4 years

Well, here we are again at another anniversary of the beginning of my journey towards freedom from my eating disorder. Four years ago this week I checked myself into Remuda Ranch for the most incredible and life-changing 60 days. Again, I just want to take a moment to thank Jesus for the victory that He has given me and how He has sustained me these last 4 years. They haven't always been easy and there have been times where it would have been easier to succumb, but I held onto Him and He delivered me. I give glory and honor to the Lord!

I, too, thank my parents for the financial sacrifice they made so that I could get the help I needed. I am so blessed by the parents that I have and how God has used them in my life. Thanks Mom and Dad....you're the best!! Thanks, too, to my sisters for their unending support, prayers, encouragement, and love. You're my best friends!!

My friends were also amazing. They (particularly Lees and crew) sent me cards, called, and drove down to Chandler to see me. I am blessed to have them in my life.

To my sisters from treatment: I am praying for you and hope that you continue to fight the good fight. Victory is possible and recovery can be a reality.

To those who struggle: the road to recovery is long and hard, but it is worth it and it can be navigated. Know that I pray for all who struggle with ED and that there is help out there. Remuda Ranch is an amazing facility that changed my life.

Four years...wow.  I am not the same person I was and I expect that I'll be a different person on my 5th anniversary. I am excited to see what the Lord has for me in the coming year...

Everything's different

I was chatting with a friend of mine on the phone the other night and she told me that she was looking at some pictures that I recently posted online, wondering what was different about the way I looked. I told her that nothing was different. Sure, my hair is longer than it normally is, but other than that I haven't changed anything about my appearance. "You look happy," she remarked. I look happy. That statement got me thinking.

I went through the pictures that I have taken over the last year looking for any marked difference between how I looked then versus how I look now. Of course there are subtle differences between my appearance...my hair is longer, I've lost weight, I'm another year older, etc. But, did I look happier? Hmmmm...yes, I think I do. I look lighter, more at peace. And this causes me to ask myself why? What's the difference? Everything. Everything is different this year.

I started this year knowing what I was getting into. I knew what to expect, what needed to happen and when it needed to happen. I knew how to set better boundaries, how to make my expectations clear, and generally how to live here. I don't feel this constant sense of crushing stress, anxiety, and feelings of impotence. I am excited about what I'm doing. I love my job again.

I know, though, that in oder to get to where I am today I had to go through all that I did last year. I had to go through the growing pains to be able to enjoy where I am at now. We don't go through anything in life for naught. There is a purpose behind each and every experience. The Lord uses those times to refine us, to cause us to become more like Jesus, and to strip more of this world from who we are. More often than not it is times of greatest struggle, challenge, and pain that the Lord uses for our benefit and His ultimate glory. I think this is because we step away from ourselves because we often realize that we are in essence powerless, we are not in control, we are not the focus of the universe...He is. We essentially get out of God's way and let Him be who He is and let ourselves be dependent on Him. Or at least this is what I've experienced in times of challenge and change.

I am happier. I am more joyful. I am filled with a sense of excitement and energy again. I thank the Lord for all that I worked through to get me to this point. Through everything I have seen His grace, mercy, love, and strength in ways I may not have been open to before. Everything is different this year and I can't help but wonder how different or what the differences will be one year from now...

Well...that ended badly

You know, I try to do the right thing by people. I try to be honest, up front, and real. And this isn't always easy, not because I want to lie, but because I don't want to hurt people's feelings. I tend to be a little more tactful/soft so as not to hurt someone and it's sometimes to my own detriment. So when I decided in June that I needed to just come out and tell "C" that I didn't think we should see each other anymore it was a really hard decision for me and I knew that it would be uncomfortable and awkward. I didn't want to do it and was happy when I was stood up.

Since I've been back, though, he has called me close to 9 times and I knew that I had to confront the situation. The next time he called I was saying "Arrivederci." Easier said than done....

