trust God. No matter how the election went...no matter how disappointed and sad I am for our nation...God is still in control and there is no way to ever change that. And so, I commit today to pray for our new president and our nation. May we know the redemptive and redeeming power of Christ.

Feeling discouraged? See Psalm 37....it's amazing...just as Our God is!

Sigh....

I've always considered myself educated when it comes to the world of politics. I'm not claiming to be some sort of political science genius...just informed. So, this election has been something of a thorn in my side when I see my generation and the generation below me turning out in droves to elect a man that they know nothing about. They know that he's charasmatic. They know that he wants to change this country. That's all. They know nothing else. They know nothing about his policies. About his associations. About his record. About his socialist leanings. They have no clue and yet!!! they have elected him president. God help us and thank you Lord that I will be in another country for three of his four years in office. I am sad to be an American tonight and scared for our country. Then again, this may be what we deserve after turning our backs on the Lord for so long....

2 years.5 days.

I realized today that it's been 2 years and 5 days since I went into treatment for my eating disorder. Where did that time go?

My realization has forced me to look back over these last two years and honestly evaluate where I am at. Have I changed? Am I moving forward? What's not going well? What is? When was my last behavior? Honestly, the answers that I came up with have actually shocked me.

Yes, I have changed. While my physical body is beginning to catch up with where my brain is, I have changed remarkably from the inside out. I am no longer who I was when I checked myself in 2 years ago. I don't have the same relationship with my parents, my friends, the Lord, with food, or with myself. They are all better for having taken the road that I traveled. That's not to say that it happened over night...Lord knows that it was through constant struggle, prayer, and His strength pulling me through. And, by the grace of God it has all gotten better.

My parents and I have started a real relationship. I actually tell them the truth about how I am feeling. Gasp! The truth! Gasp! A feeling! I actually feel and tell the truth about these feelings...who would have thunk it?

My friends have supported me tremendously and God has used me in their lives as they've dealt with their own junk. Wow...we don't travel this road alone?

I have begun to trust God with what He says about me and His love for me. I still don't understand and I often struggle with truly knowing and believing it to the core of my existence, but the point is that I am aware of it now...that I am dealing with Him about it and not pretending that I am the good little Christian girl everyone thought I was. I am real.

Food. This has been by far the biggest change. I am no longer plagued by the guilt that came with my eating disorder. I can look at food just as it is....as food...sustenence...fuel...a gift of God. It no longer holds the power it once did. It's not good. It's not bad. It's just food. I can enjoy a candy bar as much as I enjoy a great apple. There's nothing better about the apple...it's all fuel. I can have food left on my plate and be ok with it. I can eat lunch and a snack even knowing that I am going to have something like pizza for dinner. It's not the same for me anymore. Food is no longer personified. It's just nutrients wrapped up in different packaging.

It's been 8-9 months since my last behavior and that is a miracle. Yes, there are days when the battle is harder than others. When a co-worker comments about so much sugar in the office...when their own stuff comes up and without thinking about it they make comments that pierce my heart and trigger that part within me that is still there...just more neutralized. Yes, I struggle. But, by the grace of God, I can leave it where it is and just be free to be me. To not be consumed with thoughts of food, how I'm going to hide it, binge, get rid of it. No, that ghost has left. What remains is hope. And after all...isn't that what matters most?

My music...explained.

Ok, so I've been playing with my playlist and I need to explain.

For the past two weeks all I've been 'able' to listen to is Matt Wertz. He's amazing. I can't even begin to describe how his music speaks to me and stirs my heart...so instead...I've put my top 3 on my playlist.

Then, there's Addison Road. Their music has convicted me in the midst of all that I've been struggling with in the past 3 weeks. I am reminded through their words that it doesn't matter what I look like, what I wish I looked like, what I could look like...all that matters is that I am loved more deeply than I could ever imagine by Jesus.

And finally, Hands to Heaven by Breathe. This is a song that I used to listen to (on tape I must add) over and over and over again after we moved to AZ in 1989. I don't know why...in that moment it spoke to me. I was thinking about it earlier and decided to look for it and there it was.

