Idea

A friend of mine just emailed me and asked me to recommend a Bible study for her to do with a girl that she's mentoring at church who is single and desires a husband. As I thought about it I couldn't come up with one decent study or one decent book, for that matter, on the subject. What's up with that? There are so many books and studies dedicated to marriage, but what about being single? Nope....nothing. So, that got me thinking. What if I wrote something about being single? Heck, if anyone knows anything about being single it's me. I'm practically an expert on the subject.

So, I'm going to think and pray about it. If you, my loyal 2 or 3 readers, think about it would you pray as well? Maybe this is where how my writing is supposed to be serve others....

Missed opportunity

How many times do we miss out on something because we give in to fear? We give in to that voice that tells us that we will be rejected, we can't do it, we.....whatever it may say it ends up scaring us out of risking, putting ourselves out there. And what? So we kept ourselves "safe" for a time, but we also kept ourselves from something that could have been to our benefit, could have been wonderful.

How do you put yourself out there despite the fear that you're going to fail/face rejection/etc? A former student told me recently that she's put her fear about embarrassing herself in front of others to the side because after all, she's never going to see "xxxx" again so what's the big deal? Such wise words from someone still so young. If only I could do that. And perhaps my impending adventure will force me to do that...to set aside my fear and just go for it because after all I'll never see "xxxx" again so why fear embarrassment/rejection/or whatever fear is holding me back?


I just missed out on something that may or may not have been anything...but I'll never know because I didn't just go for it. I'm kicking myself now and wish that I had been a bit bolder, braver. I'll never know what might have been. I suppose, though, that if I've really learned my lesson, if I've matured, I will take what I have learned (disappointment, frustration with myself) and not repeat the same mistake in the future. I just hope when this or a similar situation presents itself I will remember this moment of annoyance and won't experience a moment of amnesia instead....sigh.

Life interrupted

I was looking forward to today. My boss and his family were taking me into downtown Pit to go to the strip district, an area of town that has lots of farmer's and international markets. It was going to be a good day. And in some ways it was, but in another way it wasn't....not at all.

On the way into the city my boss shared some very sad news. The son of a colleague of ours killed himself on Wed. His family didn't find out until yesterday after his mom couldn't get a hold of him. He was manic depressive and suffered from PTSD. He'd been struggling a lot the last couple of months to the point where his mom had to leave suddenly 2 weeks ago to be with him. I cannot even imagine the pain she and her family are feeling right now.

My heart is breaking for her and his brothers. I do not know what to do, what to offer them. It's at times like this when words just won't do and really there's nothing that can be done to ease the pain. I suppose, and hope, that the old adage that time heals all wounds holds true though the pain will never fully be erased.

I know that many people out there cannot fathom what would cause a person to take their own life, especially when they have family that love them. Until one goes through the dark hell that is depression, one can never understand. One cannot understand that somehow the brain twists things around and you actually believe that by taking your own life you are not only doing yourself a favor, but putting your family out of its misery. You actually believe this, or at least that's what I believed when I thought of it. Of course that's not true and what is left behind is worse, but depression blinds the brain to the rational and only offers a lie instead. I am so thankful today that I didn't put my family through that.

I am praying for my friend and her family. I do not know how the Lord will come through in this, their darkest moment, but trust that because He is good and He is love that He will. If you think of it, please pray for this family. More than ever they need it and need Jesus.

Common ground

I had dinner with one of the RDs the other night and I was so blessed. It wasn't just because I was getting some much needed girl time, but it was more than that. I know that the Lord put me on her floor for a reason. She understands something about me that most people can't...my singleness.

Most of my friends and family can relate to a certain point. They can tell me that they know what it is/was like to be single so they know where I'm coming from, but having been single for a short time in your teens or early 20s is where the similarities end. Yes, they have at one point been single, but I am chronically single. What does it mean to be chronically single? It means that after 32 years I haven't had a boyfriend, haven't had a first kiss, and haven't even ever been asked out on a date. Ok, I joke that I had my first kiss in preschool and my last relationship was with Ben Garthwaite in the 5th grade, I joke that I peaked in the 5th grade and, while that's all true, I don't actually count that as having experienced what my friends and family have. My friends, family, and many acquaintances, mean well when they tell me they know what's it like, but the truth is they don't have a freaking clue. There's something so utterly different from on one hand having been single, but having had dated and on the other hand having never dated, never having anyone show any interest in you in that way. They are in no way the same. And no amount of attempting to empathize will ever allow anyone to know what it feels like unless they themselves have been there....enter Sarah, the RD.

