Too funny

I was nervous as anything today knowing that I was going to have to tell 'him' that I wasn't interested in seeing him anymore. I prayed all morning that God would intervene and would speak through me or do whatever He needed to do...hahahaha....never did I think that meant that 'he' wouldn't show up at all!

We were supposed to meet at 2:30. Well...2:35: no guy....2:40: no guy and no text....2:45: same....2:50: same...2:55: same. 3:00: I left.  I figured a half an hour was long enough to wait without any sort of communication. I asked a friend if I was supposed to call/text him to see where he was, but she said that at this stage I wasn't...it was all on him. So. I was stood up. Hahahahaha. I suppose that under normal circumstances this would be fairly embarrassing and I wouldn't be sharing it with the blogging world, but under these circumstances...well, I'm somewhat relieved.

I suppose that if these last two weeks have taught me anything it's that I will more than likely get a text message of some sort, but I'm not worried now. While I will  be considerate of his feelings because that's who I am and that's who God has called me to be...I won't beat around the bush. Finito.

Thank you Lord for all that you're teaching me through this. May I carry this lesson on to the next time....hahahaha.

Take My Life and Let It Be

1. Take my life and let it be
   consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
   Take my moments and my days,
   let them flow in ceaseless praise.
   Take my hands and let them move
   at the impulse of Thy love.
   Take my feet and let them be
   swift and beautiful for Thee.
   
   Take my voice and let me sing
   always, only for my King.
   Take my lips and let them be
   filled with messages from Thee.
   Take my silver and my gold
   not a mite would I withhold.
   Take my intellect and use
   every power as You choose.
   
   ::Chorus::
   Here am I, all of me.
   Take my life, it's all for Thee.
   
   Take my will and make it Thine
   it shall be no longer mine.
   Take my heart it is Thine own
   it shall be Thy royal throne.
   Take my love, my Lord I pour
   at Your feet its treasure store
   Take myself and I will be
   ever, only, all for Thee.
   Take myself and I will be
   ever, only, all for Thee.
   
   Here am I, all of me.
   Take my life, it's all for Thee.
   x3
   
   (Take my life, Lord take my life. Take all of me)
   
   Here am I, all of me.
   Take my life, it's all for Thee.
2. Frances R. Havergal, 1874 and Chris Tomlin
3. 
   

Learning

In my last post I asked God what it was that He was trying to teach me through my experience with the 'guy'. Honesty. That's what He's teaching me. Honesty.

What makes me so sure? Or why do I think this? Oh. Could it be because I received another text today asking me to go to coffee this afternoon? Yep. That's what happened. It happened cause I left the door open rather than closing it. So, now what to do? Here's what I'm going to do: I am going to meet him for coffee tomorrow and tell him in person. Isn't that going to suck? Yeah, it is. But! If I'd been honest from the get go the other day, I wouldn't be in this position now.

So, tomorrow I am going to be honest and tell him that I am just not interested. Lord, give me the words and the strength. I promise that from here on out....I will be honest!!!

Ciao....ok, not quite

So, I chickened out. I did. I didn't mean to, but I did. Sigh....

 I had an out today when 'he' asked me to dinner for tomorrow night. I couldn't go and I told him. Then, about 10 minutes later I received a text that essentially said: "Ah, I understand. You don't want to see me any more." Yes! I should have responded with..."Well, yes. I am headed home next week and I just don't think we have anything in common." What did I do instead? I wrote back: "I'm sorry, but it's just bad timing...my friends are here from the States, I'm leaving for home next week, and I'm busier than I thought I'd be." Granted, this is all true....it's jut not the whole truth. I thought that that would be it. Nope.

"Are you coming back?"

"Yes, in September."

"I'll see you in September maybe."

No! No maybe...but I left that door open because I was too afraid to close it...I didn't want to hurt him. UGH! Isn't it going to hurt more by letting him think that there's a future here? I should think so. I've been told so.