So, there you have it...these are the songs I have playing in the soundtrack of my life right now. Enjoy!

Not sure...

So, I have no clue what I should be writing about right now. I just feel the urge to write...and when that happens. Well, it's best if I just go with it. ;)

I have been wanting to write a novel for the longest time. It's just that there's nothing "there" right now. I can't seem to formulate any ideas...any creativity. I just wish that I could break through this seeming fog and write. It's as if there's this heavy curtain over the stage of my mind and I know that if I was just able to pull it back and amazing story would unfold before my eyes and I would be compelled to write. Uhhhhhhhh.....I hate writer's block!

I keep thinking to myself that once I am in Italy the stories will begin to pour from my brain. That the rich, luxorious history will only help me to create unforgettable characters. It's like they dance around the outskirts of my brain...flitting in for amoment and then back out...only to drive me mad. Hmmmm...suppose I can wait a little while longer. I know that there's a story inside me waiting to get out...guess it'll just be better than what it would have been now if I could write it. :)

So little time...

So, returning to work hasn’t/wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. Thank God! I was dreading the after-vacation-depression that usually sets in when I return to the office after any sort of absence. This time, strangely enough, nothing! Perhaps it’s because I know that the end is near….in fact…it’s only 6 months away! WOW. 6 months and I get to leave a place I’ve been trying to get away from for 6 years.

This leaves me with a lot of excitement and surprisingly, some apprehension. As I think of the end drawing closer and my leaving imminent, I am struck by feelings of homesickness. I know that once I am gone I will be homesick for the people here that I have grown to love.

I will miss the one person that I have journeyed the longest with here (well, one of them at least). I know that even if I didn’t leave this year he would be. So, that goodbye was inevitable. Still, I have thoroughly enjoyed working with him and count him among some of my closest friends and confidants. He knows me better than many of my other friends do. I will miss those that I watched transition from student leader to colleague. Watching them grow in the last year has been so exciting and rewarding. I am anxious to see how God continues to use them. I will deeply miss my students. They are the reason, outside of God’s will for me to be here of course, that I get up in the morning and come to this place. The imprint they have left on my life is indelible. There is one student in particular that I hate to leave. There is something intrinsic within her that actually reminds me of myself. We really are nothing alike and yet there is this one thing that I cannot put my finger on that reminds me of me. I try not to have favorites…it’s like a parent choosing one child over another...but without a doubt, she is my favorite. To think of my not being here for her last two years hurts my heart.

And yet, I am anxious to meet the person that I am going to be when all is said and done. I know that I will not be the same person that I am today in one, two, and three years. I have no doubt that the Lord is going to use this experience to radically alter who I am in Him, as a friend, sister, daughter, employee, and person. It reminds me of when I went skydiving.

I sat on the edge of the plane terrified to jump because of the unknown and yet knowing that once I did it would be exhilarating. I would be different for having jumped.

Who will I be? What will I look like? Will I recognize myself? Will I be recognizable to those I leave behind at home? In many ways…I hope not.

His Answer

So, I went to bed last night with my iPod on. I was listening to Adam Watts and this is what I heard:

I could fall apart
Before I start
In the grip of doubt
I need You, Lord
Will You carry me
Take hold of me
When I can't see
An open door
In the dark Your light illuminates love
And Your grace is right beside me

I will not fear
'cause I know You're here
And I pray You'll cover me with Your love
And show me You're enough
I will not fear
'cause I feel You here
Lord, will You come
and turn what was fear into love

Will You lead my life and dry my eyes
When the pain inside's a lonely war
Can my worry be a memory
That fades away more and more
In the dark
Your light illuminates love
And Your grace is right beside me

I will not fear
'cause I know You're here
And I pray You'll cover me with Your love
And show me You're enough
I will not fear
'cause I feel You here
Lord, will You come and turn what was fear into love

In the dark Your light illuminates love
And Your grace is right beside me
I will not fear
'cause I know You're here
And I pray You'll cover me with Your love
And show me You're enough
I will not fear
'cause I feel You here
Lord, will You come and turn what was fear into love
Into love...Into love...Into love...Into love...

