Common ground

I had dinner with one of the RDs the other night and I was so blessed. It wasn't just because I was getting some much needed girl time, but it was more than that. I know that the Lord put me on her floor for a reason. She understands something about me that most people can't...my singleness.

Most of my friends and family can relate to a certain point. They can tell me that they know what it is/was like to be single so they know where I'm coming from, but having been single for a short time in your teens or early 20s is where the similarities end. Yes, they have at one point been single, but I am chronically single. What does it mean to be chronically single? It means that after 32 years I haven't had a boyfriend, haven't had a first kiss, and haven't even ever been asked out on a date. Ok, I joke that I had my first kiss in preschool and my last relationship was with Ben Garthwaite in the 5th grade, I joke that I peaked in the 5th grade and, while that's all true, I don't actually count that as having experienced what my friends and family have. My friends, family, and many acquaintances, mean well when they tell me they know what's it like, but the truth is they don't have a freaking clue. There's something so utterly different from on one hand having been single, but having had dated and on the other hand having never dated, never having anyone show any interest in you in that way. They are in no way the same. And no amount of attempting to empathize will ever allow anyone to know what it feels like unless they themselves have been there....enter Sarah, the RD.

She is in her late 20s and has her first boyfriend. She'd never dated or even come close before him. Another chronic singleton. God brought us together because there's something comforting in knowing that you're not alone, that there are other people out there who know what you're feeling and aren't just trying to imagine that they do, but really do. It was so freeing being able to talk to her and not have to explain...she just gets it. She knows what it is to be content with being single because for whatever reason this is what God has for the moment, but she also knows what it is to feel like there's an aching hole inside of you the size of the Grand Canyon because everyone around you seems to be experiencing something you cannot relate to, but want to with your whole being.

I go through these highs and lows when it comes to being single, acceptance and hating it. It seems that being alone here in Beaver Falls has intensified that hating it phase. I suppose it hasn't helped that I keep hearing things like "I can't wait to hear about how you met your husband in Italy" or "Wait till you meet your Italian Stallion" or "I know you're going to meet the 'One' in Italy." I know that everyone means well, but truth be told it is the opposite of helpful. I had the chance to talk to Sarah about this the other night and was blessed by our conversation. Because she's coming from common ground, a shared perspective, she knows what it is that I need to hear now and how to minister to me. She was able to share with me how God used similar experiences in her life. I am able to accept this from her because she truly does know what it's like. It's a gift to be able to share this with her. I am grateful that I have had the opportunity to meet her, to hear her story, and to be able to watch what God has for her. I am thankful for her and for the gift that God has given me in our time together. He has an uncanny way of knowing exactly what He's doing....LOL.

Everywhere

It seems to me that ever since going to treatment for my eating disorder my eyes have been opened to the bondage that so many are in with regards to food, dieting, compulsive exercising, etc. I mean I know before I went in that I was aware of it, but now it's almost like I am hyperaware and sometimes it becomes downright overwhelming.

It saddens me so much when I see friends or people that I know caught up in it all. It frustrates me when they and others seem to be obsessed when there's more to life. And it angers me that I get hooked by all of their junk. When they make comments or other stuff I feel my own shame welling up. It's as if by what they say about themselves or food/body image/dieting in general turns a spotlight on me and all of my stuff is exposed.

I know this isn't true. I have dealt with my stuff and they will have to deal with theirs, but I just wish that I didn't have to battle with something quite so widespread because it's hard to find some peace when it seems as if the whole world is forcing you to look at it all of the time.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. Bottom line: I'm tired of fighting an uphill battle when it seems as if everywhere I turn someone is throwing it back in my face.

Enough already

I am the type of person who when I see something that I want, or think that I want it, I can't get it out of my head no matter how much I try to talk myself out of it. It happens in almost every facet of my life. When I see a pair of shoes I want, but know that I really can't afford them or I don't need them...well, I obsesss over them for days later until I either cave in and buy them or just drive myself nuts. I really have never been good at waiting. That whole delayed gratification thing is lost on me.

There's something that I want right now and I can't have it and it's seriously putting me over the edge of sanity. I'm finding it hard to focus and get past it and it's really pissing me off. If I were braver or able to be a little more vulnerable, I would post what it is that's driving me nuts. But as it is, it's way too embarrassing. If this stupidity doesn't end soon, I'm either going to scream or flat out crack. Either way, Lord, please, please, please let me have some peace!!! :)

Writing

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, thanks in part to my sister who has let me read and download the books she's bought on ebooks.com. So, I've been reading a lot and all of that reading has gotten my creative juices flowing.

Instead of reading on Tuesday night I began to write. It has been so long since I've had an original idea or had any real direction when it comes to my writing, but once I put my hands to the keyboard they took off. A story is developing and I have no idea where it's going, but it feels great. It feels natural. 

