Light at the end of the tunnel....

At this very moment there are only 6 days...19 hours....and 12 minutes until I can regain some of my sanity and only 9 days...20 hours....and 11 minutes until my feet leave Italian soil on their way for home. I can do this. I can make it thru this.

The Lord has been so faithful in His care for me and my heart in the form of sending my family here to visit at exactly the right time...Scripture that's perfect for the moment...friends online to pray with me...and so much more.

Separation anxiety

Do you ever just ask the Lord why it is that you have to learn so many different lessons at one time? That you need a break? And His answer is: I will do what I need to do to form you more into who I've created you to be. I will not give you more than you can handle. Ouch. Right between the eyes.

I feel like I constantly live in a classroom and the Lord is my instructor. He is constantly editing my work and suggesting how I should rephrase, reframe how I see things, how I live, who I am. Ultimately, I know this is for my good and His glory, but more often than not this is a painful process...as I have said over and over again in this blog. Here we are again!

Once again, I find that I am struggling with where God has me, where He's called me because I feel like a constant failure at what I am doing. I feel like I am constantly treading water. And then He corrects me and reminds me that I am not working for man, for myself, but Him. And I cannot gauge how I am doing or how I am performing by their and my imperfect ruler. Rather, I am to look to my Heavenly Father for approval and for how I feel about how I am doing, who I am. I cannot expect the opinions of others about me to validate me as a person or to negate who I am. I cannot allow the changing opinions of people here to define and determine how I carry myself, how I see myself, how I love or hate myself, how I succeed or how I fail. The only opinion that matters, that will ever matter, is Jesus'. Period. End of story.

Easier said than done. And I struggle, as a people pleaser, to accept and live out this truth. I so desperately want to find approval in what others around me think of me or how I am performing at my job and that's killing me. I cannot and should not derive my worth from their fallible opinions. Just Jesus. He's the only benchmark.

I find myself beseeching the Lord for His guidance and asking Him to remove that part of me that seeks the approval of man. He is using whatever means necessary to root this out in me...and it hurts at times, but I find comfort in His word, in His people, and in His truth sung thru the lyrics in JJ Heller's new CD, Painted Red. Oh how He has ministered to my heart thru her music. Check it out if you haven't and remember...the opinion of man will always fail you...God never will.

Growing pains

When I left Arizona I left behind an incredible support system of friends and family. I left behind a group of people who love me and support me. A group of people who always offered me wisdom, advice, and listening ears. What I didn't realize, though, is that it's quite possible that I turned these people into idols in my life. They took God's place in my life as my all in all, my comfort, my joy, my peace, and my sounding board. Because of who He is, God will not allow anyone or anything to usurp His rightful place as Lord of our lives and often times will allow trials and tribulations to bring us back to Him...to loosen the grip of idolatry in our lives. Drastic as it may seem and as painful as it may be, He will allow what is necessary to draw us back to Him.

This is where I find myself. The last 6 weeks have been immensely hard and incredibly painful. They have been weeks that I can only describe as a barren wasteland. How can this be when I am living in Italy? Well, let me tell you how this can be...it can be this way when you are stripped of all that if familiar, comfortable. It can be this way when that support system is no longer right there or easily accessible. It can be this way when you're in a position that makes you feel like you're constantly treading water and unable to catch your breath. It can be this way when you walked away from a daily dependence on God only to find yourself utterly alone and not knowing where to turn or what to do. This is where I am.

I have cried out to the Lord, especially this week, and have sought His face. I still don't understand fully why I have had to go thru all that I have had to endure, but I do believe it is because I put Him 2nd...or further down...in my life. I made those around me my god. And our God is a jealous God. So now I find myself bearing the consequences of my sin. And that place is not pleasant. It has left me broken and bleeding. My heart feels as if it has been ripped apart and left trampled upon.

I know that I am where I am because of choices that I made and sin that I committed. Still, I see the Lord working in the midst of this as my heart begins to turn back towards Him. His loving hands are molding my heart into a heart solely after His. I know that this is just the beginning and it is conceivable that there will continue to be hard days and pain, but I also know that He is faithful and that He will never leave me nor forsake me.

So, if you find yourself in a place such as this I suggest that you fall before the Lord and ask Him for eyes to see where you have turned your heart from Him and let Him restore you. It won't be easy and it won't be pain-free, but it will be worth it. Also, check out JJ Heller's new album, Painted Red, because so much of what she sings about speaks to this place I am in and it has been such a blessing, especially the song Your Hands.

Conflicting information

Anyone who has known me for any period of time knows that for most of my life I was able to turn my emotions off almost completely. I hid behind my eating disorder and used food to cope with what was going on in my life. Rarely did I feel anything. I was numb for too many years.

Then, after I went thru treatment and learned that feelings weren't bad things I began to slowly feel again. I experienced things like sadness and hurt and found that I could live thru them. It's been a hard process and I'm not always able to express or feel things, but I'm a work in progress.

Moving across the world has brought with it a real emotional awakening. I have cried more since my arrival then I have in probably my entire life. Truly. I have shared this with people back home who know me and know what I've been thru and they have told me that they think this may be God's way of opening up my heart more...of allowing me to feel and express emotion more. And to a certain extent, I agree. I do think that this is something He is doing in my life.

And then I am told by someone today that I am too emotional. That I need to not be so transparent with my emotions. I am here, as he put it, for students to look up to and take cues from. Huh. I don't quite know what to do with that. On the one hand I'm told that it's ok for me to have emotions and to express them, but on the other I feel like I'm being punished for that. I don't know how to reconcile the two.

Am I supposed to act as if everything is right with the world when it may not be? Is that how I am supposed to be a professional?

I'm just at a loss as to what I'm supposed to do with this information...

3 years

It was three years ago that I entered treatment for my eating disorder. I just finished reading my post from last October about it being 2 years. Again, where did that year go? Where did those three years go??

It's been a great year and so much has happened. So much has happened that three years ago would have caused me to use my eating disorder to cope, but I haven't, I didn't. Instead, I've used the skills that I learned and I reached out to those in my life God has blessed me with...my family, friends, and amazing dietician.

I thought that moving to Italy, and all the stress that brings with it, would cause me to stumble, but instead it has helped me to see how far I've come and all that I have within me (gifts from God) to cope in a healthful way.

Thank you Jesus for these last three years! Looking forward to year 4!

Dreams and reality

It's funny what happens when your dreams come true. Suddenly the place you find yourself in isn't quite what you thought it would be and you find yourself asking the questions "what was I thinking?" or "I thought that this is where I was supposed to be and if so, why is it so hard?"

I had the dream of living in Italy stored up in my heart for 16 years and here I am asking myself these questions. I was so certain that this is where God called me and yet it's been by far the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life and there doesn't seem to be any reprieve. Everyday brings new and more difficult challenges that I just take a step back and handle only to have something else come over. How much can one person truly handle? What was God thinking when He gave me my hearts desire? What was He thinking that I am capable of? How come I don't trust that I can do this or have any confidence in the fact that I know I am supposed to be here? When will it start feeling normal and like a real job and my life instead of an uphill battle?