It hit my heart like a bolt of lightening and I began to feel a spark of something in the midst of nothing. To say that I am feeling better about where I find myself isn´t true...but I am on the mend. I know in my head that I am where He wants me...that He is in control...but it´s hard to listen and recognize reality when my heart feels like it´s being ripped apart.

Heartache

So, I am in Italy right now. Yep, that´s right...I said Italy. I have been here since Monday for work. It´s been great. So, why then am I blogging_ you ask?

Well, see it all started when one of my students insisted that I read her favorite book (and latest obsession I might add) Twilight. I admit that I made fun of her for her love of it, but bought it anyways intending to read it on the plane and throughout my time in Rome. Well, I got sucked in and read the entire thing in 4-5 hours. I am hooked. The characters and the story that takes place between Edward and Bella has sucked me in. So much so that while I was in Rome the other day I saw an English bookstore and bought the rest of the series! I spent more than I would have, of course, than if I would have just waited the 10 days to get home...but no. When I want something, I want it now. I have completed 3 of the 4 enormous books...and am half way through the 4th. It was not a good idea....not at all.

My heart is being constantly ripped open and ripped apart. The story brings so much up in my own life and my own desire for a man to love me as Edward does Bella that it crushes my heart and I lose my breath. I just want that....and I want it now. I am tired of waiting and feeling alone and like a freak. What the hell is wrong with me?

Then, I was on myspace looking someone up from another program when I got the urge to look an old friend up. I have looked him up on myspace many times and he´s never been there. He and I ¨dated¨ from the 2nd to the 5th grade...then reconnected in college. He has always been in the back of my mind as the...what if guy. I have never stopped thinking of him. So, I looked him up fully not expecting to find him...and what do you know. There he was. In his tux. Next to his bride. Even as I write tears are forming in my eyes and my heart feels like a boulder in my chest. It´s stupid of me to feel this way about someone that I haven´t actually seen in almost 20 years...but that´s not the point. He was the what if guy....maybe the guy God had for me and now that´s gone. I am so tired of everyone telling me that God has a plan and that He has the perfect person for me. Well, if He does why is it taking so long? Why can´t He just clue me in so that I don´t have to go through everyday feeling like there´s this huge gaping hole in the middle of my being...like I don´t relate to anyone else around me....my own family...my friends. No one.

I don´t understand.

Catching my breath...

Whew! It has been a flurry of activity since I got back from my interview and I am just now trying to catch my breath.

My student leaders returned on August 16. We left for retreat on August 18. We returned on August 20. Started training on August 21. CAT members returned August 23. Trained until August 26. Students returned August 27...and that's where the real marathon began.

August 27:

8am: Arrive at work (it's a miracle, but this is the latest I've gotten to work on move-in day in 3 years)
9am: Start Enrollment reception
10am: Somehow get move-in started despite 4 MIA departments.
10:30am: Divert crisis
11:00am: Calm student down
11:10am: Drink of water
11:15am: Hide under my desk
11:30am: Reemerge
12:00pm: Convice boss that everything's going smoothly...despite that look on her face.
12:20pm: Convince her again that I do in fact know what I am doing
12:30pm: Sit for 5 minutes
12:35pm: Divert crisis #2
1:00pm: Eat something
And so it goes on like this until.....5:00pm. At that time I begin to prep for Speed Friending and Progressive Dessert
Arrive home: 10:45pm

August 28:
8am: Phone interview w/ Geneva President
8:30am: Arrive at work
8:45am: Blowing up balloons for Convocation
9:00am: Walk balloons over
9:30am: Tie up balloons
9:45am: Call students in a panic: Where are they?!
9:50am: Sigh with relief...here they come
10:00am: Convocation starts
12:00am: Convocation ends...ok...it wasn't quite that long...it just felt like that!
11:30am: Annoyed that faculty and staff are eating before students and parents. Oh, what? A mass email went out to all and invited them? Nice....
12:00pm: Prep for sessions
12:15: Come up with what I am supposed to talk about
12:30: Deal with housing crisis
12:35: Eat something


And so....my last 5 days have gone something like the above...constant movement and catching up. I didn't get home until 1:25am on Friday morning!!! Then, I awoke on Saturday with an awful cold! Is it any wonder?!