I have been wanting to write for so long, but not having anything to say has made that hard. I just hope this is the beginning and the story that I know is buried deep finds its way to the surface.

Overwhelmed

First, God is so good. Second, I am loved.

Taylor called me yesterday and asked if he and Joanna could stop by and drop something off for me to use for my time here in Beaver Falls. Well, I wasn't able to meet up with them yesterday because I actually had plans with someone other than them (gasp!). So, he just said he'd call me on Saturday.

As I was making my grilled cheese this morning my phone rang and Taylor asked if they could stop by. I told him that was fine and they were over here in 10 minutes. Joanna and Taylor walked through my door with big grins. "So, we have something for you. Your freedom," he said. He had a bit of an impish look in his eye as he opened his hand and revealed car keys. Their car. They were lending me their second car for the summer. To use whenever I want, whenever I needed it. 

I was overwhelmed by their generosity and friendship. They have blessed me so much since I have been here and this was just over the top. Of course, I tried to refuse it, but they wouldn't listen to me. So, I have a car. I have some freedom...oh the endless possibilities. 

My first stop: Starbucks. I'm dying for a Toffee Nut Latte!!

Oh the little things...

As I've said, I've been in Beaver Falls, PA for a little over 2 weeks now. Actually, it will be three weeks tomorrow. Wow, where did those three weeks go. Anyway. That's not the point...moving on.

So, yes. Three weeks. I don't have a TV because I think that it's silly for me to pay for cable for 2 months, so I've pretty much had to rely on my computer and the six or so books that I brought to entertain me. Well, until a friend who was visiting gave me her username and password for a temporary wireless network I didn't have internet. That may not sound like a big deal, but when you're far from home, know no one, and live in a town where you can see all it has to offer by walking a block...well, let's just say that the internet becomes very important. Necessary to survival really. (Alright, that may be a bit melodramatic, but you get my point.)

My friend, Taylor, had been helping me to get my internet set up, but nothing was working. And then we had a breakthrough. It was as if God parted the heavens and LAAAAAAA (insert heavenly music here) I had internet. (I hope that wasn't sacreligious. I just mean it's a tremendous blessing to have it after not)

So, I am wired and ready to go. It's been great. They say it's the little things in life that matter...and in this case I have to agree. :)

Adventure

I've been in Beaver Falls a little over 2 weeks now and with no car and really nothing to do around here other than walking to the coffee shop, Pizza Joes, or Sub Palace...well, it can start to feel a little claustrophobic. 

I really wanted to go to the Paramore concert (ok, really the No Doubt concert with Paramore opening for them) in Phoenix before I got here, but sister was graduating from grad school in Cali so did that instead. But! Not to worry because I was excited to find out that they would be in Pitt on the 13th of June. I asked my friend, Amber, to go with and at first she thought she could, but then it turned out that her sister's baby shower was that same day and so she couldn't go. So, I was left with a quandary...stay home and miss it or suck it up and go by myself. I chose to suck it up and go.

I planned to make a whole day of it. I was going to rent a car and go to the mall (I've been having serious Nordstrom withdrawals. :) ) and then I would go to the concert. Well, my friends, Taylor and Joanna (who have been gifts from God since my arrival. Really, I praise God for them), insisted on lending me their car for the day. So, I headed out at 12 and went to the mall for several hours and then on to the concert. The feeling of getting in that car and driving away was indescribable. Freedom!

When I told people that I was going to the concert they inevitably asked who I was going with and when I told them I was going by myself the reactions varied between surprised and impressed. Most of what I heard was a variation of "wow, that's really brave of you" and I thought to myself "it's just a concert, not a big deal." And yet, when I was sitting there by myself I realized that it was a big deal and I was 100% out of my comfort zone. Most people look at me and assume that I am outgoing and engaging by nature, but this really isn't the case. If I am in my "territory" or in an environment that I am comfortable in, then yes, I am outgoing and engaging. When I am out of those places, then I become quiet and withdrawn...but no one believes me when I tell them this! So, there I was last night feeling so self-conscience and awkward. It was so uncomfortable and I hated it....until a friend texted me and I finally understood. I will never see any of those people again and so why does it matter what I look like to them? So, I got up. I danced. I sang. And I had a great time. Paramore was amazing, but No Doubt was phenomenal. I saw them 14 years ago for the first time and had forgotten that they really do put on the best concert. 

I am so glad that I went and did that. It pushed me outside of myself. And I realize that that's what this year is going to be like in Rome. I will constantly be pushing myself out of my comfort zone otherwise I can plan on spending time by myself in my tiny room. And that's just not ok with me. I don't want to waste my time or my life living like that. This world was meant to be seen and experienced. Life's too short for the alternative....

Answered prayer

Does God ever catch you by surprise? I don't know why after walking with Him for 11 years I can be caught off guard by His care, His love. Isn't that who He is and so wouldn't that be natural for Him? And yet...sometimes...sigh....