Even still, I have to remember that which I have been blessed with. This is what gets me through, remembering what God has given me and all that He provides. I am thankful for the Bible study that I am a part of on Mondays and for the women that God is brining into my life through it. I am thankful for Lynda's presence here. I am thankful for students and getting to do life with them. I am thankful for the Sisters who offer me encouragement and who pray for me. I am thankful for my family and friends at home who lift me up in prayer daily. I am thankful that my friends and family have the means to visit me. I am thankful that I have a job right now. I am thankful that I have a place to live, food to eat, and basic necessities. I am thankful that God's grace is sufficient for me and His power is perfected in my weakness. I am trusting in that big time right now...that His power is perfected in my weakness because I am so weak right now.

God's making diamonds

Diamonds. For the most part they are associated with engagements, weddings, anniversaries and pleads for forgiveness. Marilyn Monroe proclaimed that diamonds are a "girl's best friend" in Gentleman Prefer Blondes, De Beers claims that a "diamond is forever." Take your pick. The world has a lot to say about this precious gem, but do you know how these stones are formed? Do you know the process a diamond goes thru before it finds its way into a blue Tiffany box?

Diamonds are formed at high-pressure, high-temperature conditions within the Earth's mantle, about 100 miles below the Earth's surface. It is not known how long it takes a diamond to form exactly, but Cate Lineberry with the Smithsonian magazine writes that "diamonds may start to grow and then there may be an interruption for some reason – a change in conditions, temperature, pressure, source of carbon, whatever—and they could sit for millions, hundreds of million of years, and then start growing again." Interesting. So, what we see in the stores, on a finger may have gone through a harder process to make it to those places than merely being unearthed. They had to go through a process that continuously applied pressure, heat to them, and what results from this is often times a breathtaking gemstone...a precious commodity.

Isn't this how life, our growth in Christ often goes? It's through times of great pressure, heat and a period of constant change or interruption that we find we have been transformed the most? Don't we too continue to grow? Isn't it when we feel as though we are getting it from all angles, above, below, side-to-side, that we begin to see our bare minerals being transformed into a precious commodity? Notice, too, that Lineberry doesn't say that after all of this pressure, all of this heat that the diamond is now worthless, useless...rather, it becomes a beautiful, coveted, and sought after jewel.

I am in the process of being made into a diamond right now...or at least that's how it seems. Pressure and heat from all sides are crushing me...refining me....hopefully making me into a better version of the raw materials Jesus gave me and is now re-shaping. I know that this time of refinement is for my benefit and to God's glory, but that doesn't have to mean that I like it all of the time. It hurts. It's painful. It's lonely and causes me to weep. It has also caused me to cry out to Jesus in the midst of the incredible pressure. I know that our Lord is faithful, He is just, and He will never leave me nor forsake me. He is always with me and seeks to only give me what is good for me. So, I have to ultimately trust that He knows better than I. That He knows what I can and cannot bear. That He knows what is best for me. That He knows that at the end of this I, like a diamond, will refract light...but it will be the Light of life, the Light of man, the Light that casts out all darkness. And so I will go thru this. I will survive...because it will bring glory to His name.

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

I want to go home

That's right. I want to go home. I want my mommy. I want my own bed. I want my own food. I want my own language for cryin' out loud!

Today has been a pretty crappy day and quite honestly the thought of just packing up and heading home is ridiculously tempting to say the least. There's just a lot going on and I'm overwhelmed by the enormity of it. It didn't help that some things were said and requested in our community meeting this morning that triggered my eating disorder as well. Mind you I didn't do anything...didn't binge or anything like that, but the urge was debilitating in some ways.

I know that this is where I am to be. I know that God has a purpose in my being here. But right now it's just hard to see that and to trust that when everything just comes crashing over me.

I can't say that my entire day sucked. There were some bright points. First, I received a wonderful, and much needed, card of encouragement from a student. Second, I went to my first Bible study class and was encouraged. And third, I talked to my mom and that always makes things all better.

I know that this is a season and it will pass. It just sucks having to go thru it and feel so alone here in it. Please pray for me in this and that the Lord would in deed be my rock and my comforter.

Can someone just give me a break?

So, things haven't been going as smoothly as I would have wanted them to here in Rome. There have been some major hold-ups and it's creating some issues.

First, it was decided that rather than opening a joint bank account in the States with my boss so that he could easily deposit money and I could withdraw, I would open an account here. Well, that process was started 3 weeks ago and we're no further. I have been using my corporate credit card to survive. When it was just myself and Lynda that was fine, but now that students are here it's just created a lot of issues. I need money to give to them to buy food. I need money to do things with them. And the natives are getting restless.

Second, the cell company we were gonna use was a bust. What we were told and what was true were not the same things. And so we are now without means to communicate with our students and vice versa. The other issue with this is that we were going to use the cell phones to communicate when students were at the gate and needed to be let in. Now, we have to set certain times when they can come and go..again, the natives are getting restless.

There are 2 students who have just been complaining about these issues...and they've only been here 3 days. I feel as if I have failed in some way and I am beyond frustrated. I think that the expectations that they have aren't real. They're ridiculous and I am sick of hearing about it...and they've only been here 3 days.

I understand their frustration...but at the same time they need to calm the heck down. They need to remember that I have completely uprooted my entire life for 3 YEARS....not 3 months. I am trying to navigate my way thru a culture that is unfamiliar to me as well. This is not the US. Things are different here and trust me, this country takes its time getting things done. They have no idea what it's like to feel completely alone and just want someone to know you...but they don't because you can't even speak their language. They have no idea what it's like to want to be with your family and friends...and not be able to for quite a while. They have no idea how hard it's been to try to get things done and be completely unsuccessful. They have no idea what it's like to work in the place that you live...to never have a break..a place for just me...without anyone else...without someone wanting something or wanting to complain about something.

I just want to not feel stressed, tense, and like I'm failing everyone all of the time. I don't think that's too much to ask. Just some grace. That's all I want.

Perspective

I've had several "aha" moments this week when it finally has hit me that I am in Rome. I don't think that I'll ever get over the fact that I am living in Italy...and hope that I don't lose the wonder because if I ever get to the point where I say "Ugh. The colosseum again?" we're in trouble.

Technology has been great because I've been able to talk to people and stay in touch...but it's also made me a bit homesick. For the first time since I've arrived I miss home...I miss the people...I miss not being a part of things there because I get to see pictures or hear stories about the things that I am not involved in. Don't get me wrong...I'd rather have it this way than when I was here in high school and it was a treat just being able to talk to my parents once a week for 5 minutes, but still...

Everything's fine

Left the U.S. yesterday for Rome. The flight was good and I am almost all settled into my room. I am feeling good and excited about what's looming ahead of me.

I know that culture shock/homesickness lurk below the surface and will eventually spill out, but for now I am relishing in the excitement of the moment and enjoying being here. For now, everything's fine.

A year can change everything

It was one year ago today that I arrived on campus for my interview. It's been a hell of a year...

A year ago I was excited because my student leaders were returning to campus.

A year ago I was frustrated by the administration change that caused our department to move under someone who wanted WOW rather than relationship.

A year ago I was concerned about the change in my direct supervisor.

A year ago I was working with people that I trusted, admired, and looked forward to seeing everyday.

A year ago I had a roommate who wasn't exactly a roommate, but lived at my house nonetheless.

A year ago I was getting ready to begin a year that would end up being both incredibly hard and wonderful all at the same time.

A year ago I wasn't sure where God was taking me.

A year ago I was living in Arizona and while I desperately wanted/needed a change I wasn't sure that I had it in me to take that step.

A year later and here I am. Five days from now I leave for Rome. And I have to wonder what I will find when in a year from now I reflect back on what's transpired. What will have happened? Who will I have become? How will God have used me? Who will I meet? So many unanswered questions loom before me as I face something that a year ago was only a hope....now it's a reality. My how things can change in a year...