When all was said and done, though, it did turn out rather well. We had a great turnout and students seemed to have had fun.

All I can say is....I'm glad it's OVER!!!!

John Mayer...yum

I went to the John Mayer concert last night. All I can say is...wow. That man has talent.
Colbie Calliat opened for him and she was fantastic. If you have only heard her "Bubbly" song...you're missing out. You must listen to the entire CD. It's amazing!
Finally, John stepped on stage and be still my heart! How is it that so much wisdom, feeling, sensuality, and creativity can exist in one person? Let alone a man! And yet...it does! His music is just so beautiful and real.
I wasn't sure what to expect from him since I'd heard that he isn't all that good live. Well, let me tell you that whomever said that was clearly in the wrong place or on crack. He puts on an amazing show from the way he sings to impromptu jam sessions with his band to great humor.
It was an awesome show and if I'm being honest...he's not all that bad to look at either!

Downfall of society (quite literally)

I was so pumped for this past weekend. Lots of great plans!

My roommate and I were going to see The Dark Knight on Saturday and then my best friend and I were going to go to the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale...for me, this is like Christmas come early!, and then see Mama Mia and grab dinner. It was supposed to be our last hurrah before she gives birth to her first....so I was really looking forward to it.

The weekend was off to a good start. A friend had flown in from TX for a wedding so we hung out on Friday night. Roomie and I went to the movies on Saturday. Well, almost. She parked the car while I saved seats. The theatre was packed! The only seats left were in the front section. As I looked around I spied some better seats in the top portion of the theatre. So, I left my bag on our seats and was going to go ask if the other seats were free. Suddenly time began to crawl as if someone had hit "Slow Motion." I stepped onto the carpet, or so I thought, only to miss a step I hadn't realized was there. My foot came down onto the floor and my ears were filled with a sickening "CRUNCH" as I felt my ankle give out below me. I fell to the ground with a great thud and landed hard. The wind was knocked out of me for a moment and I just laid there, partly out of shock and partly from embarrassment. Oh my gosh! I just fell in front of the entire theatre and then...pain. It seared from the tip of my toes to the top of my head. My foot felt like it had been crushed...remember the scene in Misery? (Ok, that's fairly dramatic...but I've never handled pain all that well.)

I sat up and looked around. People were staring at me. And yet, no one asked me if I was ok or needed help. NO ONE. This woman just sat there and stared at me. I was clearly in pain and she sat there looking and eating her popcorn. Then, a theatre employee walked in, looked at me, turned around, and left! He never even asked me if I was ok! I managed to pull myself up into my seat and held in the tears...if there's anything I am really good at it's holding in the tears and stuffing my emotions!

What's wrong with people!? How can they just ignore someone who has obviously been injured? I know if I were in their shoes (or seats actually) I would have been prompted to act. Is it just that I was raised better than they were? Did my parents do a better job? I don't necessarily think so. I think that slowly, but surely our society has become numb to actual human interaction. Think about it....we live in an age where the means for which we can communicate are limitless and yet...we don't have any real contact. It's no longer good enough to talk to a person on our phones...we text. We no longer get together with our friends...we 'hook' up with them on myspace or Facebook. We no longer write...we email. We're so segregated from all real human interaction that when we need people the most they don't know how to engage. We are killing our culture! It scares me to think about our nation's future. Will we all end up staying in our homes and working from a computer so that we can avoid all types of interpersonal contact? If so, how do we survive? How do we thrive?

The answer is: we don't. We were created for relationship. First, relationship with God our Father thru Jesus Christ. Secondly, with humankind. We weren't meant to walk this life alone. We were created to interact, communicate, and help others. It just seems to me that we're ignoring or losing this crucial part of what makes us human. Nearly every species on earth was created for community....it's interesting to me that humans look for ways to create better avenues of communication/community, but what ends up happening is isolation.

