Wishes and wands

My goddaughter, Madison, is probably the cutest kid I know. She's 5 and is a spit fire. She keeps me on my toes. I adore her and she adores me. So, I wasn't really surprised when I arrived in Wisconsin on Wednesday morning and my mom told me how excited Maddie was to see me. My heart was warmed and I couldn't wait to see her. That's when I found out what was waiting for me.

"She thinks you're her fairy godmother and she's been saving up her wishes," my mom told me. "She said you had to have a wand. So, grandma and I went to three stores looking for a wand. We couldn't find one, so we made one." That's when she handed me the homemade wand...a long wooden stick covered in iridescent ribbon with more ribbon tacked to the top. It would suffice.

I walked into my uncle and aunt's house and was immediately attacked. "Christopher! My fairy godmawter!" Maddie cried out in her own special language. Man! I love that kid. She asked me about my wand and I showed it to her.  I waved it around a couple of times with great flair. When I was done she asked me if she could see it. I told her that it only worked if you really, really believed. So, she solemnly took it from me and waved it around. She put it down to her side and looked to her left and right as her little face fell into the most pathetic and heart wrenching expression. "It dawsn't worrk," she said. "Sure it does," I told her. "No. If it does, where's my hawt tub? I believed wreally haard."

It took everything in me not to burst out laughing. She truly believed that the wand would bring her a hot tub. I later learned her other wishes were a gold limo and a mansion made of gold. Oh my....I love my little Maddie. She's magic.

Goodbye for now

My Aunt Barb fought cancer bravely and valiantly for 18 years. She lost her battle today. My mom called me this morning with the news and while it was to be expected, especially after the last several weeks, it is still somewhat shocking. It's hard for my feeble human mind to grasp death and to understand that she is no longer here. I can't really comprehend that.

I love my aunt. She was the "balls" of the family...sorry, I don't know how else to describe it. She called a spade a spade and wasn't afraid to tell you like it is. This is not how things are typically done on that side of the family...you keep your mouth shut, don't rock the boat. But, not Barb. You could always count on her to tell you when you were being a brat or that you should choose this and not that. And for that, I loved her. She was also fiercely loyal and supportive. She screamed out loud over the phone when I told her I got the job in Italy and was so excited for me. She called me Kris and was the only person that I really let call me that. She always encouraged me to write and would be my editor when I would send her stuff. She was a brave, powerful, devoted, and amazing woman. I am blessed for having had her in my life as long as I did. 

What was even more incredible was being given the extreme blessing of doing a Bible study with her this past summer over email. I learned so much more about her and God through our study together. It is because of this I know that I will see her again. She is with Jesus today. When she took her last breath here on earth and closed her eyes, she reopened them in Glory. She is with the Father and walking with Jesus. There is so much peace that comes with that. Yes, I miss her and wish I could see her again. Yes, her daughters are in pain because they've lost their mom and I am in pain for them, but I also know that our goodbye is only temporary and that I will see her again. She is no longer in pain...is no longer in a broken and beat up body. Rather, every tear has been wiped from her eyes and she has seen the glory of the One and Only. In all honesty, I am a bit jealous at that truth...to be with Jesus and not here sounds better every day. 

As I was praying in church this morning it kind of hit me that as I talked with Jesus, He was with my Auntie Barb. So I said "Jesus, give her a hug and kiss for me. Tell her I love her and I'll see her again." Thank you God for my aunt and for the life she led. Thank you that she is now home.

Pinch me

I am uploading photos to my new computer and images from my last trip to Rome flashed past me. And it hit me. I am moving. To Rome. Italy. Holy cow?! Seriously? That doesn't seem possible. 

I can't wait....

Wow. Really?

I spent 45 minutes on the phone last night with Cox Communications because my internet hasn't been working for the last day and a half. They checked my modem and my connections from their office and said that it appeared on their end that everything was in working order and perhaps it was my actual computer. Frustrated, I hung up the phone and met a friend for a movie.