Hospitality

A friend of mine recently shared a great truth with me. She said that the mark of true hospitality is not only being able to be hospitable, but also being able to receive it. Hmmmm...

I consider myself a hospitable person. I love opening my home to friends and acquaintances, celebrating others, welcoming people, and genuinely showing care for those around me. As Monica once said on Friends: I am always the hostess. I once took one of those spiritual gifts inventories and lo and behold discovered that I have the "gift" of hospitality. So, all this to say that I've always considered myself as someone who does hospitality well....until Amber shared the above mentioned with me.

I have a hard time accepting help and offers of help from people. It makes me uncomfortable and I don't quite know what to do with it. I'd much rather be overwhelmed and overburdened with all that I have to do rather than asking for help or accepting what has been offered to me. I don't know why this is, but it is what it is all the same.

I remember the first ornament exchange I hosted. I went all out. I did all of the food myself and even made cut-out ornament-shaped cookies, frosted them, put my friends names on them and hung them from some branches in the centerpiece I'd made. It took me 3 years before I let people bring something to share to the party...and every year it was hard for me to be ok with that. This summer has been extremely challenging for me in this respect. I have had to allow others to take care of me and offer me what they could. My friends Taylor and Joanna have been unendingly generous and it embarrasses me to admit that while I greatly appreciate their overwhelming generosity it has been hard for me to accept it. Certainly I am grateful and have tried not to let them see that I struggle with this (or at least I hope I have been!!!!). It's not about that. I want to be able to receive what I am being given, but I have the sense that I am too much and a burden...which my brain then responds with: if you were, then they shouldn't have offered in the first place and that's their problem and not yours. UGH!

What is it within me that struggles against accepting that which others offer me and yet I can offer it to those around me naturally? Anyone else ever feel like this?

Visits from home

I got to show my mom the sights this past weekend and we ended up having a fabulous time.

When my mom first told me that she was going to be coming out for a visit I had no idea what we were going to do. I knew that it didn't have to be anything spectacular because really the whole point of the visit was to spend time together, but I didn't want to just not do anything. So, we ended up exploring Pittsburgh, watching movies with traditional Snyder junk food, going to a movie, talking, laughing and just enjoying being with one another. Without a doubt it was one of the best visits with my mom and I just loved being with her. She is an incredible woman who has impacted my life greatly. She is warm, caring, thoughtful, generous, gracious, encouraging, funny, and my best friend. She challenges me in my walk with Christ and who I am in Him. I love her! Of course, I cried after I dropped her off at the airport and my little apartment is quieter w/out her around...but not for too long because my friend Melissa is coming for a visit this weekend. Hooray!!

God has just richly blessed me by allowing me to spend my last couple of weeks with people I love and who love me back. I can't think of a better way to leave than this....of course it would have been perfect if my dad and sisters could have made a trip out here, but suppose I'll just have to settle for when they come to Rome at some point....not too shabby!!!

Tidal wave

I've been doing really well with the whole homesick thing and living away from home, but every once in a while it hits and I just feel really lonesome for my friends and family....for people who know me and know my story...for community. A friend from home emailed me today in response to something I'd sent her and it was just so sweet that I was just overwhelmed with a longing for home. I know that there are many days before me when these feelings will hit and I will deal with them as they come. I just emailed her back and told her that while I am thankful for these last 2 months here and where they're leading, I have some anxiety at the same time about Italy....not about whether or not I should be going because I know without a doubt that this is what God has for me...but rather about finding community there because regardless of what these past 2 months have been they have been really lonely. And anyone who knows me knows that I am by nature an extrovert...I find life in being around people....so not having had that these past 2 months after having been blessed so richly with that these last several years has been difficult. I know without any doubt that God has called me to where I am going. So, if that's the case then wouldn't that stand to reason that He has also prepared that place for me?

I hope that you have had the opportunity to know what it is to be a member of true community...a place where it's safe to be you and to be loved for that. It's an incredibly freeing and safe place to be. If you don't know what that's like...I pray that you seek it out. Relationship is, after all, what we were created for in the first place.

Wisconsin: more than just cheese

I got back late last night from a too-short vacation to Wisconsin. As always, I had such a good time. It was so great to see my two favorite people ever, my grandparents. I just love being with them! Even though it was such a short we packed a lot in. We got to Lake Geneva for an afternoon, dinner in Burlington with the Sullivans and Uncle Joe, brunch at the Holman's, dinner by the lake, a day in Chicago with Kim and the kiddos, drank whiskey sours, lunch at Kewpees with Lilly, and some shopping in Racine. There was also a lot of time to spend quality time with my grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. I love my family and have so much fun with them.

I am so thankful for the time I got to spend with my family before I leave for Italy. And it's not over! My mom's coming to Beaver Falls for a visit next weekend. Yippee!!

So, all in all I had a wonderful weekend in WI. It's my favorite place to be because it feels like home. And yes, for those who have asked me a hundred times, I did have cheese...

Airport

I am once again sitting the airport waiting to board another flight. This time I am headed to Wisconsin for one last visit to my grandparents' before I leave for Rome. I cannot wait to get to WI and be with two of my most favorite people in the whole world. It was really important for me to be able to get to Racine before I left because I love being with my grandparents and because in all reality every time I see them now may be for the last time. Certainly everyday could be the last day we see anyone , but considering my grandpa's health as of late it just seems to be more of a possibility with them. And when that day comes when I won't be able to see them it will be devastating for me, but I will be grateful for this weekend and the time we had together. My grandparents are by far the most amazing people....giving, caring, loving, and dear. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if I could put them in a jar and watch them...I would!

Once month from tomorrow I will find myself sitting in this airport yet again waiting for the flight of my life....the one to Rome. I am so eager for the 17th of August to get here that I can barely stand it. I am just ready to get there and get moving with my life. Oh the anticipation....

Research help

I've decided to go ahead and start to at least do some research on being single and what that means in the church especially. I need help. I am interested in knowing how your church handles singles. So, if you're interested in helping me out would you answer the following questions:

1) What church do you attend? Where is it located?

2) Does it have a singles ministry?

3) What is the purpose of the ministry?

4) Do you know people who participate in the ministry? What are their feelings towards it?

5) What do you see the purpose of singles ministries being?

6) If you're no longer single, how do you see yourself engaging in the spiritual development of your single friends? Or do you not see yourself as participating in their spiritual development?

Thanks!

Community

I'm reading a really good, thought-provoking book right now called Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity by Lauren F. Winner. With a title like that how can it not be good!? :)

What I am finding, however, is how much the author's arguments extend beyond sex and chastity. So much of what she has to say is about community. I found the following really interesting and it just made me sit back and think: "the Bible tells us to intrude---or rather, the Bible tells us that talking to one another about what is really going on in or lives is in fact not an intrusion at all, because what's going on in my life is already your concern; by dint of the baptism that made me your sister, my joys are your joys and my crises are your crises. We are called to speak lovingly, to be sure, and with edifying, rather than gossipy or hurtful, goals. But we are called nonetheless to transform seemingly private matters into communal matters. Of course, premarital sexual behavior is just one of many instances of this larger point. Christians need to speak courageously and transparently, for example, about the seemingly private matters of Christian marriage---there would be, I suspect, a lot fewer divorces in the church if married Christians exposed their domestic lives, their fights and tensions and squabbles, to loving wisdom, advice and sometimes rebuke from their community. Christians might claim less credit-card debt if small-group members shared their bank account statements with one another..."