So, if you were sitting in the Metro mall Harkins theatre on Saturday, July 19 for the 3:00pm showing of The Dark Knight, saw me fall and failed to have the human decency to ask me how I was: SHAME ON YOU. I hope and pray that you never have to experience the hurt that comes with the realization that no one cares to reach out and engage. Shame on you and shame on me if I have ever made anyone feel like this...God forgive me.

I Just Got a Facial

My blog just got a facial by The Blog Spa! Yours can too! Check out www.theblogspa.blogspot.com for more information.

Thank God for Jazzercise!

Seriously, I thank Him for it! Not only is it a great work out and so much fun...it's a great stress reliever! Last night not only did we dance, but also did some kick boxing. Love it! It helps to get all of my aggression and pent up anger out in a healthy way. Hey. Would you rather I go around hitting people?!

Also...hello! So excited! They have Jazzercise in Italy! So, if I move to Rome...I can still Jazzercise. How cool is that?

I signed up for Italian class last night...so be prepared for some posts this Fall in Italiano! Fantastico!

Unto God...not man

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men" Colossians 3:23

This should be the verse that I repeat to myself every day; over and over again in my head this verse should tumble around. Then, when I feel the frustration rising up within me; the anger and the annoyance start to bubble over I will think upon this verse of Scripture and remember that it is God I work for...no one else. When I am asked to do the same thing over and over, I will remember that it is God I work for...no one else. When I am told things that don't make sense, I will remember that it is God I work for...no one else. And finally, when I feel as though I can't go on, that I've reached the end of my rope, that the straw has broken this camel's back...I will remember that I work for the Lord....and no one else.

May He be my refuge, my Strength, my Rock, my Comforter and my Deliverer. May I work to glorify the King and not for my own glory or of men. Then, His peace will guide me in my days when I keep focused on Him and not the quicksand that I have been resting on.

Thanks Lees for this reminder. May it not depart my head or heart. To God be the glory!

Fantastico!

God is so good!! Just when I wanted to give up hope of ever hearing anything about Rome I received an email from the Director of the program. I was immeadiately convinced that I didn't get an interview since I received the email. You don't want the email...it's never good. You want the phone call asking you for the interview. I began to read and as I did my heart fell. The first paragraph thanked me for applying and my patience. The second paragraph began with this has been a difficult decision...and then the words I've been dying to hear (or in this case read): "The committee was impressed with your experience and application materials and would liketo interview you by phone on July 31 sometime between the hours of 10a.m. and 5 p.m." YAY!!!!!! I screamed at the top of my lungs and began to jump up and down. I got an interview! Out of 33 applicants I was selected (with 6 other people) for an interview! Praise God!



I was really scared that I wouldn't get an interview and that would lead me to what I feared the most...that I would lose hope and trust in God. I say this not from an intellectual place because I know with my head that He never leaves me, never forsakes me, and that His plans for my life are far better than anything I could ever imagine. Rather, I say this from my heart. So often I have seen or experienced a taste of what I think is best for me only to have it be taken away or not fulfilled and I am sad to say that with every time that happens I close myself off a little more. I've learned so much in the last two years about living life in the open, trusting God with my heart and who He has made me to be that I don't want to go back to not allowing God and people to see my heart. So, thank you Jesus for this opportunity. Let me glorfiy You and abide in whatever it is that is Your best for me...

Slap happy

Ok. Calm down. Think. Pray. This is what I've been telling myself for the last 45 minutes since I left a meeting with my boss. Breathe. Pray. Calm down. Pray. I am not a violent person, but I've got to tell you I could have been one today. Never before have I wanted to hit someone so hard! I wanted to reach across the desk and smack her. Ahhhhhh!!!!! This is only the beginning!

