Feeling...and not enjoying it

As I said in my last blog post, I've been trying out the whole online dating thing again. And this time, I've been talking, with some regularity, to a guy since the end of January.  That's 2 and a half months of communication. In other words, my longest "relationship".

We started out strong. We would send emails, chat on instant messenger, and finally worked our way up to the phone and eventually Skype. When we would talk, we would talk for hours. No joke. On the phone, we could talk for 2-3 hours and it would pass as mere minutes. When we I'M-ed we could talk for up to 4 hours. And then, slowly, but surely that time began to fade to an hour, half an hour, ten minutes. I was expecting that. There was no way we could maintain 2-3 hour conversations nearly everyday. What I wasn't expecting, though, was to not receive anymore emails, and no contact for nearly two weeks. And I knew in my heart of hearts that it was time to let go of whatever it was that had been because it was fairly apparent that we weren't going anywhere. As my sister put it, I was settling for crumbs when I deserved the whole cookie.

So, last night I did what had to be done. I sent him an email telling him that while I enjoyed getting to know him, I felt like whatever had been between us had run its course and I didn't see us going anywhere. I knew this was the best thing for me, and ultimately for him. And yet today, well, I feel so sad. And I don't understand why. I want to cry. And I don't understand why. It's not as if he was the love of my life and my heart is broken because he isn't and it isn't. Still, I am left....feeling. And I don't like it because I don't know how to handle it, how to deal with it, or even how to express it.

I am told that what I am feeling is normal. That what is happening is to be expected. But that doesn't make it any more comfortable for me. And I still don't know what to do with all of this...feeling.

I received a text from him last night at 1 a.m. my time, 4 p.m. his time. I don't know if he texted just to text me (he has often just texted me at that hour because that's what is seemingly convenient for him) or if it's because he wanted to discuss my email. I don't know because I was asleep and didn't get the text until I awoke this morning. I suppose that part of me is hoping that it was in response to my email because I do want to talk about it. I didn't want to have to email him, but when I don't hear from him for a week...well, I'm left with no choice. I guess what I'm hoping for, and yet, not expecting in the least, is closure.

It's very possible that I'll never get the closure that I want and I'll just have to be ok with that. Until then, though, I am praying that the Lord would strengthen me and remind me of why I did what I did...because I am worth more than crumbs and I want more than crumbs. I don't want to settle for something just because it happens to be there and available. I am worth more than that and I know that someday I will get that...and if from no one else, then I know that Jesus has given me the very best in Himself and I don't need anything more than that....

Does anyone have conversations anymore?

I know it's been a while...but so much has been going on in life and I've been out living it, but something has been going through my head and I can't not say something.

I decided to give the whole online dating thing a try again. This time, though, I've joined a site specifically for Christians. You'd think that I'd meet some really great God-fearing, Jesus-following men. Nope. That's not to say that I haven't met some nice guys and men who do love Jesus (because I have), but for the most part---they've been weird. I could seriously write a book about my experiences thus far. But, that's not what's got me frustrated. No, what has me frustrated is the lack of conversational skills these and other men who aren't so weird have...or should I say don't have.

It's simple. One of us asks a question, the person responds, and asks a question themselves. Is that so hard to do? Apparently. I don't understand. Do you not want to get to know the other person? How can you do that if you don't ask any stinking questions? For example, I was chatting through messenger with this one guy and it seemed to be going well. We had a nice dialogue. Then, he had to leave so we began to email one another. Suddenly, the questions all became one-sided....I was asking and getting only 2-3 sentences back without any kind of inquiry. Now, is it that he's no longer interested and isn't comfortable or confident enough to just be honest about that? Cause if that's the case---fine! I'd rather know; it's not going to devastate me or even really cause a ripple in my life at this point. If he is interested, what's his deal? It's not as if I want to talk about myself all the time or brag about who I am and what I've done...I just want someone to show some interest, some curiosity, something. UGH. If there happen to be any men out there who are reading this let me offer some friendly advice: relationship requires some give and take. As women, we want you to know who we are...and quite frankly, the way to find out who we are is to pay attention and ask questions. Just do it!

Readying myself

I have been convicted a lot over the last several months that I am not living as I should, that I am not the person that God most wants me to be. He and I have been having many conversations about the sin in my life---the selfishness, the greediness, the overall junk that's keeping me from living out my full potential in Christ.

I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to live in the freedom, in the fullness of who God has created me to be. I want to taste and see that He is good, and that my life in Him is full. And so I've made some decisions. I've made some resolutions. I've repented and I am turning my heart more fully back to Him. I don't know exactly what this will look like in a day-to-day basis, but I know in my heart that this is what He wants for me, from me. I, too, am praying for an accountability partner---someone who can call me on my junk, and someone that I can go to when I feel like it's all becoming more than Jesus.