For me, this rings true. Community is so very important and we were created for it. Community doesn't just mean celebrating with one another when there's a reason to celebrate, it also requires that we speak into the lives of those we are in community with and be transparent for one another. If you've ever been a part of a community that's like this you know what I'm talking about...there's something so freeing and affirming when you can be just who you are and be loved in spite of all the junk that's below the surface.

Tuesday

Today has been a weird day. It's been a day of sadness and one of anticipation. It has been a strange melding of both good and bad.

I attended the memorial service for my friend's son this morning. It was heartbreaking. The church was packed with people who loved him and loves his family. Stories were shared about his life and what became evident to me was that he was someone that I would have really liked to have known. On the way back to my office I told the coworker I went with that I wish I'd known him. I think he and I would have hit it off and could have been friends. He seemed loving, spontaneous, thoughtful, and brave. Despite what depression robbed him of, he seemed to have lived a full life, one surrounded by family and friends. My heart breaks at what is a colossal waste. This was a young man who served our country, loved his family, and followed after Christ.

I hate depression and what it steals from people, what it stole from me. It is straight from the pit of hell and could only be a scheme of our enemy. I cannot wait for the day when the Lord Jesus Christ banishes him and all of his evil doings into the fire for all eternity.

And then there's the good part of my day. I spoke with my same coworker about my idea to write a book on being single. She herself is 50 and never married. She was very enthusiastic about my idea and gave me some suggestions on research materials and other single people to talk to. I am so encouraged by our talk and have begun the process of writing and researching. I am eager to see where this all leads...

And so this has been my day, one that has been marred by grief at the passing of someone who fell prey to the depravity of depression and yet one that has brought the promise of a new venture. God's hand has been clearly visible to me today in both situations. It's truly a sacred moment when God meets you in the midst of tragedy and when He invites you into what He is doing.

Idea

A friend of mine just emailed me and asked me to recommend a Bible study for her to do with a girl that she's mentoring at church who is single and desires a husband. As I thought about it I couldn't come up with one decent study or one decent book, for that matter, on the subject. What's up with that? There are so many books and studies dedicated to marriage, but what about being single? Nope....nothing. So, that got me thinking. What if I wrote something about being single? Heck, if anyone knows anything about being single it's me. I'm practically an expert on the subject.

So, I'm going to think and pray about it. If you, my loyal 2 or 3 readers, think about it would you pray as well? Maybe this is where how my writing is supposed to be serve others....

Missed opportunity

How many times do we miss out on something because we give in to fear? We give in to that voice that tells us that we will be rejected, we can't do it, we.....whatever it may say it ends up scaring us out of risking, putting ourselves out there. And what? So we kept ourselves "safe" for a time, but we also kept ourselves from something that could have been to our benefit, could have been wonderful.

How do you put yourself out there despite the fear that you're going to fail/face rejection/etc? A former student told me recently that she's put her fear about embarrassing herself in front of others to the side because after all, she's never going to see "xxxx" again so what's the big deal? Such wise words from someone still so young. If only I could do that. And perhaps my impending adventure will force me to do that...to set aside my fear and just go for it because after all I'll never see "xxxx" again so why fear embarrassment/rejection/or whatever fear is holding me back?


I just missed out on something that may or may not have been anything...but I'll never know because I didn't just go for it. I'm kicking myself now and wish that I had been a bit bolder, braver. I'll never know what might have been. I suppose, though, that if I've really learned my lesson, if I've matured, I will take what I have learned (disappointment, frustration with myself) and not repeat the same mistake in the future. I just hope when this or a similar situation presents itself I will remember this moment of annoyance and won't experience a moment of amnesia instead....sigh.

Life interrupted

I was looking forward to today. My boss and his family were taking me into downtown Pit to go to the strip district, an area of town that has lots of farmer's and international markets. It was going to be a good day. And in some ways it was, but in another way it wasn't....not at all.

On the way into the city my boss shared some very sad news. The son of a colleague of ours killed himself on Wed. His family didn't find out until yesterday after his mom couldn't get a hold of him. He was manic depressive and suffered from PTSD. He'd been struggling a lot the last couple of months to the point where his mom had to leave suddenly 2 weeks ago to be with him. I cannot even imagine the pain she and her family are feeling right now.

My heart is breaking for her and his brothers. I do not know what to do, what to offer them. It's at times like this when words just won't do and really there's nothing that can be done to ease the pain. I suppose, and hope, that the old adage that time heals all wounds holds true though the pain will never fully be erased.

I know that many people out there cannot fathom what would cause a person to take their own life, especially when they have family that love them. Until one goes through the dark hell that is depression, one can never understand. One cannot understand that somehow the brain twists things around and you actually believe that by taking your own life you are not only doing yourself a favor, but putting your family out of its misery. You actually believe this, or at least that's what I believed when I thought of it. Of course that's not true and what is left behind is worse, but depression blinds the brain to the rational and only offers a lie instead. I am so thankful today that I didn't put my family through that.

I am praying for my friend and her family. I do not know how the Lord will come through in this, their darkest moment, but trust that because He is good and He is love that He will. If you think of it, please pray for this family. More than ever they need it and need Jesus.

Common ground

I had dinner with one of the RDs the other night and I was so blessed. It wasn't just because I was getting some much needed girl time, but it was more than that. I know that the Lord put me on her floor for a reason. She understands something about me that most people can't...my singleness.

Most of my friends and family can relate to a certain point. They can tell me that they know what it is/was like to be single so they know where I'm coming from, but having been single for a short time in your teens or early 20s is where the similarities end. Yes, they have at one point been single, but I am chronically single. What does it mean to be chronically single? It means that after 32 years I haven't had a boyfriend, haven't had a first kiss, and haven't even ever been asked out on a date. Ok, I joke that I had my first kiss in preschool and my last relationship was with Ben Garthwaite in the 5th grade, I joke that I peaked in the 5th grade and, while that's all true, I don't actually count that as having experienced what my friends and family have. My friends, family, and many acquaintances, mean well when they tell me they know what's it like, but the truth is they don't have a freaking clue. There's something so utterly different from on one hand having been single, but having had dated and on the other hand having never dated, never having anyone show any interest in you in that way. They are in no way the same. And no amount of attempting to empathize will ever allow anyone to know what it feels like unless they themselves have been there....enter Sarah, the RD.

She is in her late 20s and has her first boyfriend. She'd never dated or even come close before him. Another chronic singleton. God brought us together because there's something comforting in knowing that you're not alone, that there are other people out there who know what you're feeling and aren't just trying to imagine that they do, but really do. It was so freeing being able to talk to her and not have to explain...she just gets it. She knows what it is to be content with being single because for whatever reason this is what God has for the moment, but she also knows what it is to feel like there's an aching hole inside of you the size of the Grand Canyon because everyone around you seems to be experiencing something you cannot relate to, but want to with your whole being.