I have loved my job for the last 3 years. That has changed in only one week! All of the freedom, creativity, and enjoyment that I loved has been sucked from me. Now, I just feel bitter, angry, and annoyed. It's only been a week! I want so much to love her like Jesus loves her, to see her as He does....but the truth is I don't. When I see her, my blood pressure rises. I can feel my pulse race and I want to hit her. What am I becoming?! Who is this person that rages on inside of me? For all that is holy and sacred, help me Lord!

I know it's melodramatic. That in all reality, it's not that bad. It's just that there's no need for all of this. There's no reason it should be like this. We were fine the way we were...we were doing great. There were no issues. So why is it then that there's suddenly all of this upheaval? What's that all about?

I don't know...all I do know is though is Lord, please let me get the job in Rome!!!!!!!!

Change happens

So, I was telling a friend of mine yesterday that I feel like my blog has gotten way too serious. I want some lighthearted moments! But no! Once again....change. I hate change. I can't even begin to describe how much I abhor change. For the most part, change in my life hasn't meant good. It's almost always meant heartache, sadness, and lonliness. So, if that's the case why would I ever look forward to change?? I know some people who thrive on change...what in the world is wrong with them? Change sucks!
I think that for the most part what's hard for me right now is how much and how fast change is coming in my life. I can handle a little at a time, but when I feel like it's all happening at break-neck speed...well, I can't handle that! It's too much too soon. I want stability, I want continuity, I want dependability.
I guess that's one of those things that makes me long for heaven. I can't wait for time with Jesus that will never end, there will be no sadness, there will be no "restructures." Rather, we'll be at peace, have never ending joy, and dance on streets of gold. Sigh. That sounds amazing. Oh....come soon Lord Jesus, come soon!

Ouch...right between the eyes

I was reading a devotional online this morning about integrity and character. I consider myself to be someone with integrity and character. I want to do the right thing; be a peson above reproach. And then, I got to the last paragraph of the devotional:
"Our integrity is often tested through our finances. How we handle our money is a true sign of our character and it seems that Christians are under the spotlight more than others. By paying for the land, Abraham was not under obligation to the landowners. When in debt, we are obligated to the lenders. When in debt, it is hard to make wise choices because our need for money can overshadow the right decision. Pray about your finances and ask the Lord to guide you in all decisions regarding money, even in issues of debt. Integrity and character are far more valuable in comparison."
Oohhhh....that one hurts. I am not living with integrity with regards to my finances. I am in debt and yet, I continue to spend money! My eyes are dazzled by bright and shiny new things...things that really don't matter. How many pairs of shoes do I really need? Do I really have to have a piece of jewelry to match every outfit? Hmmmm...I am tempted to say lots and yes, but I know in my heart that that's not true and that I am not honoring God in my choices. I don't want to be in debt. It makes me sick....thinking about all that I owe and what I could do with my life if I wasn't paying for the mistakes of my past. I suppose, though, if I were to really live a life affected by Christ and His Spirit I must leave the old behind and put on the new. (and I'm not talking about a new pair of BCBG pumps!) Ok....so, this is my public declaration...I am going to give up shopping and get out of debt! I have to! I want to move to Italy and I can't very well do that with debt hanging over my head.

So, Lord please forgive me for my sin...and give me the strength to choose that which is right and pleasing in your eyes and not my flesh!

Deja Vu...

So, four years ago I lost my job because it was "eliminated." Fine...whatever. I can deal with that. In all honesty, I learned more about God's strength and power after that than ever before. I learned more about myself at that time than ever before. It was hard and it sucked, but at the same time it was something of a blessing.

And now, it's happening again. I returned to the company that I'd been let go from 3 years ago. Today two of my co-workers were "restructured" and I have a feeling more is to come. It's just weird to be in this place again. I want to be ok with it, to acccept what the Lord has for me in this. But, my humanity is crying out to be spared because how will I live? How will I pay my bills??? All of the stuff that the Lord came thru with before. Wouldn't He do that again? I mean come on! How many times do we have to love thru all of this before we get it thru our heads! God is a God of mercy, grace, and love...He cares for those who serve Him. He cares enough for the sparrows of the air and the lilies of the field...how much more will He care for me?!