My dear friend, Melissa, called me tonight just to say hi and see how things were going. We talked for a while and then she prayed for me and I prayed for her. And it was just sweet. We had a prayer journal that we kept several years back and in it she had asked the Lord to bring her a true friend and I remember a while back her saying that I was an answer to that prayer. What she didn't realize was that she too was God's answer to me. I remember before she came to work at Canyon I asked the Lord for a friend who would challenge me in Him and who I was. And that's Mel. That's who she is. And because of that I am blessed.

I needed to talk to her tonight, but more importantly I needed someone who would intercede for me before the throne. Jesus knew exactly what I needed and once again, Melissa was my answer. She was how He cared for me. How He showed His love for me.

So, my dear friend...as we said we're walking similar roads right now and while they are hard...there's great comfort in knowing that we're not alone, that God has blessed us with one another. Praise Him!

Raw

The dam finally broke and I was hit hard with a tidal wave of homesickness that crashed over me on Monday night. The force and suddenness of it was overwhelming and somewhat shocking. It came on slowly, gradually. Starting with feelings of restlessness, it built into agitation, until finally waves of loneliness, grief, sorrow, loss, and sadness swept over me again and again. I knew that it was only a matter of time that I experienced these feelings and, as I posted earlier, I was surprised that it took so long to get here. Of course, I have to admit that I probably hadn’t given myself permission to experience it and had numbed out with old behaviors. But. Knowing what I do and having been through what I’ve been through, I also know that feelings do not stay buried for very long. They will eventually bubble to the surface and will typically burst forth with greater force and power than they would have if you’d just allowed them to happen naturally. And that’s what happened on Monday as I found myself having difficulty breathing as a result of a lot of crying.

It would be sad and downright depressing if that’s where I stopped, where I let my story end, if that’s all I had to say. Thankfully, though, it's not.

While Monday night was painful and uncomfortable, it wasn’t unwelcome. While it has left me raw and feeling as though I could cry at the drop of a hat, it was good. By no means am I a masochist, quite the opposite really. Rather, what I have experienced has allowed me to really feel and express the emotions that I know I buried deep. I was able to process through those thoughts and things that I have been avoiding, face the changes in my relationships that moving necessitated, and really just allow myself to acknowledge that my life is now different…a little unknown…a little unsure…and a little scary. And that’s ok. I’m ok.

I spent some time looking over what I have posted the last couple of months and I was embarrassed to see how often this theme or other themes that I perceive to be “downers” surface. I don’t want to be Debbie Downer. I’d much rather be Pollyanna. And so I felt a little guilty subjecting the blog universe to what I think is incessant complaining, whining, and bitching. But then I stopped myself. That’s not true. My life has just been a little rough these last couple of months and I’ve experienced and been through some junk. And I know I’m not alone. I know that there are a lot of people out there who are hurting and so I hope that through my vulnerability they won’t feel alone, feel shame in what it is that they’re going through or feeling.

Like I said earlier, if this is where I ended that would be sad. Well, maybe not sad, but unresolved, unsettled somehow. Rather, here’s where this ends: it ends with me feeling raw, but at the same time feeling the arms of my Savior firmly around me. It ends with me knowing that there are many days ahead like this, but I know that I do not go alone. Jesus goes with me. That’s the beauty of going through times of uncertainty, unfamiliarity, and inadequacy because it’s in those moments that you really can experience Jesus as Comforter, Rock, and Refuge. And that’s a sweet and safe place to be.

Needful Hands

For those under the clouds
Staring up in awesome wonder
As tears come slowly down
I'm reaching up a needful hand

[Chorus:]

You are my eyes when I cannot see
You are my voice, see, sing through me
You are my strength in weakness be

To find that I could fall
And still your grace surrounds, pursuing
To freely stumble down
I feel your hands around my heart

[Chorus]

You are my strength, my voice, my eyes
I lift up needful hands
You are my strength, my voice, my eyes
I lift up needful hands

Homesickness

I have been in PA for a little over a week. It seems like time has both flown and crawled by. I'm feeling a little off in that I expected this to be a hard week, one full of tears and calls home because I was lonely, missed my family and friends...homesick. This hasn't been the way at all. That's not to say that I haven't been lonely, because I have; haven't missed friends and family, because I have; haven't been homesick, because I have. Rather, I haven't cried, haven't called home upset. Nothing. And in all honesty, this concerns me. I have, however, noticed other behaviors. Ones that I haven't seen in almost a year and a half and so it took me some time to recognize what they were. 

I wish instead that there were overwhelming feelings...any feelings. Instead, it's just like there's this numbness...nothing. And I don't want to go back to not having emotions or feelings. I want to be able to feel stuff, experience sadness, pain, sorrow, joy, excitement. 

I know that I need to reach out. I need to call my dietician in particular and tell her what's going on. But I haven't. Please pray that I do before this little bump in the road becomes a giant hole that swallows me whole.