As you all know by now, I want to be married. I want to be in relationship with a man. But, I am realizing that as much as I want that, I am not ready. I am not a woman who would bring her heart fully alive into a marriage. I would bring baggage, fear, worry, and a whole lot of stuff that I think would make marriage even more challenging. And, so I also want to begin preparing my heart for the man that I am to be with. This goes back to what I've said above---to be the person God made me to be, to live a life full of Him. Now, I know that there is a very real possibility that I may not get married, that I may not realize this heart desire, but ultimately if I am preparing myself for marriage...aren't I pursuing the heart of Christ and isn't that what I should be doing anyhow? It's a win, win situation!

So, I am putting this out there. I want to fall deeper in love with my Savior. To do that, I need to relinquish my "control", my desires, my ways and leave them at His feet, at the Cross.

Jesus, I am sorry for the way that I have essentially been living for me. I am sorry that I have put myself ahead of You. Please forgive my selfishness and pride. Please create in me a heart that longs, that thirsts, and that follows hard after You. I want to know You more. I want to spend intimate time with You. I want to hear from You more. I want You. So, Lord, I pray that You would help me to become less so that You become More. In Jesus' name.

Makes no sense

I found out today through FB that a girl I knew briefly in treatment died yesterday after losing her battle with an eating disorder. I am feeling a myriad of emotions from shock, sadness, anger, and deep regret. I know that she fought as best she could, but in the end it wasn't enough and I am so angry on her behalf. She was so young and had so much promise. And this is just an injustice of epic proportions. I feel so sick for her family right now.

I pray that through this time of grief and mourning that our Heavenly Father would be their resting place. I pray that they would know His grace, mercy, and peace. I pray that while this makes no sense, they would be able to see God's goodness and that they would be able to share that with others.

I know that this young lady was a follower of Christ and so I know where she is spending eternity. I pray that she is now at peace, that she is enveloped in the arms of Jesus even now.

Changes and comments

Life is just a series of changes. Isn't it? You find yourself getting comfortable or settled with one thing, one way and then it suddenly changes and that thing is gone.

I was home for four months this summer and I was so surprised by how much of my hometown was different. I found myself constantly being surprised by the businesses or restaurants that were no longer open. It seemed that at least once a week I received news that something I had known or patronized for many years had suddenly shut its doors. And it was sad. It was sad to see so many things and places that I knew go by the wayside. It was disconcerting.

I am by nature an adaptive person. And while I am able to go with the flow, I find myself floundering when so much changes so quickly and so permanently. This summer I gained a niece and a brother-in-law. Don't misunderstand, these are additions that I welcome and am excited about, but they still present something of a shift in what I know and what I am rooted in. These changes were easy to accept. There have been other changes in my personal life that have been developing over the last couple of years that have been challenging. I know that there is purpose in what has been happening, but I don't know what it is. Additionally, what hasn't necessarily been easy have been the changes in my professional life as I said goodbye to a wonderful colleague and dear friend as she remained in the US rather than returning to Rome.

I knew that this change would be significant and would bring an adjustment period, but I don't think I was fully prepared for all of the ways my life would change or be affected. There are so many subtle differences this year that I find myself pulling back because the life that I knew isn't there any more....it has a foreign feel to it and leaves me feeling a shadow of what I felt like when I first arrived in Rome. And I confess that I don't quite know how to deal with it. I confess that my selfishness and stubbornness have been present in my own head and heart. I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to resist the new way things are....but I am at a loss as to how to forge ahead and how to embrace the new life that is here for me. It's a challenge for me to feel like an outsider in a place that I've considered home for the last 2 years.

In addition to all of that, there was a personnel change within the community that I live in that took me aback when I arrived back in Rome in the middle of August. A woman who I considered a friend and something of an ally would no longer be working with me directly. That was a hard blow to absorb. I looked forward to returning and seeing her smiling face everyday, conversing with her, and enjoying a sense of community with her. I know that I am now presented with an opportunity to get to know someone else, but it just seems to be a bit much when lumped with everything else.

I suppose that I felt the full weight of the difference in my life here when I had a rather unpleasant encounter with a woman who works in the same physical space that I do. I don't consider this woman a friend or even a close acquaintance of mine. Rather, she is someone who works here and someone that I have to have contact with. While I've known her for two years, she's never been a particularly nice person to myself, my students, and our guests. She's prickly. Things hit a new low this past weekend when I delivered some chocolate chip cookies to the nuns as a thank you for their help when students arrived. Rather than just accepting them and letting me leave this woman felt like it was her right, her duty to comment on my weight. There I stood in utter shock as she proceeded to tell me bluntly that I weigh too much and that I need to lose weight so that I can be pretty. She literally pointed to places on my body where she thought I needed to lose weight. The humiliation and shame that I felt washed over me so violently that I was left unable to process a clear and conscious thought in defense of myself. So, instead of saying anything to the effect that it's none of her business...I just said goodbye and returned to our side of the property as hot tears fell from my eyes. All I wanted was to retreat to my room for a good cry and then to go to my dear friend for support and comfort, but she wasn't here to offer that. And that's when the feeling of utter aloneness struck and knocked the wind out of me. I am no longer known here. I am no longer part of a dynamic duo. And I don't quite know how to reconcile that.