I go through these highs and lows when it comes to being single, acceptance and hating it. It seems that being alone here in Beaver Falls has intensified that hating it phase. I suppose it hasn't helped that I keep hearing things like "I can't wait to hear about how you met your husband in Italy" or "Wait till you meet your Italian Stallion" or "I know you're going to meet the 'One' in Italy." I know that everyone means well, but truth be told it is the opposite of helpful. I had the chance to talk to Sarah about this the other night and was blessed by our conversation. Because she's coming from common ground, a shared perspective, she knows what it is that I need to hear now and how to minister to me. She was able to share with me how God used similar experiences in her life. I am able to accept this from her because she truly does know what it's like. It's a gift to be able to share this with her. I am grateful that I have had the opportunity to meet her, to hear her story, and to be able to watch what God has for her. I am thankful for her and for the gift that God has given me in our time together. He has an uncanny way of knowing exactly what He's doing....LOL.

Everywhere

It seems to me that ever since going to treatment for my eating disorder my eyes have been opened to the bondage that so many are in with regards to food, dieting, compulsive exercising, etc. I mean I know before I went in that I was aware of it, but now it's almost like I am hyperaware and sometimes it becomes downright overwhelming.

It saddens me so much when I see friends or people that I know caught up in it all. It frustrates me when they and others seem to be obsessed when there's more to life. And it angers me that I get hooked by all of their junk. When they make comments or other stuff I feel my own shame welling up. It's as if by what they say about themselves or food/body image/dieting in general turns a spotlight on me and all of my stuff is exposed.

I know this isn't true. I have dealt with my stuff and they will have to deal with theirs, but I just wish that I didn't have to battle with something quite so widespread because it's hard to find some peace when it seems as if the whole world is forcing you to look at it all of the time.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. Bottom line: I'm tired of fighting an uphill battle when it seems as if everywhere I turn someone is throwing it back in my face.

Enough already

I am the type of person who when I see something that I want, or think that I want it, I can't get it out of my head no matter how much I try to talk myself out of it. It happens in almost every facet of my life. When I see a pair of shoes I want, but know that I really can't afford them or I don't need them...well, I obsesss over them for days later until I either cave in and buy them or just drive myself nuts. I really have never been good at waiting. That whole delayed gratification thing is lost on me.

There's something that I want right now and I can't have it and it's seriously putting me over the edge of sanity. I'm finding it hard to focus and get past it and it's really pissing me off. If I were braver or able to be a little more vulnerable, I would post what it is that's driving me nuts. But as it is, it's way too embarrassing. If this stupidity doesn't end soon, I'm either going to scream or flat out crack. Either way, Lord, please, please, please let me have some peace!!! :)

Writing

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, thanks in part to my sister who has let me read and download the books she's bought on ebooks.com. So, I've been reading a lot and all of that reading has gotten my creative juices flowing.

Instead of reading on Tuesday night I began to write. It has been so long since I've had an original idea or had any real direction when it comes to my writing, but once I put my hands to the keyboard they took off. A story is developing and I have no idea where it's going, but it feels great. It feels natural. 

I have been wanting to write for so long, but not having anything to say has made that hard. I just hope this is the beginning and the story that I know is buried deep finds its way to the surface.

Overwhelmed

First, God is so good. Second, I am loved.

Taylor called me yesterday and asked if he and Joanna could stop by and drop something off for me to use for my time here in Beaver Falls. Well, I wasn't able to meet up with them yesterday because I actually had plans with someone other than them (gasp!). So, he just said he'd call me on Saturday.

As I was making my grilled cheese this morning my phone rang and Taylor asked if they could stop by. I told him that was fine and they were over here in 10 minutes. Joanna and Taylor walked through my door with big grins. "So, we have something for you. Your freedom," he said. He had a bit of an impish look in his eye as he opened his hand and revealed car keys. Their car. They were lending me their second car for the summer. To use whenever I want, whenever I needed it. 

I was overwhelmed by their generosity and friendship. They have blessed me so much since I have been here and this was just over the top. Of course, I tried to refuse it, but they wouldn't listen to me. So, I have a car. I have some freedom...oh the endless possibilities. 

My first stop: Starbucks. I'm dying for a Toffee Nut Latte!!

Oh the little things...

As I've said, I've been in Beaver Falls, PA for a little over 2 weeks now. Actually, it will be three weeks tomorrow. Wow, where did those three weeks go. Anyway. That's not the point...moving on.

So, yes. Three weeks. I don't have a TV because I think that it's silly for me to pay for cable for 2 months, so I've pretty much had to rely on my computer and the six or so books that I brought to entertain me. Well, until a friend who was visiting gave me her username and password for a temporary wireless network I didn't have internet. That may not sound like a big deal, but when you're far from home, know no one, and live in a town where you can see all it has to offer by walking a block...well, let's just say that the internet becomes very important. Necessary to survival really. (Alright, that may be a bit melodramatic, but you get my point.)

My friend, Taylor, had been helping me to get my internet set up, but nothing was working. And then we had a breakthrough. It was as if God parted the heavens and LAAAAAAA (insert heavenly music here) I had internet. (I hope that wasn't sacreligious. I just mean it's a tremendous blessing to have it after not)

So, I am wired and ready to go. It's been great. They say it's the little things in life that matter...and in this case I have to agree. :)

Adventure

I've been in Beaver Falls a little over 2 weeks now and with no car and really nothing to do around here other than walking to the coffee shop, Pizza Joes, or Sub Palace...well, it can start to feel a little claustrophobic. 

I really wanted to go to the Paramore concert (ok, really the No Doubt concert with Paramore opening for them) in Phoenix before I got here, but sister was graduating from grad school in Cali so did that instead. But! Not to worry because I was excited to find out that they would be in Pitt on the 13th of June. I asked my friend, Amber, to go with and at first she thought she could, but then it turned out that her sister's baby shower was that same day and so she couldn't go. So, I was left with a quandary...stay home and miss it or suck it up and go by myself. I chose to suck it up and go.

I planned to make a whole day of it. I was going to rent a car and go to the mall (I've been having serious Nordstrom withdrawals. :) ) and then I would go to the concert. Well, my friends, Taylor and Joanna (who have been gifts from God since my arrival. Really, I praise God for them), insisted on lending me their car for the day. So, I headed out at 12 and went to the mall for several hours and then on to the concert. The feeling of getting in that car and driving away was indescribable. Freedom!

When I told people that I was going to the concert they inevitably asked who I was going with and when I told them I was going by myself the reactions varied between surprised and impressed. Most of what I heard was a variation of "wow, that's really brave of you" and I thought to myself "it's just a concert, not a big deal." And yet, when I was sitting there by myself I realized that it was a big deal and I was 100% out of my comfort zone. Most people look at me and assume that I am outgoing and engaging by nature, but this really isn't the case. If I am in my "territory" or in an environment that I am comfortable in, then yes, I am outgoing and engaging. When I am out of those places, then I become quiet and withdrawn...but no one believes me when I tell them this! So, there I was last night feeling so self-conscience and awkward. It was so uncomfortable and I hated it....until a friend texted me and I finally understood. I will never see any of those people again and so why does it matter what I look like to them? So, I got up. I danced. I sang. And I had a great time. Paramore was amazing, but No Doubt was phenomenal. I saw them 14 years ago for the first time and had forgotten that they really do put on the best concert. 

I am so glad that I went and did that. It pushed me outside of myself. And I realize that that's what this year is going to be like in Rome. I will constantly be pushing myself out of my comfort zone otherwise I can plan on spending time by myself in my tiny room. And that's just not ok with me. I don't want to waste my time or my life living like that. This world was meant to be seen and experienced. Life's too short for the alternative....

Answered prayer

Does God ever catch you by surprise? I don't know why after walking with Him for 11 years I can be caught off guard by His care, His love. Isn't that who He is and so wouldn't that be natural for Him? And yet...sometimes...sigh....