Here's what I'm thinking, though...I leave. I come back in September and by that time he will have forgotten all about me. It's possible, but still. I needed to step up and do what was right.

Sometimes that thing that you ask for and pray for for so long turns out to be the opposite of what you want or like. I've asked Jesus for so long for this opportunity and I get it (granted, not with "the" guy, but still) and it stinks. It's unnerving. It shows you how vulnerable we are as people. In all truth I admire him and respect him for putting himself out there...for having the courage to approach a complete stranger and start a conversation. Shouldn't I then reciprocate that vulnerability by letting him know that it's not happening? Sheesh....

On top of all this, I need to go back now and rewrite parts of a book I'm writing on singlehood plus add a whole new chapter. Always learning. Always going forward. Life. That's what this is. A great big life lesson....ok. What are you trying to teach me Lord? :)

Being the bad guy

Since my last post I have gone out once more with the 'guy'. The second date was definitely more awkward than the first, in my opinion. There were several moments where silence loomed before us, neither knowing what to say, and there were several moments when we could not communicate to the other what we wanted to say because of the language barrier. Then, there were a couple of moments where our cultural differences became even more apparent when something happened that to him was acceptable and to me was not simply because we're coming from two different cultural perspectives.

Personally, I thought that the last time we went out would be it and I would be spared from having to tell him that I wasn't interested in seeing him again in any way, shape, or form. (He's a nice enough guy, but we have nothing in common and so there's no point in continuing any sort of relationship.) As if it would be that easy...

He texted me today to see if I wanted to grab coffee, but I was busy with friends who came to visit from the States. Now I am left wondering what to say to him, how to communicate to him that I don't want to see him anymore. I'm trying to figure out how to navigate this whole dating thing and it's hard enough without having to add cultural differences to the mix, but that's what God has for me in this moment. For once I seem to be at a loss for words or what to even say. So, I guess it's up to me to be the 'bad guy' and put an end to all this...eek. I've never been good at that sort of thing in my own life.

As my friend, Heidi, pointed out today, though....it's a great story nonetheless.

Makes sense

Dating. A natural phenomenon for everyone. Or at least for everyone, but me. For much of my adult life when it comes to dating I have felt like a kid who has pressed her nose against the candy store window looking at all the sweet treats, but unable to indulge. That is, until now.

I had my first date today and I have to say...I now know why God protected me from this. I do not like it! There's too much pressure and as someone with a sensitive heart I know that I was not cut out for all this dating stuff! I was a nervous wreck beforehand and during. Granted, it was a date with someone whose first language is not the same as mine, but still...it was completely unsettling. I understand now why in His wisdom the Lord spared me these roller coaster feelings/emotions...dating is hard.

Dilema

A friend and I had a lovely evening out tonight. We went and saw a movie and then followed that up with a yummy Thai meal. (I'm at the place where if I have any more pizza or pasta I may throw up.) She left me off at the bus stop and went on home.

The ride was just like any other bus ride...a little too fast around the corners and throw-the-brakes-on-so-everyone-goes-flying-forward kind of driving. I exited at my stop and a guy around my age got off at the same time.  I started to walk up my street when he asked me a question in Italian. Of course, I have no idea what he asked me as my Italian is elementary at best. So, he began to chat with me in English. He asked me where I was from, what am I doing here in Rome...basic questions. And I was completely unprepared with how to handle the situation as I've never been in this situation before.

When all was said and done he asked me for my phone number and whether or not we could meet at the corner bar (that's what coffee shops in Italy are called). I wasn't comfortable giving him my number, nor do I know it after 8 months of living here, and I wasn't comfortable meeting him without thinking about it/praying about it first. So, in the end he gave me his number and told me to call him. And that's where I find myself now. Uncharted territory for me. I don't have a clue what to do.

On the one hand I am flattered and kinda-sorta giddy that I have finally been asked out, but on the other hand I'm in a foreign culture and don't have a clue as to how to handle this situation. What to do? What to do?