Filters

Whether most of us realize it or not we live out of what we have experienced in life. This includes the good, bad, and ugly. Truth is our reactions to things often come out of how we've experienced such things in our past. We all have a filter that life and what happens to us goes through. And sometimes that means that we too are the recipients of other people's filters. Often times the reactions that people have towards us or what we do or say is really a reaction to something that happened to them earlier and not a reflection of us at all.

My dad was the fat kid. He was the one that everyone teased and called butter ball. It breaks my heart to hear the stories of those days and it is so easy for me to see how his life is filtered through that experience. He has a tremendous fear of gaining weight and to some extent food itself. He is constantly trying out new diets and work outs as a way to not revisit that painful past. What has happened as a result of not dealing with that junk, of not facing it head on, is that he has passed some of that on to his daughters, on to me. I can see so clearly how my own struggle with my weight is a product of his experience. He was so afraid for himself and not able to reconcile what he went through vs. who he really is that he has put a tremendous amount of emphasis on how I look...whether I am overweight or not. He has pushed me for nearly 25 years to exercise and "eat right." So much of my life has been made to focus on the external. And I can now say with some assurance that it isn't really about me...it's about that little boy who was teased, taunted, and made to feel less than because of how he looked. And yet, I am the one who has to deal with the fallout of that because that's how he filters his life.

Today he again brought up exercise and how important it is for me to "start a healthy exercise routine" so that I can "feel good and be happy." I asked him what his motivation for bringing this subject up was, a subject that I have told him on numerous occasions is not permissible because of his own prejudices and filter. His response was "because I don't think you have much time left." Yep...because I'm going to die soon because I don't exercise regularly enough for what he thinks I should be doing. At that point, I got up and left the room. He attempted to apologize, but it was an apology that to me isn't real. He feels badly that he hurt my feelings, but refuses to take responsibility for the thinking/filter that prompted that statement in the first place. Inevitably he will say something like that again because that's what he believes deep down inside. We sat at a park for over an hour afterwards in silence because he was unable to hear me. Yes, he listened to what I had to say...but that's it. Listening and hearing are not the same thing. Hearing requires action on someones part....processing what has been said and then making a decision on how to proceed. Listening just requires that your ears are in working order. He listens. He doesn't hear. What I need from him is to hear. To hear how he makes me feel when he says those things. I wasn't there when those kids made fun of him and made him feel less than....but I know how he felt because that's how I feel when he says what he says.

I'm trying not to internalize it. I have done a lot of work to get to where I am, to accept that what I look like does not determine who I am or whether or not I can be happy. I am not confined by my body and what shape it takes. I just wish that he could accept that and accept me as I am....

Ah. There's so much I want to say about this and cannot. There are not enough words in my vocabulary or the English language for that matter to properly explain myself or the condition of my heart. I can, however, offer an example...if you haven't seen the movie Penelope...see it. It's a great picture of what happens when we and our family limit our potential and life in general to what we look like on the outside. It's excruciating and freeing all at the same time...

Space and time...

is all it takes to gain some perspective...and utilize the skills I learned in treatment.

They talked a lot about sitting with your emotions and riding the wave...that they'll come in strong and then ebb out. It's true..they do. And they do go back out and you can gain some clarity.

The urge has passed and the taunts have stopped. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for Your Strength and Protection. Thank you that you brought to mind what I have learned and helped me to see it through. Thanks for letting me go through that...I am stronger than I thought.

About that time....

Like clockwork every New Year’s my mom gets introspective and decides to share with me some things that the Lord has been showing her. Usually, these are things related to my health and weight. And every year, like clock work, she emails me what she’s thinking and every year, like clock work, I end up in tears and angry over what she’s said.

It’s been a year since my last behavior and almost as long since I’ve even had an urge, but right now I just want to say screw it and numb out. To stop feeling what I am enduring right now. To slip below the surface and remain there for a bit. To just not think for a time and let the black space take me over. There is a war going on inside of my head right now as both sides of me argue their case.

Logically, I know what I need to do. I need to reach out to my support system and gain some perspective. I need to get out of emotional mind and head over to rational. I know this. And yet, that other part of me is taunting me and daring me to go thru with what it wants. Just give in and let go.

I know that if I do give in the stuff I’ll have to deal with on the other side will be worse, but let’s face it…I’ve always been an instant gratification kind of girl.

How is it that despite my 31 years my mom can still make me feel like I am 10 all over again?

A Sarah kind of day

Sarah McLachlan is probably my favorite musician. I just think she's incredible. And anyone who knows me...knows that she is who I listen to in the midst of any kind of emotional upheaval.

It's been a Sarah day. Hell, it's been a Sarah kind of year. Oh yeah. I feel like as of late I've been riding on this emotional roller coaster. And I want off. I don't like the constant ups and downs, the kind that flip you upside down and turn ya around. I feel like I keep passing some teenage kid who's in charge of stopping the ride, yelling for him to let me off, but he's too busy flirting with some girl in line to notice. At what point does the ride stop? Ok, maybe asking for the ride to stop is too much. How bout just slow down? Let me catch my breath and then speed back up instead of taking off around another corner and down a gigantic hill just after coming down one? Cause I'm getting dizzy and a little bit nauseous.