My dear friend, Melissa, called me tonight just to say hi and see how things were going. We talked for a while and then she prayed for me and I prayed for her. And it was just sweet. We had a prayer journal that we kept several years back and in it she had asked the Lord to bring her a true friend and I remember a while back her saying that I was an answer to that prayer. What she didn't realize was that she too was God's answer to me. I remember before she came to work at Canyon I asked the Lord for a friend who would challenge me in Him and who I was. And that's Mel. That's who she is. And because of that I am blessed.

I needed to talk to her tonight, but more importantly I needed someone who would intercede for me before the throne. Jesus knew exactly what I needed and once again, Melissa was my answer. She was how He cared for me. How He showed His love for me.

So, my dear friend...as we said we're walking similar roads right now and while they are hard...there's great comfort in knowing that we're not alone, that God has blessed us with one another. Praise Him!

Raw

The dam finally broke and I was hit hard with a tidal wave of homesickness that crashed over me on Monday night. The force and suddenness of it was overwhelming and somewhat shocking. It came on slowly, gradually. Starting with feelings of restlessness, it built into agitation, until finally waves of loneliness, grief, sorrow, loss, and sadness swept over me again and again. I knew that it was only a matter of time that I experienced these feelings and, as I posted earlier, I was surprised that it took so long to get here. Of course, I have to admit that I probably hadn’t given myself permission to experience it and had numbed out with old behaviors. But. Knowing what I do and having been through what I’ve been through, I also know that feelings do not stay buried for very long. They will eventually bubble to the surface and will typically burst forth with greater force and power than they would have if you’d just allowed them to happen naturally. And that’s what happened on Monday as I found myself having difficulty breathing as a result of a lot of crying.

It would be sad and downright depressing if that’s where I stopped, where I let my story end, if that’s all I had to say. Thankfully, though, it's not.

While Monday night was painful and uncomfortable, it wasn’t unwelcome. While it has left me raw and feeling as though I could cry at the drop of a hat, it was good. By no means am I a masochist, quite the opposite really. Rather, what I have experienced has allowed me to really feel and express the emotions that I know I buried deep. I was able to process through those thoughts and things that I have been avoiding, face the changes in my relationships that moving necessitated, and really just allow myself to acknowledge that my life is now different…a little unknown…a little unsure…and a little scary. And that’s ok. I’m ok.

I spent some time looking over what I have posted the last couple of months and I was embarrassed to see how often this theme or other themes that I perceive to be “downers” surface. I don’t want to be Debbie Downer. I’d much rather be Pollyanna. And so I felt a little guilty subjecting the blog universe to what I think is incessant complaining, whining, and bitching. But then I stopped myself. That’s not true. My life has just been a little rough these last couple of months and I’ve experienced and been through some junk. And I know I’m not alone. I know that there are a lot of people out there who are hurting and so I hope that through my vulnerability they won’t feel alone, feel shame in what it is that they’re going through or feeling.

Like I said earlier, if this is where I ended that would be sad. Well, maybe not sad, but unresolved, unsettled somehow. Rather, here’s where this ends: it ends with me feeling raw, but at the same time feeling the arms of my Savior firmly around me. It ends with me knowing that there are many days ahead like this, but I know that I do not go alone. Jesus goes with me. That’s the beauty of going through times of uncertainty, unfamiliarity, and inadequacy because it’s in those moments that you really can experience Jesus as Comforter, Rock, and Refuge. And that’s a sweet and safe place to be.

Needful Hands

For those under the clouds
Staring up in awesome wonder
As tears come slowly down
I'm reaching up a needful hand

[Chorus:]

You are my eyes when I cannot see
You are my voice, see, sing through me
You are my strength in weakness be

To find that I could fall
And still your grace surrounds, pursuing
To freely stumble down
I feel your hands around my heart

[Chorus]

You are my strength, my voice, my eyes
I lift up needful hands
You are my strength, my voice, my eyes
I lift up needful hands

Homesickness

I have been in PA for a little over a week. It seems like time has both flown and crawled by. I'm feeling a little off in that I expected this to be a hard week, one full of tears and calls home because I was lonely, missed my family and friends...homesick. This hasn't been the way at all. That's not to say that I haven't been lonely, because I have; haven't missed friends and family, because I have; haven't been homesick, because I have. Rather, I haven't cried, haven't called home upset. Nothing. And in all honesty, this concerns me. I have, however, noticed other behaviors. Ones that I haven't seen in almost a year and a half and so it took me some time to recognize what they were. 

I wish instead that there were overwhelming feelings...any feelings. Instead, it's just like there's this numbness...nothing. And I don't want to go back to not having emotions or feelings. I want to be able to feel stuff, experience sadness, pain, sorrow, joy, excitement. 

I know that I need to reach out. I need to call my dietician in particular and tell her what's going on. But I haven't. Please pray that I do before this little bump in the road becomes a giant hole that swallows me whole.

Home, temporary, home

Well, my last week in AZ was pretty good. Crazy busy, but good.

Thurs, 5/21: 6am. Left for LA for sister's graduation from Talbot School of Theology. Bacclaureate at Knotts Berry Farm.

Fri, 5/22: Met Linds and kiddos she sits for for breakfast, shopping with the parents, graduation ceremony, Claim Jumper for dessert.

Sat, 5/23: Hiked Back Bay and had picnic, party at the Blue Beet

Sun, 5/24: Church at Rock Harbor (love it!!!), lunch at CPK

Mon, 5/25: Hang out with the parents, sold car!!!!!!!!!

Tues, 5/26: Errands, coffee w/ Megan, errands, dinner at Bianchi's

Wed, 5/27: Breakfast w/ mom at Le Buzz, packing, errands w/ mom, dinner at Chilis w/ parents, packing, packing, packing

Thu, 5/28: 10:25 boarded plane for Pit. Landed at 6:50. In my apartment by 9. 

It was a whirlwind week, but good. There were tears...from myself and both of my parents, but overall, it was a sweet week with them. And so, here I am. Beaver Falls, PA. I'm in an apartment on campus, no TV, no internet yet...just me, my computer, some books. Let the adventure begin!!!

Revolution

I became a Christian when I was 21. I didn't grow up in a Christian home and when my parents became Christ followers it freaked me out. It was only after a series of what-could-have-been tragic events did I turn my life over to Jesus. I am not the same person that I was when I made that decision. Yes, that is partly because I have matured, but mostly it is because of my relationship with Jesus. He has radically changed me and yet there is something missing. 

I can't put my finger on it. I feel like my relationship with Jesus has been so stale for the last several years. I don't really admit that to many people because I can't explain it and I don't want to hear that I am not spending enough time in prayer/in the Word/etc. Cause I don't think that's it. It's all too fluffy. Does that make sense? I have heard "rumors" of a radical, revolutionary Jesus who turned the world upside down and continues to do that today. Where is that Jesus and why haven't I met Him? I feel like the version of Christianity that I subscribe to is too safe, too predictable. I think that this is something that I have been mulling over for a long time now. I want more. I want more from my relationship with Jesus. I want Him.

I don't mean that I want more stuff. I have enough. No. I want something more substantial, more satisfying. And I don't think I'm alone in this. In conversations that I have had with other believers I have come to realize that in some way they are in the same place that I am. We want more of Jesus....His love, His joy, His peace, but also His revolution, His subversiveness, His directness, His challenge. We want Him. 