He called today while I was eating lunch with Lynda. I had asked her earlier this week if she would be there when I talked to him for nothing more than moral support. (And her being the amazing friend that she is agreed.) So he called and asked to get together for coffee. I told him that I couldn't because of work and that I didn't  think we were compatible because of my relationship with Jesus. And yet, he persisted and kept asking me out. And asking me out. And asking me out. AHHHHHHHHHH!!! I was being clear. I didn't know how to be any more clearer. Finally, I think the bulb went on in his head and he got it because the line suddenly went dead. Two seconds later I received a text cursing me in Italian. So, that's how it's going to be? Gotcha.

I know that this wasn't the relationship that God wanted for me. I know that he wasn't who I was supposed to be with, but is a little maturity, a little common decency too much to ask for? I guess so.

Here's what I don't get. I didn't lead him on. I didn't do him wrong. I wasn't something that I'm not nor did I promise anything. We went out for coffee. Twice. Where's the disconnect? And it's not as if I think I'm the most amazing person to ever grace the face of this earth that the lack of me in one's life would cause such heartache, such pain, such an emptiness that they would lash out in this way. I just don't get it. Am I naive or missing something? I don't think so....clearly, though, he is and I am better off for not having him in my life any longer. Still....what a good story.

Thankful

I think that for the most part most people would agree that they take their loved ones for granted. It's not that this is intentional, but it is just something that happens. And usually it isn't until something happens to them, to us, that this changes.

I know that I have taken for granted that my mom would be my mom, that she would be the best friend that I have known and loved forever, but it wasn't until she became sick this year and disappeared for a bit that I realized how much I have taken for granted. I received an email from her today that was so much like my 'old' mom that tears gathered in my eyes. It's been nearly 5 months since I've caught a glimpse of her and it was just so great to have hope confirmed. I know that she is finding her way back to who she is, that the Lord is restoring her, and it's just such a blessing to bear witness to her return. I know that there will still be hard days ahead of us, but this is the first glimpse of my mom in so long that I can't help, but praise God and trust that when I go home for Christmas I will be greeted by my temporarily missing best friend.

Pursued

I have been back in Rome for a week now after being at home for a little over 2 months. Before I left I went out with a guy a couple of times, but there wasn't any sort of 'sparkage' nor did I feel that God was leading me to continue seeing him. After an uncomfortable conversation via text and then being stood up for a date that I was going to use to tell him I didn't think we should see each other any longer, I figured we were finito and that would be that. How wrong I was.

He texted me once and called me twice before I left for the States in June--this all after he stood me up. I didn't talk to him at those times because I either didn't have available minutes on my phone or I missed the call. Needless to say I was glad to be heading home thinking that by the time I returned to Rome whatever that was would for sure be done. Again, how wrong I was.

Here's the thing about Italian cell phones: if your phone is off it tells you who called it while it was off when you do turn it back on. He called me on the day I arrived back in Rome and then two days later while my phone was dead. Since then he has called me two more times; I have missed both calls.

My heart has longed to be pursued by a suitor for a really long time, but this is not how I imagined it going down. Or at least not with this particular person. We have nothing in common nor, and most importantly, does he love Jesus. That's a deal breaker for me. I admit, though, that on the one hand it is a nice big ego boost to have someone so obviously want to spend time with me, but then at the same time it's too much and kind of freaking me out a bit.

It's funny how often times we ask the Lord for something we want almost desperately only to receive some variation of that and realize that perhaps what it was that we wanted wasn't necessarily for our good at that moment, but God sort of says "Ok. You want this so badly...I'm going to let this happen and  then you'll have to deal with the consequences of not waiting on Me."

This is what happens when I move ahead of God....

Quality, not quantity

I spent this past weekend in Phoenix one last time before I head back to Rome visiting friends and my sister. Considering all that's going on at home with my mom and her health, I was really looking forward to getting away and spending time with friends I hadn't seen yet and more time with the sister.

