Ouch...right between the eyes

I was reading a devotional online this morning about integrity and character. I consider myself to be someone with integrity and character. I want to do the right thing; be a peson above reproach. And then, I got to the last paragraph of the devotional:
"Our integrity is often tested through our finances. How we handle our money is a true sign of our character and it seems that Christians are under the spotlight more than others. By paying for the land, Abraham was not under obligation to the landowners. When in debt, we are obligated to the lenders. When in debt, it is hard to make wise choices because our need for money can overshadow the right decision. Pray about your finances and ask the Lord to guide you in all decisions regarding money, even in issues of debt. Integrity and character are far more valuable in comparison."
Oohhhh....that one hurts. I am not living with integrity with regards to my finances. I am in debt and yet, I continue to spend money! My eyes are dazzled by bright and shiny new things...things that really don't matter. How many pairs of shoes do I really need? Do I really have to have a piece of jewelry to match every outfit? Hmmmm...I am tempted to say lots and yes, but I know in my heart that that's not true and that I am not honoring God in my choices. I don't want to be in debt. It makes me sick....thinking about all that I owe and what I could do with my life if I wasn't paying for the mistakes of my past. I suppose, though, if I were to really live a life affected by Christ and His Spirit I must leave the old behind and put on the new. (and I'm not talking about a new pair of BCBG pumps!) Ok....so, this is my public declaration...I am going to give up shopping and get out of debt! I have to! I want to move to Italy and I can't very well do that with debt hanging over my head.

So, Lord please forgive me for my sin...and give me the strength to choose that which is right and pleasing in your eyes and not my flesh!

Deja Vu...

So, four years ago I lost my job because it was "eliminated." Fine...whatever. I can deal with that. In all honesty, I learned more about God's strength and power after that than ever before. I learned more about myself at that time than ever before. It was hard and it sucked, but at the same time it was something of a blessing.

And now, it's happening again. I returned to the company that I'd been let go from 3 years ago. Today two of my co-workers were "restructured" and I have a feeling more is to come. It's just weird to be in this place again. I want to be ok with it, to acccept what the Lord has for me in this. But, my humanity is crying out to be spared because how will I live? How will I pay my bills??? All of the stuff that the Lord came thru with before. Wouldn't He do that again? I mean come on! How many times do we have to love thru all of this before we get it thru our heads! God is a God of mercy, grace, and love...He cares for those who serve Him. He cares enough for the sparrows of the air and the lilies of the field...how much more will He care for me?!

I want to abandon myself to Him, to live like nothing/no one can touch me because of who I am in Christ. Let this be my prayer....and if I do not get to stay here this year...then bring that as well!

Italia

I first discovered Italy when I was 16 years old. I immeadiately fell in love wih the culture, people, and landscape. Life seemed so much simpler. Time slipped by lazily rather than in a blur as it does in the States. Life was to be experienced, tasted, savored. It was as if the Italians knew the secret that the rest of the world wanted to know, but didn't know how to slow down long enough to find it. They understand what it is to live. They work to live, not live to work; they eat to live; not live to eat; they value family, rest, and simplicity. I left that summer feeling full, content almost.
I didn't return until I was 30. I thought for sure that what I had experienced was teenage idealism. How wrong I was! My love affair with Italy was reawakened and was more intense than before. My heart feeels alive within its landscape and people. It's beat slows and takes its time. It finds its rhythm. My senses are awakened there. My eyes are overwhelmed by the beauty, color, history, and richness. My ears love the melody of the Italian language. It is such a lovely and warm song that floats around you. My skin loves the feel of the strong earth upon my hands, the warm sun upon my face. My nose is delighted by the aromas. Sweet, savory, salty air that smells at once inviting. It's almost like being enveloped in the strong embrace of an old friend.
Since my return to the States I have felt a yearning to go back; haunted by the memories that seem so far away. I crave to be there. I have to be there. I can't explain it. It feels like home.
I have been praying and asking the Lord to allow me to return. I had decided, God willing of course, that I would return two years from the last time I was there. That would put me back in Italy in 2009. Imagine my great suprise and delight when the perfect job opportunity opened up in Rome. It starts in 2009. As I write this I am putting the finishing touches on my application. Oh how I want this! I haven't let my heart desire something in so long. It's a strange and wonderful feeling. Terrifying at the same time as well. I want this. I have to get this. I wonder, though, what if this isn't what the Lord wants for me? Will I still be content with His plan? Will I be ok knowing that there was a possibility of my greatest dream coming true? Or, when all is said and done I will trust in the plan the real Dreamer has for me?

How this all started....

I was in the car on the way to work yesterday and I heard this song called Fine by Jaymes Reunion. I immediately fell in love...it describes my life. Once I figure out how to put music on this thing...I will. Until then, here are the lyrics:

Jaymes Reunion - Fine from the album Everything You’ve Been Looking For

Hello my friend, can you teach me how to breathe again,
can you teach me how to love, can you give me a life?
The problem begins, when I add it up and count again,
I’m losing every fight, and I need some answers
maybe its alright, and I’m gonna land it

Chorus:You’ve never really loved, until you’ve watched it fall apart
You’ve never really lived, until you felt like you could die
You've never really stood, until the weight has pushed you over
You’re picking up the pieces just to find, your doing just fine

I’m scared to death, that I’ll never find the me that’s best
Every story’s been told, I feel like a loser
All these wounds are getting old, so I’m gonnna land it

Chorus

Oh, I’m spinning out of control, looking up as I fall,
The colors they blur around me Oh, I’ve cut up my heart again,
this freedom is nothing but sin
I know you know me better, so make it better
I’ve never really loved, until I watched it fall apart
And I never really lived, until I saw that I was dead
And I never really stood, until the weight had pushed me over
I'm picking up the pieces just to find, everythings fine

Ta da!

I have been wanting...and talking about...starting a blog for mmm...forever now. I am a writer at heart, but haven't had the heart to write in I don't know how long. So, I've decided to start here. Write what you know...that's what I've been told at least.

So why the title? I have been through alot in the last couple of years. It's been a hard road...one fraught with major pitfalls, but also with many moutaintops. So, right now....everything's fine. I am learning that God has in the moments that we're in for a reason. I don't have to have everything figure out...everything mapped out...everything set and squared away. All I need to know is that He has me where He wants me, or at least moving towards that, and that in that I am loved, blessed, secure, and fine....

So, hold on...this may be a bumpy ride!