There is a yearning within me that refuses to be quiet. It started slow and small. It was just a small ache and it has now become a large hole. And I think that's one reason I am so excited about going to Italy because every time I have been pulled out of what I consider my comfort zone Jesus has radically transformed me and met me. I have some of the sweetest times with my Savior when I am all alone and left by myself without any familiarity. 

I was at my sister's church, Rock Harbor, in Costa Mesa this weekend and was pierced through by the Holy Spirit with a challenge to surrender to Christ. To let the One who began a revolution on this planet 2,000 years ago continue it in my life. Returning home, I picked up the lead pastor's, Mike Erre, book The Jesus of Suburbia. It's a book that I've been meaning to read, but hadn't gotten around to. It speaks to so much of what's going on in my life now and what has been going on...the wanting, the yearning, and the ache for something More. 

"But for those of us who see the darkness in our souls and the wickedness in our hearts, who feel the desperation and pain of this broken world, biblical principles aren't enough. I don't need enhancement; I need a new heart and a new mind. I need Jesus to invade my life and take it over. I don't want principles of religion or piety; I want Him. I'm desperate, I'm empty, and I am not content simply to be my same old self "new and improved"; I want to be something else entirely. I want to lay hold of the movement of Jesus and be turned inside out and upside down. But what I want is costly. Jesus never promises safety and comfort. He promises life with Him and a renewed soul, heart, and mind." The Jesus of Suburbia, page. 23.

It's like water to my arid soul and heart. This perfectly describes where I am and what I want. Oh Lord Jesus. I want this, I want You. I want to live life and not merely watch it pass me by. I want to be a revolutionary for Your Kingdom. I have counted the cost of following You, but have realized that it's the cost of sitting on the sidelines has become too high and so, I want to follow You, the real You. 

Think before you post

AHHHHH. That's what I am feeling right now. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and just AHHHH.

I swear that there are fewer and fewer people in this world who not only have brains, but who actually use them. And fewer and fewer people who have a real sense of humor and know how to use it. 

I saw a couple of comments today on Facebook after an acquaintance's status mentioned something about wanting to lose 30 pounds now so that she could fit into a swimsuit. The comments that ensued were disgusting. One mentioned starving and taking laxatives while another encouraged her to try the laxatives "for fun" and yet another said that there wasn't anything wrong with being anorexic for a few days. Seriously??? I am so angry right now that I am shaking and tears are running down my face. I know that these women were just joking, or making what they thought was a joke,but it's not funny and it's not appropriate. There are millions of women and men who are struggling with eating disorders and millions more who die every year. Where is the humor in that? There isn't any. It's not funny and from one who has seen first hand in my life and in the lives of the women I met in treatment what this disease does and can do...it is far from funny. It is painful, cruel, and distasteful. Shame on you. 

Contact

I received an email today on Facebook from a student who is going to be in Rome this Fall. She just wanted to "chat" and get to know me better. How cool is that?! That alone excited me even more. I worried that the program being only a semester long would be too short because I wouldn't get to know the students very well or I would and then have to say goodbye. My opinion has changed now, though. No matter how much time I have or don't have with the students is exactly as much as the Lord wants me to have and so that means that I have to be intentional with every opportunity to pour into the lives of students and not to waste the opportunities I do have. I am eager to see what He has for them and for me as well. 

Last hoorahs

I went away with some friends this weekend for one "last hoorah" as we all go our own ways this summer. Most of them, ok all of them, will be back in Phx this fall, so really this was my last hoorah. I was hoping that I would be able to see everyone one last time this summer for a friend's wedding in CO, but it is looking more and more like that's not going to happen because of the cost of airfares from Pittsburgh to Denver. (It's so much cheaper from Phoenix!) So, more than likely this weekend was goodbye for quite a while and that's just so strange. I know that I have brought this up a lot, but I just can't get used to it...the finality of goodbye. Granted, I know that it's something of a temporary goodbye because it's not as if I won't see them again, but it will never be the same again. I do not plan on moving back to Phoenix after I get back, that is if I come back, and I am sure that at some point many of my friends will leave Phoenix. The thing is that this doesn't just apply to the friends I was with this weekend, but really to most of the people in my life. I don't ever foresee things being as they are now. My best friend, someone I have been friends with for the last 14 years, will more than likely have another kid this year and then at some point she and her husband, who I have also known for 14 years, will move back to Cali. One of my other best friends is moving to North Carolina in June. My mom is turning 60 this November and I am faced with the reality that my parents are in fact aging. It's probable that my sister and brother-in-law will have a baby while I am away. It's just bizarre how quickly life changes...and how it goes on whether or not you're around to witness it. And vice versa. So much will happen to me in the coming year and those who know me best won't be there to witness it. They will hear second-hand about what's going on, but that's not the same as being there. 

I know that God has placed these people in my life for a reason and perhaps it was only for a season. I don't know. I can't say for certain what tomorrow will bring. It's just a surreal place to be in when you take a step back and look at your life and realize that everything is about to change and never again will it be what it is now. And I know that that is a good thing. Change is inevitable and it's good. I know this. There's just a heaviness in my heart as I contemplate this. What plans does the Lord have for me in the coming years? What plans does He have for those I love? I don't know. I can only trust that His plans are best and that's all I really need to know now.

Home

Well, I left Phoenix today. I was supposed to head out yesterday, but just as I suspected I wasn't even close to being ready to go. From my vantage point, everything looked to be in order and ready to go. From my mom's vantage point, and one that's slightly better than mine, I was far from being ready. So, being the incredible mom that she is, she stayed with me last night and we pretty much got everything done (minus cleaning the bathrooms and the carpets). 

So, here I am now sitting in my parent's kitchen in Tucson after helping cook dinner and I have to say...it's good to be home. It's nice having my mom hover over me and asking me what she can get me or what I want to do. I suspect that this will be something like an extended vacation. I just hope it doesn't end in traditional Snyder vacation style...all of us mad at each other and not speaking! Hahahahahaha....

To my fellow sojourners...

Today was my first day not working at Canyon. I thought that it would be a great day, it would feel like a vacation day. And in some ways, it did. But, and here's what's weird, I missed it. I missed not being there. Ok, scratch that. I didn't miss 'it'...I missed them. I missed being with my friends and the people who have made such a difference in my life. So, I wanted to take moment and run down the list and give some shout outs....here we go!

Tammy: thanks for always being my nutty buddy! I could always count on you to be as crazy and random as myself. That always made for a good time....

Terri: thanks for being the voice of reason in the midst of chaos. You were always around to offer truth and a right perspective.

Matt: Ok, I know I've told you that you are the one person who really frustrates me because I can never come up with a comeback...it's true! But! I don't mean that that's a bad thing...you keep me on my toes and it's fun to be around you because of that. 

James: thank you for offering who you are without apology. I have learned so much from you and from what Jesus has done in your life. Thanks, too, for marrying Ruth and bringing her to Canyon...she has become a great friend and I love her!

Sarah: it has been a tremendous blessing to be a part of your life at GCU...to watch you transition from student to staff to a dearly loved friend. I could always count on you for dance parties, pictures, and truth. Thank you for that and so much more.

