Thinking things thru

My mom was here visiting for a week and she just left yesterday. As has been the norm since people have come to visit me here, I am struggling with a bad case of homesickness today. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss home.

My mom and I talked about my future while she was here and what the next couple of years look like. As of now the plan is to be here at least one more year, but quite honestly I don't want to be. It's not that I hate it here or my semester's been miserable because it hasn't been. Rather, it's just that I've come to realize just how important my family and friends are to me and how I'm not someone who was created to live away from them. This is the longest I've ever lived away from home and I hate that part of it. I don't know what to do. Frankly, I don't even want to stay past this year, but I feel obligated.

Whenever anyone hears what I am doing the automatic response is "that's amazing! How can I get that job?" And to some degree, it is amazing and this has been an incredible experience, but at the same time reality and the romantic notion of living/working abroad is so radically different. The reality is very lonely and very hard. My expectations and what is real are worlds apart. This is not what I thought it would be.

 So, I guess for now I am praying about where God wants me. Here or there?

God answers fast!

I wrote the email. I said no. I sent it to a friend to look over first....and then I got an email that no longer made my email necessary. All I can say is Thank You Jesus! He knew what I needed and saw to my care. I know that I will eventually have to deal with this and respond, but for now...it's not necessary!

Advocating for me

I am in the midst of trying to know how to word an email. I have very strong feelings about the subject of the email, but I can't seem to get the words out. I think it's because I am afraid. I'm afraid to stand up for myself and use my voice. I have learned the importance of doing this, but in this instance with this person I am finding it difficult.

I think it's because I don't feel safe with this person and I, more often than not, feel taken advantage by this person. I feel like they're more apt to point out all of my misgivings and failures, but not protect me, foster an environment where I am cared for...allowed to rest. And so because of that I don't feel like I can say "No". I want to, but I don't feel like I can. What's being asked of me, though, is fairly comical. I feel like such a non-entity, but so much is expected and almost demanded of me. I am happy to give 100% so long as I have some time to me and some time to recharge. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

It's funny because last night at Bible study I made the point that in the notes from our previous lesson it said  something to the effect that we should not fear the judgements others make of what they may perceive as our failures because Jesus knows who we are and we can trust who God has called us to be. Huh? So, I shouldn't fear as I write this email because I know who God made me to be and who He has called me to be. Didn't think that God would provide me a tangible example of how to apply the Truth that He revealed to me so soon. Still....what to write? What to write??

Waking life

I watched perhaps one of my favorite movies the other day and I'm still processing what it is that it stirs up inside me. Penelope is a fabulous movie about a young woman who bears a family curse in the form of a pig nose. Her parents, ok her mom, is so distraught by her daughter's "deformity" that she keeps Penelope hidden from the world and goes so far as to fake her death. It is believed that the only way to break the curse is for Penelope to be accepted by one of her own...so her mom sets out to find her a blue blood husband to break the curse. In the end, it's not a man, or anything like that that breaks the curse....it's....well, I hate to ruin the ending for you...so let's just say that Penelope learns the true meaning of beauty and acceptance.

And that's what I love about that movie. It reminds me that no matter what anyone else says or how anyone else judges me, I am beautiful because of who I am and who I am in Christ. That's it. I could have three eyes, two noses, and orange hair and still be beautiful.

The first time I saw Penelope I was unable to leave the theatre after it was over. I literally sat stunned in my seat until the credits were over. It struck such a nerve within me that I found it hard to process anything else. I was the chubby kid in my family. I was the one who carried her baby fat into adolescence. I mean I was very active in that I played tennis and soccer, I swam and I danced, but because of how I was created my bones held on to a little more flesh than say my sister's did. For my mom this was sometimes hard to reconcile because she was fairly thin all of her life. To have a daughter who wasn't was hard for her. I remember going shopping with my sisters and her and she would tell me that we would wait to buy "nice" (meaning more stylish) clothes for me until I lost the weight...because it was only a matter of time. Well, she didn't know that I was in the midst of a full blown eating disorder and secretly bingeing all of the time....she didn't know that when I stopped playing all those sports, stopped dancing that the weight that had been kept off would suddenly appear. And so I learned that because of my weight I wasn't worthy of wearing beautiful clothes..of being seen as beatiful. This is what I took from what was said. Don't get me wrong, I don't think my mom said those things to me because she wanted to hurt me, she just didn't know what to do with me. And so I wore baggy clothes, non-descript clothes. I rarely wore make-up and let my hair grow really long and stringy.