She is in her late 20s and has her first boyfriend. She'd never dated or even come close before him. Another chronic singleton. God brought us together because there's something comforting in knowing that you're not alone, that there are other people out there who know what you're feeling and aren't just trying to imagine that they do, but really do. It was so freeing being able to talk to her and not have to explain...she just gets it. She knows what it is to be content with being single because for whatever reason this is what God has for the moment, but she also knows what it is to feel like there's an aching hole inside of you the size of the Grand Canyon because everyone around you seems to be experiencing something you cannot relate to, but want to with your whole being.

I go through these highs and lows when it comes to being single, acceptance and hating it. It seems that being alone here in Beaver Falls has intensified that hating it phase. I suppose it hasn't helped that I keep hearing things like "I can't wait to hear about how you met your husband in Italy" or "Wait till you meet your Italian Stallion" or "I know you're going to meet the 'One' in Italy." I know that everyone means well, but truth be told it is the opposite of helpful. I had the chance to talk to Sarah about this the other night and was blessed by our conversation. Because she's coming from common ground, a shared perspective, she knows what it is that I need to hear now and how to minister to me. She was able to share with me how God used similar experiences in her life. I am able to accept this from her because she truly does know what it's like. It's a gift to be able to share this with her. I am grateful that I have had the opportunity to meet her, to hear her story, and to be able to watch what God has for her. I am thankful for her and for the gift that God has given me in our time together. He has an uncanny way of knowing exactly what He's doing....LOL.

Everywhere

It seems to me that ever since going to treatment for my eating disorder my eyes have been opened to the bondage that so many are in with regards to food, dieting, compulsive exercising, etc. I mean I know before I went in that I was aware of it, but now it's almost like I am hyperaware and sometimes it becomes downright overwhelming.

It saddens me so much when I see friends or people that I know caught up in it all. It frustrates me when they and others seem to be obsessed when there's more to life. And it angers me that I get hooked by all of their junk. When they make comments or other stuff I feel my own shame welling up. It's as if by what they say about themselves or food/body image/dieting in general turns a spotlight on me and all of my stuff is exposed.

I know this isn't true. I have dealt with my stuff and they will have to deal with theirs, but I just wish that I didn't have to battle with something quite so widespread because it's hard to find some peace when it seems as if the whole world is forcing you to look at it all of the time.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. Bottom line: I'm tired of fighting an uphill battle when it seems as if everywhere I turn someone is throwing it back in my face.

Enough already

I am the type of person who when I see something that I want, or think that I want it, I can't get it out of my head no matter how much I try to talk myself out of it. It happens in almost every facet of my life. When I see a pair of shoes I want, but know that I really can't afford them or I don't need them...well, I obsesss over them for days later until I either cave in and buy them or just drive myself nuts. I really have never been good at waiting. That whole delayed gratification thing is lost on me.

There's something that I want right now and I can't have it and it's seriously putting me over the edge of sanity. I'm finding it hard to focus and get past it and it's really pissing me off. If I were braver or able to be a little more vulnerable, I would post what it is that's driving me nuts. But as it is, it's way too embarrassing. If this stupidity doesn't end soon, I'm either going to scream or flat out crack. Either way, Lord, please, please, please let me have some peace!!! :)

Writing

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, thanks in part to my sister who has let me read and download the books she's bought on ebooks.com. So, I've been reading a lot and all of that reading has gotten my creative juices flowing.

Instead of reading on Tuesday night I began to write. It has been so long since I've had an original idea or had any real direction when it comes to my writing, but once I put my hands to the keyboard they took off. A story is developing and I have no idea where it's going, but it feels great. It feels natural. 

I have been wanting to write for so long, but not having anything to say has made that hard. I just hope this is the beginning and the story that I know is buried deep finds its way to the surface.