Anthony: What can I say? I have learned what it is to walk along side people and do life with them from you...I learned about what it is that Student Life is from you. You have the incredible gift of speaking truth into the lives of those around you, but do so with humility, grace, and mercy. I am, as I suspect all those who know you, are better for having known you. I have been blessed beyond belief to have worked both with you and for you. Despite what you may think and believe, it was a pleasure working for you and you did an incredible job as our jefe. It's crazy to look back at pictures from the "old" days and see how we've changed...in more ways than even getting physically older. We have become adults in those 5 years...I mean you got married and had a kid. Wow...thank you for letting me share in all of that. It has been a privilege to bear witness to how God has worked in your life. I can't imagine what these last 5 years would have been like without you. You have no idea...and there are no words. Honestly.

Elise, Karley, Megan, Robyn, and Vanessa: I could not have asked for a better group of young women to go through my last year at Canyon with. I know you think that I have impacted your lives, but you truly have no clue how much you have influenced my life. I thank God that He entrusted you guys to me this year....you made my last year what it was. Thank you!!

Lees: you have no idea the tremendous influence you have had on both my professional and personal life. Thank you for always encouraging me to be who God created me to be, for always challenging me to move outside of my own perceived limitations, and for granting me opportunity after opportunity to use my gifts. You are a dear friend and I love you lots! Besides all of that (and so much more), you hired Ant, Erin, Ronnie, Mel, Kristin, Ruffo, Nicole, Sarah, Matt, James, Tammy, and Robin...thank you for bringing them into my life. 

I have no idea why I thought it would difficult for me to feel anything or cry during all of this because I am sitting before my computer blubbering like a baby. My heart is breaking at the thought that I won't see them or talk to them on a daily basis. It's just that as I think back over my time with those mentioned above I know that I am who I am today because of them...because they created a safe place for me to be exactly who it is that God created me to be...without demanding that I be anything other than that and showing me grace when I didn't know what that looked like or couldn't be that. Each of them in their own way shows me Jesus in how they live and how they love me. I love you....

There are of course so many other people who deserve to be on this list, but if I did that I would be writing for days and I just don't think my heart or eyes could take that. So, just know that I love you and am so thankful for you!

Thank you, Jesus, for blessing my life with these people...through them You have shown me more of You...Your grace, mercy, humility, and Love. 

At a loss for words

   Tomorrow's my last day. How did that happen? It seems like just yesterday that I was applying for the Italy job and now...here I am leaving a place that has been my home away from home for nearly 7 years. It's the place where I've kind of grown up, where I've learned what it means to do life with students and others, where I've come into my own, where I've discovered who I am, and where I have discovered more of Jesus. And now I'm leaving. That seems so strange. On one hand, I can hardly stand it I am so excited. On the other, I hate leaving. But I know that's only because of the relationships that I have there and have made there. They have changed my life...and you know who you are. Thank you.

  With that said, tomorrow also means that it's now or never to use my voice and speak truth into someone's life. I don't think, scratch that...I know he's not ready to hear it. I know he won't want to hear it, but I still feel this tremendous amount of responsibility to say it anyways. There's so much pent up inside that I want and need to get out. But, Lord, what would You have me do? What do You want me to say? To not say? Will it even be received? And if not, does it matter? I don't want someone who speaks out of anger, bitterness, and pettiness, but someone who speaks to bring light, healing, and Jesus. I want my words to offer life and not death. The place is dying because of an unchecked disease...and it's not right. 

   So, Jesus, I am asking that my tongue would speak only the words that You will them to. Prepare my heart, Lord, for whatever You have for me and for whatever the response is. Prepare His heart Jesus to hear and receive...make it a fertile place for Your Truth. He needs to hear it. Give me Your eyes to see and Your ears to hear. I want to love like You.

Happy things? Anyone? Really...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Is there any happy news in the world anymore? I mean c'mon! It seems that every time I turn on the news, open Facebook, read other blogs it's just depressing. Don't get me wrong, I know we live in a fallen, broken, and hurting world. This place is not meant to replace our true home with Jesus. That we will never know what true joy is until we are with Him in glory....but seriously, doesn't anything happen anymore that brings a smile to people's faces? I'm just getting so sick of all the crap. I hate that people I love are hurting because of other's choices and their own...I hate that our country seems to be slipping into a deeper cesspool of garbage...where in the world is Pollyanna at a time like this?

So.....I am challenging myself to come up with at least one happy thing a day (there are lots of happy things in my day so please don't think that I am Debbie Downer, but it just seems easier to focus on the junk sometimes) and I am challenging you to come up with one as well.

Here's my happy thing for the day: I got to be with people I love and have fun with tonight. That's a reason to be happy. Oh and yeah....God is on the throne. That's really a reason to be happy!

Feelings

This is a week of goodbyes. It's where I start leaving my life in the US behind and prepare for my European adventure. 

Currently, I am sitting in the Denver airport after a great long weekend with my sisters and bro-in-law. It's perhaps the last time I will see my sister, Megan, until Christmas. We said goodbye at the departure curb.  I had fully intended and expected that this would be emotional. I wanted to cry as I said my goodbye to Megan, but instead I did what I always do and suppressed the tears. This could have been a huge step in my recovery. To feel and be ok with feeling. Instead, I bottled it up and began to feel it when I was alone.

This was the first in a long list of sad things that I am going to have to go through in the coming months and I don't want to be on autopilot any more. I want to be able to be in the moment and be present for whatever emotions are going to come. Isn't that part of humanity? Aren't emotions a gift from God? Didn't He wire us to partake in them? I just don't want to check out anymore. I want to feel sad, happy, angry...I want to be able to cry. I want to be able to walk into my emotions and not hide from them any more. 

BFF...not

I was going through some stuff tonight as I was packing and came across this notebook that my best friend from Jr. high/high school and I kept. We would write notes in it to one another and trade it back and forth between classes. I took some time to read through it and it brought a lot of stuff up.

Kim and I were inseparable from the 7th grade until just before our sophomore year. We were ridiculously close. If she wasn't at my house, I was at hers. If we weren't together, we were on the phone. I was closer to her than I was to my sisters at that point. Then, just before our sophomore year started, I'm talking like the day before, she just stopped talking to me. That was it. She never said two words to me again. One day we were joined at the hip and the next she didn't look at me, didn't even acknowledge that I was alive. 

Since then all of my girlfriends have had to bear the burden of that relationship. I have a hard time trusting girlfriends, I feel threatened when they form other friendships, etc.  I don't think that I ever got over that incredibly painful loss. There was a time earlier this year that I was feeling "threatened" and my friend looked at me and said: "Kristen. I am not Kim Luce. Please don't punish me for what she did." WOW. That hit a nerve, to say the least. 

So what I had decided to do tonight was go to the last page of this notebook and "write" Kim a note and just kind of rid myself of all the hurt and anger I still have buried down deep. I was looking forward to it and dreading it all at the same time. Instead, I decided to look for her on Facebook. There she was. She looks almost exactly the same. She's married now. (Of course she is! ) Part of me just wants to write this note and let it go. Part of of me wants to message her. I don't know.  What would be the point? What if she didn't respond? Would that open up a-barely-healed wound all over again? 

How is it that 16 years later this still affects me so profoundly?  Here I am 31 years old, have incredible friends who love me, have lived a pretty amazing life, and yet I am having a physical reaction to seeing her picture and looking through an inane notebook. My heart is racing and I feel queasy. I feel like I am 15 all over again and have lost my best friend for who knows why. 

Do I confront my past head on or deal with it on my own? 

Avoidance

OMG. I have so much to do around my house that I have frozen...I can't do anything. There is so much crap everywhere. Where did I get all of this? 

I don't want to do anything but play on my computer. Ugh...too much to do...not enough time.