Limbo

When I was home at Christmas time I wrote about how I felt like a visitor in my own life...that while I visited friends and family it was disjointed and I felt disconnected. And here I am at home again and the feeling of not really belonging anywhere is just as pervasive and maybe even more evident now.

Being home hasn't been easy this time around. My mom's going through some pretty serious medical issues and so the vacation that I thought I was going to get has been almost non-existent. I thought I would be getting rest, relaxation, and pampering. Rather, I find myself in a cycle of frustration, hurt, and sadness as my best friend is, hopefully, temporarily 'missing'. After the year that I've had what with moving across the globe, adjusting to a new job, trying to make a life in a foreign culture, and what God has brought me through, I just needed a break. I haven't gotten that.

Ok. Fine. I can deal with that. My mom means everything to me and she has sacrificed so much for our family that I will do anything for her, but that's also a very lonely place to be in. (Let me pause here and say that while the situation with my mom is often heartbreaking it is not without hope. I know that our God is good. I know that our God is faithful. And I am trusting that He is making a way in the desert as He promises in Isaiah 43) My dad's at work all day and has his own stuff to deal with. My sisters' are not in town and while they support us as much as possible from where they're at when all is said and done it's just me and my mom alone here all day. And so when she asked me today who I was going to for fellowship, for support, and encouragement I realized that I couldn't name anyone other than my sisters, my best friend, and a couple of other people. Granted, I know that Jesus is always with me and that He is my Rock and has been my Rock, but He also created us for relationship, for community.

I guess where I'm at right now is realizing that I don't really belong anywhere anymore. In Rome, I don't have any friends outside of a couple of people because 1) my job keeps me so busy, and 2) I don't speak the language. Meanwhile, here in AZ those people who were my community have kind of dropped off the face of the planet for me. I've called/emailed/texted them and either I don't get a response or it becomes my responsibility to plan everything. And I'm tired of that. I feel invisible. I recognize that life is cyclical and that there is a season for everything under the sun and that people are often in our lives for only a season, but I guess there's a disconnect between my expectations and reality. I know that people are busy with their own lives, their own stuff...but I also know that we invest in what we really care about and what really matters. That's not to say that our friendships weren't cared for or didn't matter, but perhaps it was just for that season and these are relationships that weren't meant to go any further than they did.

I know that I'm not the best at keeping in touch when a friend moves away and I have to ask for forgiveness for that because I now know how it feels to be the one who leaves. It sucks. I guess if nothing else this now causes me to treat people differently as they come in and out of my life because I can relate. I moved around a lot when I was younger and I know what it's like to say goodbye and be the new girl on the block, but as a kid that's easier because kids are more welcoming. As an adult, we're settled, we're in niches, and it's oftentimes hard to insert yourself somewhere new.

I know that the Lord is doing something in my life and has been working in me in this area for quite some time. I know that ultimately whatever He is doing is for my good and His glory. I am trusting that His ways are better than my own. I often ask myself what I'm going to do after I am done in Rome and for a while there I didn't think I'd go back to Phoenix because let's face it: I am so over 117 degree weather, but then I thought I would return because I missed the community that I belonged to. But I don't really  belong to a community there anymore. So maybe what God is doing is preparing me for another 'frontier'; He's preparing me for when I return to the States to a place where I don't know anyone and have to start all over again. I don't know. At this point I'm just typing and trying to process my feelings and thoughts. Perhaps this is my virtual pity party. Whatever it may be, I can say that it feels pretty good to get this off my chest.

Too funny

I was nervous as anything today knowing that I was going to have to tell 'him' that I wasn't interested in seeing him anymore. I prayed all morning that God would intervene and would speak through me or do whatever He needed to do...hahahaha....never did I think that meant that 'he' wouldn't show up at all!

We were supposed to meet at 2:30. Well...2:35: no guy....2:40: no guy and no text....2:45: same....2:50: same...2:55: same. 3:00: I left.  I figured a half an hour was long enough to wait without any sort of communication. I asked a friend if I was supposed to call/text him to see where he was, but she said that at this stage I wasn't...it was all on him. So. I was stood up. Hahahahaha. I suppose that under normal circumstances this would be fairly embarrassing and I wouldn't be sharing it with the blogging world, but under these circumstances...well, I'm somewhat relieved.

I suppose that if these last two weeks have taught me anything it's that I will more than likely get a text message of some sort, but I'm not worried now. While I will  be considerate of his feelings because that's who I am and that's who God has called me to be...I won't beat around the bush. Finito.

Thank you Lord for all that you're teaching me through this. May I carry this lesson on to the next time....hahahaha.

Take My Life and Let It Be

1. Take my life and let it be
   consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
   Take my moments and my days,
   let them flow in ceaseless praise.
   Take my hands and let them move
   at the impulse of Thy love.
   Take my feet and let them be
   swift and beautiful for Thee.
   
   Take my voice and let me sing
   always, only for my King.
   Take my lips and let them be
   filled with messages from Thee.
   Take my silver and my gold
   not a mite would I withhold.
   Take my intellect and use
   every power as You choose.
   
