Feelings

This is a week of goodbyes. It's where I start leaving my life in the US behind and prepare for my European adventure. 

Currently, I am sitting in the Denver airport after a great long weekend with my sisters and bro-in-law. It's perhaps the last time I will see my sister, Megan, until Christmas. We said goodbye at the departure curb.  I had fully intended and expected that this would be emotional. I wanted to cry as I said my goodbye to Megan, but instead I did what I always do and suppressed the tears. This could have been a huge step in my recovery. To feel and be ok with feeling. Instead, I bottled it up and began to feel it when I was alone.

This was the first in a long list of sad things that I am going to have to go through in the coming months and I don't want to be on autopilot any more. I want to be able to be in the moment and be present for whatever emotions are going to come. Isn't that part of humanity? Aren't emotions a gift from God? Didn't He wire us to partake in them? I just don't want to check out anymore. I want to feel sad, happy, angry...I want to be able to cry. I want to be able to walk into my emotions and not hide from them any more. 

BFF...not

I was going through some stuff tonight as I was packing and came across this notebook that my best friend from Jr. high/high school and I kept. We would write notes in it to one another and trade it back and forth between classes. I took some time to read through it and it brought a lot of stuff up.

Kim and I were inseparable from the 7th grade until just before our sophomore year. We were ridiculously close. If she wasn't at my house, I was at hers. If we weren't together, we were on the phone. I was closer to her than I was to my sisters at that point. Then, just before our sophomore year started, I'm talking like the day before, she just stopped talking to me. That was it. She never said two words to me again. One day we were joined at the hip and the next she didn't look at me, didn't even acknowledge that I was alive. 

Since then all of my girlfriends have had to bear the burden of that relationship. I have a hard time trusting girlfriends, I feel threatened when they form other friendships, etc.  I don't think that I ever got over that incredibly painful loss. There was a time earlier this year that I was feeling "threatened" and my friend looked at me and said: "Kristen. I am not Kim Luce. Please don't punish me for what she did." WOW. That hit a nerve, to say the least. 

So what I had decided to do tonight was go to the last page of this notebook and "write" Kim a note and just kind of rid myself of all the hurt and anger I still have buried down deep. I was looking forward to it and dreading it all at the same time. Instead, I decided to look for her on Facebook. There she was. She looks almost exactly the same. She's married now. (Of course she is! ) Part of me just wants to write this note and let it go. Part of of me wants to message her. I don't know.  What would be the point? What if she didn't respond? Would that open up a-barely-healed wound all over again? 

How is it that 16 years later this still affects me so profoundly?  Here I am 31 years old, have incredible friends who love me, have lived a pretty amazing life, and yet I am having a physical reaction to seeing her picture and looking through an inane notebook. My heart is racing and I feel queasy. I feel like I am 15 all over again and have lost my best friend for who knows why. 

Do I confront my past head on or deal with it on my own? 

Avoidance

OMG. I have so much to do around my house that I have frozen...I can't do anything. There is so much crap everywhere. Where did I get all of this? 

I don't want to do anything but play on my computer. Ugh...too much to do...not enough time.

Blizzard pie and chip dip...

I love my birthday. Seriously. I am not just saying that. It's pretty much my favorite day of the year. I drive everyone I know nuts because I start counting down in January...not even kidding about that. So, here I am as an adult sitting in my parent's kitchen as my mom prepares for my birthday dinner tomorrow night and I know why I am a little overboard when it comes to the big b-day. 

My mom, for as long as I can remember, has always made a big deal out of our birthdays. She has always made it a special day for us...a day where we are celebrated and rejoiced over. When we were little, and even now when we're home for a birthday, she would decorate the kitchen eating area the night before so that when we would awake there would be streamers and balloons hanging from the light fixture with homemade signs taped to the walls. When we were in school, she would pick us up at lunch and we would get to choose where she would take us for lunch. None of the other moms did that for my friends' birthdays. Then, we would get to decide if we wanted to go out for dinner or if we wanted her to cook us something special. We also got to choose our dessert. 

