Boxing up my life

So, I started to pack my house up today. What a daunting task!

I've been wanting to start the process now because I know that my life's about to get insane in March and then it would all be left till the last minute. So, I started in my "office" area. I packed up my books and some knick knacks. Then, thanks to some friends who were over last night I don't have to remove the pictures from my walls...they took care of that. Of course it took me a bit of time to find where they hid them all, but once I did I carefully wrapped them in newspaper and placed them in a box.

So, that's that. My life in boxes. It's amazing how much we accumulate, but also how much of what is in that stuff that speaks to the life we've lived. Looking at pictures and things that I have collected over the years truly does testify to how blessed I am. The faces of my friends and family, scenery from all over the world in those pictures remind me that I have lived an incredible life thus far. I have a lot to be thankful for. I cannot wait for the next chapter to begin so that one day as I am packing up to come back home I can once again be reminded of how the Lord has blessed me and how much I have really lived.

Of course, I hope and pray that there's not nearly as much to pack then as there is now!

Sisters

I love my sisters. They're two of the most amazing people that I know. They make me laugh like no one else I know!I just got back from Cali for a sisters only weekend. There isn't anyone else on the planet that I can just sit around in pjs with and watch 2 horrible movies in a row with and yet...have the best time!

It has been such a blessing to see how our relationships have changed as we've grown up. When I was younger I didn't really have a really have a relationship with either of them. I always felt like I was in competition with Lindsay and at odds with Megan. Going away to college and then living apart, though, has really changed that. They are two of my best friends and seriously...the most fun. Lindsay is goofy and Megan is quirky. I love them more than anything!

Unexpected gifts

I was going to take over for Tom Brokaw when he retired. I was going to be the first female to anchor a national network news program (I had this planned long before Katie Couric ever did). Well, as the saying goes...we plan and God laughs. Rather than going into news I "fell" into higher education. I say that because it was never a career path or field that I thought of...it wasn't on my radar. And yet, after 7 years, I can tell you that this is exactly where I was meant to end up. I was created to live life with students...even when I didn't know what that meant or what that looked like.

I have dedicated my time, energy, emotions, gifts, and talents to pour into students. It is my job, no, it is my privilege to challenge them to be exactly who it is that God has called and created them to be. This means that when they make poor decisions... I call them out in love...when they celebrate...I celebrate...when they cry...I cry...and when they need someone to just be there...I am there. I haven't done this perfectly...I may not have always done it well, but I did it in the way that I knew best, with what God has given me. And, if I may be so bold and toot my own horn, I think that I have made an impact for His Kingdom and His glory in their lives. I have been given the extreme blessing and honor to see lives change. I know this to be true. I know that it is not for nothing.

And yet....I have had to hear that what I do is wrong. That I do it wrong. That next year when I am not here it will be right. What the hell does that mean? And what gives you the right to say what I've done is wrong? You don't have a clue as to what I do or even who I am. Just because you have been here for a couple of months and have seen glimpses does not mean you know me or see what I do. I have been to hell and back personally and have walked there with my students....so do not pretend that you know who I am and what I have accomplished. You can turn this place into whatever you want it to look like...but it will not be life giving because in order for something to be life giving it requires someone to pour into it.....and I don't see that happening.

But then I stop....because I remember the words that a dear friend shared with me. He (someone that I trust, admire, respect, and care for because of who he is and who God has created him to be) reminded me that despite the anger and bitterness I now feel...what I should also feel is gratitude towards this other person because if not for him, I wouldn't be reminded that I need Jesus every day. And it's true. Jesus is what keeps me going...when I think that I can't take any more crap...it's Jesus that pulls me through. He reminds me gently of the students that I have been entrusted with...that I am here for Him and them.

So, thank you. Thank you for making this place that I have loved for so long so miserable and difficult....because I am closer to Jesus for having been here. And that is a gift.

Time

The time that I have left before I leave is flying past. At this point, a lot of what I find myself doing is for the "last time." A couple of weeks ago I went to Casino Night....for the last time. I went to a friend's party...for the last time. I am doing student leadership interviews...for the last time. A friend is coming to visit...for the last time. I am going to CA for a sister's weekend...for the last time.

Time's slipping by. And for the most part...I am glad. I wish some of it would go faster. I would like my last day of work to hurry up and get here so I wouldn't have to deal with all the crap anymore...but I wish that the days that I have with my students and my friends at work would slow down...the times I have with my friends outside of work....my family...I wish it would all just slow down. I want to savor those moments. Really drink them in and appreciate them.