Work feels like that part of the roller coaster where you're flying around in circles, loop after loop. You're spiraling to the top only to never reach it...just going around and around and around. You think that you see an end or at least a respite from the breakneck speed, but it never comes. Rather, you're taking off around a smaller loop and it's worse than the ones before. I am so tired of it. I am so tired of the maintenance worker of that particular ride and the excuses that pour out from him as to why the ride isn't working. Take responsibility for your inability to fix the ride and the reason it's not working in the first place and get on with it. Stop blaming those of us who have either enjoyed the ride up until now or the person who serviced it before you. Seriously. Cut it out and let me off.

And then there's the scenery. It's the same thing that keeps flying past me. From where I'm sitting it's like I see the same images go past me every turn. I am alone on the ride as a single rider, but every where I look there are pairs. And I'm tired of having ride operators look at me funny for requesting a single seat or for feeling like crap because I am a single rider. How is it that I now find myself alone in line and the person who I didn't think would pair up any time soon, and definitely not before me, has found his permanent riding partner? That's not to say that I'm not happy for him or that I wanted to ride with him...I just didn't expect to be the last to be solo. And it's no fun riding solo when everyone else has a partner.

So, you see it's a Sarah day. It's a day where the wisdom that comes from her music helps to calm me down. To get me off the roller coaster and just be. I can find solace in her words, the hypnotic rhythm of the music.

"I love the time and in between the calm inside me in the space where I can breathe I believe there is a distance I have wandered to touch upon the years of reaching out and reaching in holding out holding in I believe this is heaven to no one else but me and I'll defend it as long as I can be left here to linger in silence if I choose to would you try to understand" --Elsewhere

Answer

God is so good!! Did you know that? Cause He is!!!!!

So, as you know, I felt horrible after my chat the other day. I didn't know what to expect when we'd be home together. I only could anticipate the awkwardness...the guilt to be magnafied so much that it would be palpable. How wrong I was! Praise God for that!

We were able to hold a normal conversation the night after for a few minutes and then when I got home last night we hung out for a couple of hours before I went to bed. It was as if the awful chat had never occured. And it was such a relief. But! That's not the best part!

She has an interview in VA with a school that she really wants to work with. How incredible is that?! I am so excited for her...not because this eases my guilt, but because this is what she really wants and I want her to have that. So, please be praying for her. She is supposed to go out on Dec. 8 or so. I will keep you updated.

I know that God is faithful and that He purposed this all for His glory and our good. Sigh...so much better.

Regrets

I am questioning whether or not I did the right thing. There's this empty hole in the pit of me that is growing larger and deeper as I think through what I did last night. Was it the right thing to do? Was it my decision? Was God involved? Am I doing what I need and she needs me to do? Have I acted outside of God's Will?

I was talking to my mom about it on the way in to work and if possible I feel even worse about the situation. When she answered she told me that she was just about to call and leave me a message because she wanted to tell me that she was thinking of me this morning and wanted me to know how much she loves me and how beautiful I am. I needed to hear that from her. So, I told her what had transpired and then just before she hung up she said that she was feeling conflicted because she knows that what I did was right, but that maybe she wasn't being objective...rather just taking my 'side' in the matter. After all, this person has no one. She is practically all alone in this world. And as my mom said, she has no one to call her and tell her how much she is loved and that she's beautiful. And I swear that at that moment a piece of my heart literally broke off.

I know that I take my family and friends for granted. So, when someone points that out with a tangible example of someone who doesn't have that well, ouch.

Please pray. Pray for this woman, pray for me, and pray for the situation. That's all I can do now...

Done...

I did it. Last night I had the chat that I have been putting off for some time with the friend that is staying with me. I was pretty much right....it sucked.

I got home from a night out with some girlfriends and, while it was later than I would have liked, I had decided that it had to be then. So, as I walked in from the garage I repeated my mantra: "You can do this. You are not responsible for her. She's an adult. You're not doing her any favors by letting her stay." So, I prayed one last time for Jesus to give me the words and walked in to the living room. She sort of set the conversation up with a question and I just let it all out.

It certainly didn't go as I'd rehearsed, mostly because I wanted the words out so I rushed them. For those of you who know me and know that I talk fast anyways, well...it was like I was on speed and the words rushed out of my mouth like they were on fire.

Once the words were out there...there was no taking them back. They just hung there like this big, black cloud. Her face went smooth and I could tell that she had shut down. She calmly responded to my words and then as fast as she could, without seeming like she was doing it as fast as she could, she turned, flipped the TV off, shut off the lights, grabbed the dog, and retreated to her bedroom...leaving me alone in the living room feeling like an evil b......I know. It's for the best. And yet, I can't help feeling intensely guilty and wrong. She has no one. And I mean no one. Did I not only just 'kick' her out, but also take away the only support that she has?

I pray that I did the right thing and not something from emotion or frustration. Did I, Lord? Was this Your Will or merely my design?