As mentioned in a previous blog some of the friends I hadn't seen have sort of fallen off the face of the earth and I was hoping to see them, but after not hearing from them and then finding that they had other plans, I didn't get to see them at all. I was, of course, very disappointed and somewhat hurt. It just felt like I was hit with another unanticipated disappointment in a summer filled with them. But then I realized something as I was talking to my mom on the phone on Saturday afternoon that put everything in to perspective.

I spent Wed. night and most of the next day with my best friend who had a baby 2 weeks ago. She and I haven't had much alone time in quite a while and it was so good to just be with her. We had the best time just hanging out like we used to, going to dinner, and playing with her kids. Then, I met up with a friend for frozen yogurt to catch up. After that, I went to my sister's and had dinner with her, my brother-in-law, and my cousin. On Friday I met some ladies I used to work with for lunch and then headed to my dear friend Lisa's home where I spent most of the afternoon chatting with her about life and basking in the amazingness that is her kids. After that, I met up with a good friend for dinner. She and I haven't had much time together in the last several years and it was such a treat. I spent Saturday shopping and hanging out with my cousin. Two of my old friends dropped by that evening to get ice cream and watch a movie. (God Bless Justine for blessing me with Starbuck's Toffee Nut syrup and many boxes of Via). Today I met with one of my former students for a coffee and then I had lunch with my other best friend...again, one-on-one time that we so rarely get and after that I met up with another friend I hadn't seen in forever because she'd moved from Phoenix.

I shared this whirlwind activity with my mom and that's when I had my "AHA" moment. Yes, I didn't get to see all of people that I wanted to, but looking at who I got to spend my time with and the amount of quality time I got to spend with them was just what I needed and such a tremendous blessing. These women are all women who have greatly impacted my life and who challenge me in my walk with Christ and who I am becoming. They each love me well. And God knew that. He knew that when He allowed me to go to Phoenix and when He allowed my expectations for the weekend to be shaken it was for my benefit and for the restoration and encouragement of my heart.

I am so thankful for the weekend that I had because I got to be with the people that I love and the time I spent with them was better than I had hoped for because I got their undivided attention and they got mine to talk about our lives, laugh about what's been going on, and encourage one another. I sometimes forget that it's not about how many friends I have or how many friends I get to see when I am home, but rather it's about the quality of time I get to spend with those who I call friend and how much more valuable that is. I am thankful for the weekend that I had and that it wasn't the one that I'd expected. Quality is so much better than quantity.

Size matters

I have a new favorite TV show: Drop Dead Diva. It's funny, touching, witty, and sheds light on a subject near and dear to my heart: body image.

The show centers on its main female character, Jane. Or Deb. It depends. See Deb was a model who was killed in a car accident. Her soul makes its way to the "pearly gates," but when she accidentally pushes a button on her case workers computer her soul is sent back to Earth to inhabit a recently departed body, Jane. Deb is every stereotypical thing you think of when you think blonde model: self-absorbed, flighty, airhead, and more. Jane, however, is a brilliant lawyer who seems to be out of touch socially. Did I forget to mention that she's "plus-sized"?

Yep, Jane is overweight. And for Deb, this is close to her definition of hell.

What is so intriguing about this show is that the character has an opportunity to experience life as the "other half" do, that is she gets to experience life in a body that doesn't fit society's mold, what is deemed acceptable. And that's hard for her. On the one hand she gets it because she was the person on the other side, making snide remarks about overweight women, judging them based upon their looks, but now she is experiencing those same things but from the other angle. She's the one who is the target of the remarks, the judgements...and it hurts and angers her.

I think this is fabulous. If nothing else, I hope this show sparks conversation and helps us to stop and think before we judge someone based on their size. I hope this show sparks someone's thought process towards themselves as they belittle themselves because they ate a "bad" food or had a "bad" food day...whether they're a size 4 or a size 24. Our lives should not be measured by the size of our pants, but rather who we are and what we do with the life we've been given. I, for one, hope that this show is a stepping stone towards healing for a culture that seeks to place more importance, more value on what a person looks like instead of who they are.

Catch Drop Dead Diva on Lifetime.