Certainly, it's not as if any of this stuff isn't ever going to happen again. It will...but not with the same people, not in the same way, and not for a very long time. And I think that's what has me nervous and a little bit sad. I am afraid that when I leave here...I will be forgotten. I will fade from people's thoughts and the time I will have spent here will have been for naught. I am selfish enough to not want this...I want to be missed. And I am afraid that I won't be.

Filters

Whether most of us realize it or not we live out of what we have experienced in life. This includes the good, bad, and ugly. Truth is our reactions to things often come out of how we've experienced such things in our past. We all have a filter that life and what happens to us goes through. And sometimes that means that we too are the recipients of other people's filters. Often times the reactions that people have towards us or what we do or say is really a reaction to something that happened to them earlier and not a reflection of us at all.

My dad was the fat kid. He was the one that everyone teased and called butter ball. It breaks my heart to hear the stories of those days and it is so easy for me to see how his life is filtered through that experience. He has a tremendous fear of gaining weight and to some extent food itself. He is constantly trying out new diets and work outs as a way to not revisit that painful past. What has happened as a result of not dealing with that junk, of not facing it head on, is that he has passed some of that on to his daughters, on to me. I can see so clearly how my own struggle with my weight is a product of his experience. He was so afraid for himself and not able to reconcile what he went through vs. who he really is that he has put a tremendous amount of emphasis on how I look...whether I am overweight or not. He has pushed me for nearly 25 years to exercise and "eat right." So much of my life has been made to focus on the external. And I can now say with some assurance that it isn't really about me...it's about that little boy who was teased, taunted, and made to feel less than because of how he looked. And yet, I am the one who has to deal with the fallout of that because that's how he filters his life.

Today he again brought up exercise and how important it is for me to "start a healthy exercise routine" so that I can "feel good and be happy." I asked him what his motivation for bringing this subject up was, a subject that I have told him on numerous occasions is not permissible because of his own prejudices and filter. His response was "because I don't think you have much time left." Yep...because I'm going to die soon because I don't exercise regularly enough for what he thinks I should be doing. At that point, I got up and left the room. He attempted to apologize, but it was an apology that to me isn't real. He feels badly that he hurt my feelings, but refuses to take responsibility for the thinking/filter that prompted that statement in the first place. Inevitably he will say something like that again because that's what he believes deep down inside. We sat at a park for over an hour afterwards in silence because he was unable to hear me. Yes, he listened to what I had to say...but that's it. Listening and hearing are not the same thing. Hearing requires action on someones part....processing what has been said and then making a decision on how to proceed. Listening just requires that your ears are in working order. He listens. He doesn't hear. What I need from him is to hear. To hear how he makes me feel when he says those things. I wasn't there when those kids made fun of him and made him feel less than....but I know how he felt because that's how I feel when he says what he says.

I'm trying not to internalize it. I have done a lot of work to get to where I am, to accept that what I look like does not determine who I am or whether or not I can be happy. I am not confined by my body and what shape it takes. I just wish that he could accept that and accept me as I am....

Ah. There's so much I want to say about this and cannot. There are not enough words in my vocabulary or the English language for that matter to properly explain myself or the condition of my heart. I can, however, offer an example...if you haven't seen the movie Penelope...see it. It's a great picture of what happens when we and our family limit our potential and life in general to what we look like on the outside. It's excruciating and freeing all at the same time...

Space and time...

is all it takes to gain some perspective...and utilize the skills I learned in treatment.

They talked a lot about sitting with your emotions and riding the wave...that they'll come in strong and then ebb out. It's true..they do. And they do go back out and you can gain some clarity.

The urge has passed and the taunts have stopped. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for Your Strength and Protection. Thank you that you brought to mind what I have learned and helped me to see it through. Thanks for letting me go through that...I am stronger than I thought.

About that time....

Like clockwork every New Year’s my mom gets introspective and decides to share with me some things that the Lord has been showing her. Usually, these are things related to my health and weight. And every year, like clock work, she emails me what she’s thinking and every year, like clock work, I end up in tears and angry over what she’s said.

It’s been a year since my last behavior and almost as long since I’ve even had an urge, but right now I just want to say screw it and numb out. To stop feeling what I am enduring right now. To slip below the surface and remain there for a bit. To just not think for a time and let the black space take me over. There is a war going on inside of my head right now as both sides of me argue their case.

Logically, I know what I need to do. I need to reach out to my support system and gain some perspective. I need to get out of emotional mind and head over to rational. I know this. And yet, that other part of me is taunting me and daring me to go thru with what it wants. Just give in and let go.

I know that if I do give in the stuff I’ll have to deal with on the other side will be worse, but let’s face it…I’ve always been an instant gratification kind of girl.

How is it that despite my 31 years my mom can still make me feel like I am 10 all over again?