   ::Chorus::
   Here am I, all of me.
   Take my life, it's all for Thee.
   
   Take my will and make it Thine
   it shall be no longer mine.
   Take my heart it is Thine own
   it shall be Thy royal throne.
   Take my love, my Lord I pour
   at Your feet its treasure store
   Take myself and I will be
   ever, only, all for Thee.
   Take myself and I will be
   ever, only, all for Thee.
   
   Here am I, all of me.
   Take my life, it's all for Thee.
   x3
   
   (Take my life, Lord take my life. Take all of me)
   
   Here am I, all of me.
   Take my life, it's all for Thee.
2. Frances R. Havergal, 1874 and Chris Tomlin
3. 
   

Learning

In my last post I asked God what it was that He was trying to teach me through my experience with the 'guy'. Honesty. That's what He's teaching me. Honesty.

What makes me so sure? Or why do I think this? Oh. Could it be because I received another text today asking me to go to coffee this afternoon? Yep. That's what happened. It happened cause I left the door open rather than closing it. So, now what to do? Here's what I'm going to do: I am going to meet him for coffee tomorrow and tell him in person. Isn't that going to suck? Yeah, it is. But! If I'd been honest from the get go the other day, I wouldn't be in this position now.

So, tomorrow I am going to be honest and tell him that I am just not interested. Lord, give me the words and the strength. I promise that from here on out....I will be honest!!!

Ciao....ok, not quite

So, I chickened out. I did. I didn't mean to, but I did. Sigh....

 I had an out today when 'he' asked me to dinner for tomorrow night. I couldn't go and I told him. Then, about 10 minutes later I received a text that essentially said: "Ah, I understand. You don't want to see me any more." Yes! I should have responded with..."Well, yes. I am headed home next week and I just don't think we have anything in common." What did I do instead? I wrote back: "I'm sorry, but it's just bad timing...my friends are here from the States, I'm leaving for home next week, and I'm busier than I thought I'd be." Granted, this is all true....it's jut not the whole truth. I thought that that would be it. Nope.

"Are you coming back?"

"Yes, in September."

"I'll see you in September maybe."

No! No maybe...but I left that door open because I was too afraid to close it...I didn't want to hurt him. UGH! Isn't it going to hurt more by letting him think that there's a future here? I should think so. I've been told so.

Here's what I'm thinking, though...I leave. I come back in September and by that time he will have forgotten all about me. It's possible, but still. I needed to step up and do what was right.

Sometimes that thing that you ask for and pray for for so long turns out to be the opposite of what you want or like. I've asked Jesus for so long for this opportunity and I get it (granted, not with "the" guy, but still) and it stinks. It's unnerving. It shows you how vulnerable we are as people. In all truth I admire him and respect him for putting himself out there...for having the courage to approach a complete stranger and start a conversation. Shouldn't I then reciprocate that vulnerability by letting him know that it's not happening? Sheesh....

On top of all this, I need to go back now and rewrite parts of a book I'm writing on singlehood plus add a whole new chapter. Always learning. Always going forward. Life. That's what this is. A great big life lesson....ok. What are you trying to teach me Lord? :)

Being the bad guy

Since my last post I have gone out once more with the 'guy'. The second date was definitely more awkward than the first, in my opinion. There were several moments where silence loomed before us, neither knowing what to say, and there were several moments when we could not communicate to the other what we wanted to say because of the language barrier. Then, there were a couple of moments where our cultural differences became even more apparent when something happened that to him was acceptable and to me was not simply because we're coming from two different cultural perspectives.

Personally, I thought that the last time we went out would be it and I would be spared from having to tell him that I wasn't interested in seeing him again in any way, shape, or form. (He's a nice enough guy, but we have nothing in common and so there's no point in continuing any sort of relationship.) As if it would be that easy...

He texted me today to see if I wanted to grab coffee, but I was busy with friends who came to visit from the States. Now I am left wondering what to say to him, how to communicate to him that I don't want to see him anymore. I'm trying to figure out how to navigate this whole dating thing and it's hard enough without having to add cultural differences to the mix, but that's what God has for me in this moment. For once I seem to be at a loss for words or what to even say. So, I guess it's up to me to be the 'bad guy' and put an end to all this...eek. I've never been good at that sort of thing in my own life.

As my friend, Heidi, pointed out today, though....it's a great story nonetheless.

Makes sense

Dating. A natural phenomenon for everyone. Or at least for everyone, but me. For much of my adult life when it comes to dating I have felt like a kid who has pressed her nose against the candy store window looking at all the sweet treats, but unable to indulge. That is, until now.

I had my first date today and I have to say...I now know why God protected me from this. I do not like it! There's too much pressure and as someone with a sensitive heart I know that I was not cut out for all this dating stuff! I was a nervous wreck beforehand and during. Granted, it was a date with someone whose first language is not the same as mine, but still...it was completely unsettling. I understand now why in His wisdom the Lord spared me these roller coaster feelings/emotions...dating is hard.