It wasn't until I was in my early 20s that I began to take ownership of my body, what I wore, and how I presented myself. I learned that even though I may weigh *** I could still treat my body as my canvas and use clothes and make-up as my art supplies. I'm not suggesting that clothing and make-up make us pretty or beautiful...rather I'm saying that until I began to carry myself with worth, acceptance, love...I wasn't able to appreciate that which God gave me. I had to accept myself. Just as Penelope did.

My heart is still stirred by that movie. It still resonates deep within me. It is a good reminder for me in a world so focused on the external that when all is said and done...what we look like on the outside doesn't matter. It's who we are, whose we are, how we love, and how we live that makes us beautiful...the rest is just icing on the cake.

Love and war

I have started an online book study of John and Stasi Eldredge's book Love and War with my mom, cousins, sisters, and aunt. The book is about marriage. Again, I am single. Hmm. Not quite sure what it is that I am doing in this study. But I know that God has purpose in all He does...and so that must mean there's something that I am to gain from it.

Community where I can find it

I am a people person. I thrive off of being surrounded by friends and family. I come alive when I can pour into other people and they in turn into me. Anyone who knows me knows this to be true. And I suppose that's why I love working with students so much. I get to do this all the time. And get paid for it.

Still, there's something to be said for having friends your own age and a community of people who are at the same life stage as you are. I had that at home. I had people who I could go to with any and everything...people I could call up and meet for a meal, a movie, or a Nordstrom fix. I don't have that here in Rome. Yes, I do have Lynda and she's great, but I need someone outside of this place to be with. So, I'm praying for a friend.

I recognized last semester that friendship was missing. What I didn't realize until most recently is that despite not having community...I have sought it out and found it. Of course, I have found it in books and not in real people. Since I was a little girl I have loved to read. I would lock myself in my room and read for hours and hours. Looking back I now see that at those times in my life when I have been lonely or not a part of community my reading has increased. I remember when we moved from WI to AZ sitting in my room all day on a Saturday and reading. I read books over and over again as if I am meeting with old friends. And that's what it is...a meeting of friends. I have found community tucked in the pages of the books that I am reading or have read. I know on some levels that this is not healthy, that I need relationship with real people and not in a fictional time and place, but it strikes me that though we may not have community available we still seek it out and will attempt to find it no matter where or what. There's something comforting in the people I encounter amidst the pages of novels. And for a short time I am not alone. There is a need within me that is being met.

Still, I know myself well enough to know that I cannot live like this. It's not healthy for me. I need human interaction, human connections. After all, this is what we were created for. We were created for community, for relationship. I know that God desires that we find this in Him first and those around us second.

I know I need to cut back on my reading. I need to put my book down and get out into life. Do you have community? Relationship? Or are you filling that God-given need with books, music, shopping, or temporal things that will ultimately be an illusion of the real thing?

Amazing grace

The new semester is underway. Students arrived a week ago and already....so different from last semester. Thank you Lord!

I learned so much last semester about what not to do and what needs to be clearer and so I don't know if that's why things seem to be going smoother now or it's because I and so many have covered this semester in prayer. I suppose it's a combination of the two.

I was at Bible study the other night and one of the women in my group mentioned that I looked different. Did I have a new haircut? No. Did I put on different make-up? No. Did I.....? No. And then I think I figured it out. Peace. I have so much more peace this time around. And I suppose that's because I've done what I didn't do nearly enough of last semester...I've been praying and talking to God about these students and this semester. I have sought His face more than I did last semester. And I guess that's kind of the point to life...that we learn from our mistakes and move forward...allowing God to use those moments in our lives to mold us into a better version of who we are....to be more like Christ.

I am finally excited again about what I am doing here. I am finally finding life and energy in what I'm doing. And it's nice. I know that this semester will bring challenges because how can there not be when 13 fallen human beings are living together? But this time around...I know what needs to happen....thanks to God's amazing grace.