I came home hoping that my modem was magically working and I could connect...but nope. And that's when it hit me. I had to unplug my mouse the other day because it was being tempermental. In fact, I just yanked it from the back of the tower...I wonder....WOW. Really? I seriously spent 45 minutes on the phone with Cox when I could have just looked behind my tower and discover that I'd unconnected my modem from my computer. Yeah....wow...typical. Dum-da-dum. :)

Hadassah

I am the kind of person who often finds themselves wishing that they could be the characters in fiction. I lose myself in who they are and wish fervently that I could trade places with them...they embody so much of what I want to be, who I want to be, and what I want to have.

I just finished, for the umpteenth time, reading the first two books of Francine Rivers' Mark of the Lion series. The series follows the story of a young Christian slave, Hadassah, and the Roman family she serves, the Valerians, in ancient Rome. In her own estimation, Hadassah is weak. She feels that she lacks the strength and courage to overtly share her faith with the lost family. She tells her mistress, Julia, stories from Scripture and sings to her psalms without ever really speaking the name of Christ. For this, she feels inadequate. Yet, what draws me is not what she perceives to be her weakness, but what is her strength. She loves Jesus and serves Him alone without apology. Every thing that she does is in response to who He is and who she is in Him. Her faith is alive and strong. And when she is tested, she does not deny Him, but rather proclaims His name and lordship despite the impending death she is about to face because of her faith. And when all is said and done the entire family is saved and redeemed. For this, I want to be her.

I want this type of faith. I want to serve out of my relationship with Christ...to love and live as she did because of Jesus. I know that this is fiction and, as such, faith like this is easier said than done, but I have to believe that it exists. I can't believe that the faith this character has isn't an offspring of the author's own faith journey or the revelation of men and women in the Bible. I crave the kind of faith and relationship that Hadassah had with Jesus with every fiber of my being. I found myself on my knees last night asking God for this kind of faith...to know Him and have relationship with Him as this non-existent person did.

That's the first reason I want to be Hadassah....the second is Marcus.

Oh. Marcus. WOW. Not only do I often wish to be fictional characters, but I often wish to be loved and desired as they are. I know it's fiction and real life is more complicated and muddied, but to be loved by someone like Marcus and as Marcus loves Hadassah...well, please Lord!

Marcus is a proud and lost man. He seeks pleasure from everywhere and everything. It is through his interactions with Hadassah and the Holy Spirit working in his life that he falls for her. He falls madly in love with her not because of what she has or what she looks like. Hadassah is described in the book as unremarkable...unlovely...and yet to him, she is the most beautiful creature. It is apparent that this beauty does not come from the external, but the internal. It is the beautiful and sweet Spirit of God that makes her beautiful...lovely...desirable. I want this! I want a man to see me, despite of my appearance, as beautiful because of who God is within me.

In the second book everyone thinks that Hadassah is dead because Julia had her fed to the lions. Instead, God has spared her life and is using her. Her encounter with the lions has left her crippled and disfigured. Because of this she does not reveal her true identity to Marcus. She remains veiled out of shame at her appearance and because she does not believe herself to be beautiful. And yet, when her face is unveiled he does not see her scars...he sees her beauty. "You are more beautiful to me than any woman in the world," he said huskily, "and more precious than all the gold of a thousand ships."

Is this possible? Is it possible to be found beautiful despite our physical flaws? I want to know that kind of love. I want to be beautiful to someone despite how I look...I want to be beheld like that. Does that exist in men today? Or ever? Or am I trying to live in a fantasy world....?

Timing

So, as I hit post on my last blog I also opened my email in another window. My dad sent me an email with a Scripture that he received today. Here it is:

Do not let the book of the Lord depart from your mouth. Meditate on it day and night, so you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you be strong and courageous, do not be terrified, Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Ha ha ha ha! The LORD is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. He knows better than anyone what I need in any given moment and freely gives it to me. While the temptation hasn't subsided, it is manageable. Thank you, Jesus.

Not again

It seems to me that sometimes my life is stuck on repeat. I repeat the same bad decisions...something I see/hear triggers something in me again and my reaction is repeated...again. I am sick of it. I am sick of having to fight so much all the time. To keep from repeating the same patterns.

It amazes me that though our enemy isn't omniscient, omnipresent, or omnipotent he knows exactly how to tempt me...how to get me to trip over myself and fall flat on my face. How is that? How does he know me so well? What have I done to aid him? How is it that one picture, one harmless little picture can send me spiraling into my own hell?

UGH. I hate the devil.