Regrets

I am questioning whether or not I did the right thing. There's this empty hole in the pit of me that is growing larger and deeper as I think through what I did last night. Was it the right thing to do? Was it my decision? Was God involved? Am I doing what I need and she needs me to do? Have I acted outside of God's Will?

I was talking to my mom about it on the way in to work and if possible I feel even worse about the situation. When she answered she told me that she was just about to call and leave me a message because she wanted to tell me that she was thinking of me this morning and wanted me to know how much she loves me and how beautiful I am. I needed to hear that from her. So, I told her what had transpired and then just before she hung up she said that she was feeling conflicted because she knows that what I did was right, but that maybe she wasn't being objective...rather just taking my 'side' in the matter. After all, this person has no one. She is practically all alone in this world. And as my mom said, she has no one to call her and tell her how much she is loved and that she's beautiful. And I swear that at that moment a piece of my heart literally broke off.

I know that I take my family and friends for granted. So, when someone points that out with a tangible example of someone who doesn't have that well, ouch.

Please pray. Pray for this woman, pray for me, and pray for the situation. That's all I can do now...

Done...

I did it. Last night I had the chat that I have been putting off for some time with the friend that is staying with me. I was pretty much right....it sucked.

I got home from a night out with some girlfriends and, while it was later than I would have liked, I had decided that it had to be then. So, as I walked in from the garage I repeated my mantra: "You can do this. You are not responsible for her. She's an adult. You're not doing her any favors by letting her stay." So, I prayed one last time for Jesus to give me the words and walked in to the living room. She sort of set the conversation up with a question and I just let it all out.

It certainly didn't go as I'd rehearsed, mostly because I wanted the words out so I rushed them. For those of you who know me and know that I talk fast anyways, well...it was like I was on speed and the words rushed out of my mouth like they were on fire.

Once the words were out there...there was no taking them back. They just hung there like this big, black cloud. Her face went smooth and I could tell that she had shut down. She calmly responded to my words and then as fast as she could, without seeming like she was doing it as fast as she could, she turned, flipped the TV off, shut off the lights, grabbed the dog, and retreated to her bedroom...leaving me alone in the living room feeling like an evil b......I know. It's for the best. And yet, I can't help feeling intensely guilty and wrong. She has no one. And I mean no one. Did I not only just 'kick' her out, but also take away the only support that she has?

I pray that I did the right thing and not something from emotion or frustration. Did I, Lord? Was this Your Will or merely my design?

Mind your own business

What is it with people who think that they can share your business with others? Especially after you've specifically asked them not to!? It's enough that I've had to share some things with people recently that I haven't wanted to, but then to have someone else, someone who has no reason to share my life with others by the by, make that information public is not ok?! Did he even stop to think or remember that I asked him not to? I am not ready for this info to be out there for everyone to know...there are still too many who are too close to me who don't know. AHHHHHHHHHH!! And he wonders why I have issues trusting him...gee, where did that come from? Where would I have ever gotten the impression that he's untrustworthy? Shocking...

I guess what makes me so angry isn't so much the fact that the information was shared...it was that I wasn't the one to share MY private information. It's really only my right to share it with whom I want to and when I want to. There is a steady stream of profanity that wants to escape my lips right now...to bust through this perfectly crafted facade. I want to remain cool, calm, and collected, but dammit...he's making it oh so hard! All I can say is I am pissed....

No favors

For the past 5 months I have been letting a friend of sorts stay with me since she was out of a job. I feel really badly for her because she hasn't been able to find anything yet and is basically all alone in this world. I've been blessed with more than enough space, so I told her that she could stay with me for a bit. Well, I certainly didn't expect that to lead to 5 months.

I've been meaning to have a conversation with her about moving out because I really want it to happen. I need my space!!!!!! I can't handle her dog and we're just really different. But, everytime I make up my mind to say something...I get sidetracked. Either something happens in her life that would make that conversation even worse or something happens in my life that prevents me from being home to have that discussion. I don't know, though, if it's so much that I am just chickening out or if I should just let her stay. Ughh!!! I hate this. I don't want to have to be the one to "kick" her out. I feel so guilty, but I know that there's no reason for me to feel guilty. I've done nothing, but offer her grace, compassion, and hospitality.

So, here's what I need: PRAYER. If you think of it please pray: 1) She gets a job, 2) I stop enabling her and give her a deadline, 3) God would open the door to that conversation.

Lord, help me.

Sharing is caring...

It's been a rough night. It had the potential to be good and I suppose that in some ways it was, but it has left my head throbbing and my heart broken a bit.

I took my leadership team to dinner tonight. I try to get together with them as a group for some fun once a month and we haven't done this in awhile. We went to Fuddruckers and were talking about some things that were going on in the office when our names were called to signal our waiting food. So, we got up from the table and went to claim our meals. I told my student who knows that I am moving to Italy that I was so close to telling them about my plans for next year and she told me I should. So, with hands shaking and butterflies the size of dragons in my stomach I sat back down at the table. I said "Let's finish our conversation and then I have some news..." They must have known that it wasn't going to be good because of the looks on their faces. So, I put it out there: This is my last year at Canyon. I am moving to Italy in August.

It hurts to remember their faces. One started crying, another looked away to avoid my eyes, the one who knew looked down so that they wouldn't see that she knew, and the last one shut down. The questions came out in a flood and I tried to answer as many as I could, but what hurt was when many of them said that they didn't want to be in leadership next year if I wasn't there. While I admit that I was selfishly glad that this was the case, I knew and know that this is not what's best for them. It shouldn't matter who leads them if God has called them to be leaders themselves. I can't begin to imagine someone taking my place, once again...selfish, but I know that my girls (as I affectionately call them) need to be in leadership. They have so much to offer our school and the students. It would be wrong to withhold that. And I do honestly hate that I won't be there to get to watch what the Lord has for them in the coming two years. I hate that I won't get to be around to hear them burst through the front lobby door and make their way to my office. I hate that I won't get to hear "Kristen Snyder! Kristen Snyder!" on a daily basis. I hate that I won't be there for them when they're hurting or for when they celebrate. But I also know that the Lord has plans for my life outside of Canyon and so that must mean that He has plans for their time there. Right?

I have always said that I just want to make a difference in the lives of students, to make an impact. I know that I have because I see it in them. What's astonishing as well, though, is to see the impact that they and all those who have come before them have made on my life. I have been irreversibly changed for having been allowed to flit into their lives for a blip in light of eternity. The journey has been short, but man! it has been sweet....

Perspective

I guess all it takes is a good night's sleep to gain a little perspective...and a call from mom. I was reminded this morning that no matter who sits in the White House the One who sits on the throne is the One really in control. And so I am taking the posture that I trust God. No matter how the election went...no matter how disappointed and sad I am for our nation...God is still in control and there is no way to ever change that. And so, I commit today to pray for our new president and our nation. May we know the redemptive and redeeming power of Christ.

Feeling discouraged? See Psalm 37....it's amazing...just as Our God is!

Sigh....

I've always considered myself educated when it comes to the world of politics. I'm not claiming to be some sort of political science genius...just informed. So, this election has been something of a thorn in my side when I see my generation and the generation below me turning out in droves to elect a man that they know nothing about. They know that he's charasmatic. They know that he wants to change this country. That's all. They know nothing else. They know nothing about his policies. About his associations. About his record. About his socialist leanings. They have no clue and yet!!! they have elected him president. God help us and thank you Lord that I will be in another country for three of his four years in office. I am sad to be an American tonight and scared for our country. Then again, this may be what we deserve after turning our backs on the Lord for so long....