I want to abandon myself to Him, to live like nothing/no one can touch me because of who I am in Christ. Let this be my prayer....and if I do not get to stay here this year...then bring that as well!

Italia

I first discovered Italy when I was 16 years old. I immeadiately fell in love wih the culture, people, and landscape. Life seemed so much simpler. Time slipped by lazily rather than in a blur as it does in the States. Life was to be experienced, tasted, savored. It was as if the Italians knew the secret that the rest of the world wanted to know, but didn't know how to slow down long enough to find it. They understand what it is to live. They work to live, not live to work; they eat to live; not live to eat; they value family, rest, and simplicity. I left that summer feeling full, content almost.
I didn't return until I was 30. I thought for sure that what I had experienced was teenage idealism. How wrong I was! My love affair with Italy was reawakened and was more intense than before. My heart feeels alive within its landscape and people. It's beat slows and takes its time. It finds its rhythm. My senses are awakened there. My eyes are overwhelmed by the beauty, color, history, and richness. My ears love the melody of the Italian language. It is such a lovely and warm song that floats around you. My skin loves the feel of the strong earth upon my hands, the warm sun upon my face. My nose is delighted by the aromas. Sweet, savory, salty air that smells at once inviting. It's almost like being enveloped in the strong embrace of an old friend.
Since my return to the States I have felt a yearning to go back; haunted by the memories that seem so far away. I crave to be there. I have to be there. I can't explain it. It feels like home.
I have been praying and asking the Lord to allow me to return. I had decided, God willing of course, that I would return two years from the last time I was there. That would put me back in Italy in 2009. Imagine my great suprise and delight when the perfect job opportunity opened up in Rome. It starts in 2009. As I write this I am putting the finishing touches on my application. Oh how I want this! I haven't let my heart desire something in so long. It's a strange and wonderful feeling. Terrifying at the same time as well. I want this. I have to get this. I wonder, though, what if this isn't what the Lord wants for me? Will I still be content with His plan? Will I be ok knowing that there was a possibility of my greatest dream coming true? Or, when all is said and done I will trust in the plan the real Dreamer has for me?

How this all started....

I was in the car on the way to work yesterday and I heard this song called Fine by Jaymes Reunion. I immediately fell in love...it describes my life. Once I figure out how to put music on this thing...I will. Until then, here are the lyrics:

Jaymes Reunion - Fine from the album Everything You’ve Been Looking For

Hello my friend, can you teach me how to breathe again,
can you teach me how to love, can you give me a life?
The problem begins, when I add it up and count again,
I’m losing every fight, and I need some answers
maybe its alright, and I’m gonna land it

Chorus:You’ve never really loved, until you’ve watched it fall apart
You’ve never really lived, until you felt like you could die
You've never really stood, until the weight has pushed you over
You’re picking up the pieces just to find, your doing just fine

I’m scared to death, that I’ll never find the me that’s best
Every story’s been told, I feel like a loser
All these wounds are getting old, so I’m gonnna land it

Chorus

Oh, I’m spinning out of control, looking up as I fall,
The colors they blur around me Oh, I’ve cut up my heart again,
this freedom is nothing but sin
I know you know me better, so make it better
I’ve never really loved, until I watched it fall apart
And I never really lived, until I saw that I was dead
And I never really stood, until the weight had pushed me over
I'm picking up the pieces just to find, everythings fine

Ta da!

I have been wanting...and talking about...starting a blog for mmm...forever now. I am a writer at heart, but haven't had the heart to write in I don't know how long. So, I've decided to start here. Write what you know...that's what I've been told at least.

So why the title? I have been through alot in the last couple of years. It's been a hard road...one fraught with major pitfalls, but also with many moutaintops. So, right now....everything's fine. I am learning that God has in the moments that we're in for a reason. I don't have to have everything figure out...everything mapped out...everything set and squared away. All I need to know is that He has me where He wants me, or at least moving towards that, and that in that I am loved, blessed, secure, and fine....

So, hold on...this may be a bumpy ride!