Birthdays were those special times where not only did we get our mom to ourselves for a little bit, but also when my parents just loved on us. And so I think that's what it is. I think that's why I love my birthday...because I feel loved every year. That's not to say that I don't feel loved by family any other day of the year, but it's just that it's almost magical on my birthday. It's as if I am the only kid in the world. Or maybe it's just that I am an attention hog and so I love the focus on me! :) No...it's definitely more because I just feel beloved...special...wanted...and celebrated. Don't we all want to feel that way by someone? I know that God loves us all this way, but sometimes it's just nice to see and feel the tangible expressions of that kind of love. 

So, forgive me if I go a little crazy as April 16 approaches...it just happens to be my day and the day that reminds me that I am and always be my parent's little girl.

And by the way...6 days left! 

Reflections

Today was one of those days where good and bad collide. I can't say today was a good day and yet, I can't say it was  a bad day either.

It was a good day because I was blessed with the opportunity to bear witness to two of my student leaders humbling themselves before one another and ask for and grant forgiveness for something that no one remembers what really happened. It was a good day because one of my leader's last events was a success. It was a good day because I got to be with people I love.

It was a crappy day because it was my last official event and I admit that I am sad. It was a crappy day because I just got off the phone with one of my leaders who is hurting and I really can't do anything about it. She has been one of the most special individuals in my life this year and it breaks my heart that she can't see that for herself. That she questions who she is, whether people like her, whether she has done a good job, and the one that kills me the most....that she is feeling complacent in her relationship with Christ. I can tell her everyday until Christ returns how incredible she is and how much she is loved by me, her friends, our community and Jesus, but unless she believes it for herself it doesn't matter much.

I feel like I've done a really good job with my girls this year in terms of challenging them to be who they were created to be...to pursue who it is that God is calling them to be. This has looked like calling them out when things need to be brought into the light, being their cheerleader when they need one, and loving them in all things. royally in one area. I do not feel that I did the best when it came to encouraging them and challenging them in their walks with the Lord.  I feel like I have failed them in that because of my own complacent heart. It's hard to pour into them in that way when I feel as if I am bone dry myself. And for that I do have regrets.

No matter what else I have done or should have done with them this year what I would have liked for them to say about me at the end of the year was that I challenged them to pursue God with everything they are. I can't help but feel like I missed the big picture and a giant opportunity to use this time with the women I was entrusted with for more....

I don't know. It's very possible that I am just feeling emotional and weepy because I want to be able to fix things for people and because I have so much going on in my own life. Or maybe this is God speaking to me and for once I just need to shut up and listen.

Last event

Tonight's my last event for my current job. Weird!! 

I don't know how I feel about it just yet. I know I don't want to go, but that's just because I'm tired and want to go to sleep....that's all and that's normal. 

We'll see how I'm feeling after....

Freedom

Do you remember that scene in Braveheart when Mel Gibson's character was trying to inspire his troops before battle and at the very end he yells out "they may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom?" Got it in your head? Maybe morph it a little and see him not so much in Scotland, but in an office. Maybe morph it again and not see Mel, but me...and that's about how my day went.

I had been dreading this week for some time because I would 1) have to deal with the reality that I wouldn't be in my job next year and thus meet the person who may replace me and 2) tell my boss when my last day is. 

I have been dreading #1 because for me goodbyes and my leaving have never been good. Ultimately, I have been forgotten and replaced...and that scares me. I know I have mentioned this a lot the last couple of weeks and I don't want to feel this way, but I do. I know intellectually that this isn't the case, but emotionally is another story. However, I met the guy...and I have nothing to worry about. He has nothing on  me personally. I don't mean that arrogantly or pridefully, rather I just mean that I will leave my own legacy and what God has done through me can't be reversed or erased.

I have been dreading #2 because well, let's face it, my boss is a jerk and I didn't want to deal with his head games. So, I went in to tell him and he didn't care. I was worried for nothing. 

It's a liberating feeling to feel this free. I feel as if the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. I give all glory and honor to Jesus because without Him...I could not have made it through. He has been my rock and my safe harbor. I love him and am so thankful. 

I also have to thank my friends for supporting me, praying for me, loving me, and encouraging me. They're amazing....I am better for having them in my life. 

So, as I head to bed I can rest in the knowledge that this week was a blessing in disguise...I got to see and feel God's peace, I got to trust my friend's with my heart....and I have tasted the sweetness of FREEDOM!!!!