I don't know what God is doing in my life right now. I don't know why He's allowed SO much change all at once. I am trying to trust that what's happening is for my own good, but I fear and confess that it's easier to throw a pity party for myself in my head and heart. I can't live like this for the next three months. I need and want to get to a place of acceptance and life rather than a place of resistance and existing. I suppose this is where dying to self comes in. I suppose this is where I submit my will, my desires, and the way I think my life SHOULD be to Jesus to do with what He will with a life that's not really my own to begin with.

Heart to heart

Sharing ones heart with another usually produces one of two reactions: a sense of freedom or absolute terror. Quite frankly, I more often than not fall into the terror category. Perhaps that's why I blog. It's easier for me to share what's going on with me in the blog-osphere than it is to actually have a conversation with someone about how I'm doing, feeling.

Tonight, however, I had an amazing conversation with my sister about how I am doing with where I am at in life--relationally, professionally, and spiritually. Rather than hiding behind "I'm fine" or other vague answers, I really shared with her how I am feeling and what I am thinking. It was scary and vulnerable, but in the end I felt so much lighter--a sense of peace.  And I am left asking myself: why I don't do this more often? What am I afraid of? What do I think will happen if I share too much or share what I am really thinking with others? What would it look like if I was honest with friends when they disappoint me? What if I said to the friend who made a big deal about getting together with me before I left for Rome, but then never doing anything to make that happen--though I've been home for 4 months and that's quite a lot of time for someone to make the 1.5 hour trip to Tucson--that I was really hurt and felt rejected? What would it look like if I was honest and said that I am excited to get back to Rome though I know my family doesn't want me to leave?

I don't know. I don't know what would happen in those relationships where I've been settling for crumbs and accepting what I can get from people because I am afraid to want or ask for more out of a fear of rejection. Are those real friendships then if they fall apart because I'm being real? I would say no, they're not.

I believe that we are all called into relationship with one another and with God through Christ. And being in relationship is about being real with who you are---transparent, vulnerable, and open. I like knowing that my sister now understands me better and understands where I need prayer and support. There's a sense of being known and wanted regardless of what I shared. Granted, I shared with my sister and I can pretty much guarantee that she loves me no matter what, but I think I want to pursue this kind of relationship with my friends as well.

I recently wrote a card to my best friend thanking her for being the kind of friend that I could trust, being the kind of friend who made an effort to spend time with me, being the kind of friend that allowed me to really be me---warts and all. It was so freeing and such a gift to remember our 16 year friendship and all that we've been through together. I am so thankful for her and the gift that is our friendship.

Where are you at? Are you able to really share who you are, what you're feeling, or what's going on in your life with those around you? Or are you scared that if you do that that you'll be rejected, ignored, or found lacking? I challenge you to open yourself up and share with those around you. Word vomit is not necessary, but honesty and vulnerability is. Go for it. Next time someone asks you how you're doing, why don't you really tell them how you're doing rather than the perfunctory "I'm fine." You may be surprised by what the Lord has for you...

Putting myself out there...

I am back. It's been two and a half months since my last entry, but if you had any inkling as to what has happened in these last 2.5 months you would understand why I haven't been able to blog. Still, I am ready to write. And my first post back: online dating.

Yep, I've taken the plunge into the world of online dating. I still don't know why I did it exactly. It's certainly something that I've thought about doing, but thought it was something that I would wait to get into once I was back in the States permanently. I don't think it's fair to me or to another person to begin something and then leave for three months, come back for one, and leave for another 5. Somehow I don't think that's the healthiest way to start a relationship. And yet, I created an online profile on Friday and joined a dating site. It was almost like an out of body experience because I don't know what I was thinking or why I decided to do it, but I suspect that watching "Say Yes to the Dress" in the afternoons, helping my sister plan her June wedding, and hanging out with my new niece may have contributed to my temporary insanity.

Online dating. Sigh. From what I understand the stigma that used to be attached to Internet dating isn't there  anymore, but I still find the whole thing a little disconcerting. I mean in a way it's meant to be a lot less vulnerable than say going to a bar or something, but I find it incredibly vulnerable. I mean people are looking at information and pictures of you and then deciding whether or not they want to send you some questions. If your picture isn't flattering or your profile isn't great, then you get rejected by multiple people at one time. Ouch!

So...here's where I'm at with this. I am terrified. I feel so exposed and I hate it. You would think after my last post I wouldn't venture into something like this just yet, but I'm rather impulsive and just don't think things through first. This being one of those times. A whole lot of stuff is coming up with this "experiment" of mine. Let's hope it doesn't blow up in my face....