3 years

It was three years ago that I entered treatment for my eating disorder. I just finished reading my post from last October about it being 2 years. Again, where did that year go? Where did those three years go??

It's been a great year and so much has happened. So much has happened that three years ago would have caused me to use my eating disorder to cope, but I haven't, I didn't. Instead, I've used the skills that I learned and I reached out to those in my life God has blessed me with...my family, friends, and amazing dietician.

I thought that moving to Italy, and all the stress that brings with it, would cause me to stumble, but instead it has helped me to see how far I've come and all that I have within me (gifts from God) to cope in a healthful way.

Thank you Jesus for these last three years! Looking forward to year 4!

Dreams and reality

It's funny what happens when your dreams come true. Suddenly the place you find yourself in isn't quite what you thought it would be and you find yourself asking the questions "what was I thinking?" or "I thought that this is where I was supposed to be and if so, why is it so hard?"

I had the dream of living in Italy stored up in my heart for 16 years and here I am asking myself these questions. I was so certain that this is where God called me and yet it's been by far the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life and there doesn't seem to be any reprieve. Everyday brings new and more difficult challenges that I just take a step back and handle only to have something else come over. How much can one person truly handle? What was God thinking when He gave me my hearts desire? What was He thinking that I am capable of? How come I don't trust that I can do this or have any confidence in the fact that I know I am supposed to be here? When will it start feeling normal and like a real job and my life instead of an uphill battle?

Even still, I have to remember that which I have been blessed with. This is what gets me through, remembering what God has given me and all that He provides. I am thankful for the Bible study that I am a part of on Mondays and for the women that God is brining into my life through it. I am thankful for Lynda's presence here. I am thankful for students and getting to do life with them. I am thankful for the Sisters who offer me encouragement and who pray for me. I am thankful for my family and friends at home who lift me up in prayer daily. I am thankful that my friends and family have the means to visit me. I am thankful that I have a job right now. I am thankful that I have a place to live, food to eat, and basic necessities. I am thankful that God's grace is sufficient for me and His power is perfected in my weakness. I am trusting in that big time right now...that His power is perfected in my weakness because I am so weak right now.

God's making diamonds

Diamonds. For the most part they are associated with engagements, weddings, anniversaries and pleads for forgiveness. Marilyn Monroe proclaimed that diamonds are a "girl's best friend" in Gentleman Prefer Blondes, De Beers claims that a "diamond is forever." Take your pick. The world has a lot to say about this precious gem, but do you know how these stones are formed? Do you know the process a diamond goes thru before it finds its way into a blue Tiffany box?

Diamonds are formed at high-pressure, high-temperature conditions within the Earth's mantle, about 100 miles below the Earth's surface. It is not known how long it takes a diamond to form exactly, but Cate Lineberry with the Smithsonian magazine writes that "diamonds may start to grow and then there may be an interruption for some reason – a change in conditions, temperature, pressure, source of carbon, whatever—and they could sit for millions, hundreds of million of years, and then start growing again." Interesting. So, what we see in the stores, on a finger may have gone through a harder process to make it to those places than merely being unearthed. They had to go through a process that continuously applied pressure, heat to them, and what results from this is often times a breathtaking gemstone...a precious commodity.

Isn't this how life, our growth in Christ often goes? It's through times of great pressure, heat and a period of constant change or interruption that we find we have been transformed the most? Don't we too continue to grow? Isn't it when we feel as though we are getting it from all angles, above, below, side-to-side, that we begin to see our bare minerals being transformed into a precious commodity? Notice, too, that Lineberry doesn't say that after all of this pressure, all of this heat that the diamond is now worthless, useless...rather, it becomes a beautiful, coveted, and sought after jewel.

I am in the process of being made into a diamond right now...or at least that's how it seems. Pressure and heat from all sides are crushing me...refining me....hopefully making me into a better version of the raw materials Jesus gave me and is now re-shaping. I know that this time of refinement is for my benefit and to God's glory, but that doesn't have to mean that I like it all of the time. It hurts. It's painful. It's lonely and causes me to weep. It has also caused me to cry out to Jesus in the midst of the incredible pressure. I know that our Lord is faithful, He is just, and He will never leave me nor forsake me. He is always with me and seeks to only give me what is good for me. So, I have to ultimately trust that He knows better than I. That He knows what I can and cannot bear. That He knows what is best for me. That He knows that at the end of this I, like a diamond, will refract light...but it will be the Light of life, the Light of man, the Light that casts out all darkness. And so I will go thru this. I will survive...because it will bring glory to His name.

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

I want to go home

That's right. I want to go home. I want my mommy. I want my own bed. I want my own food. I want my own language for cryin' out loud!

Today has been a pretty crappy day and quite honestly the thought of just packing up and heading home is ridiculously tempting to say the least. There's just a lot going on and I'm overwhelmed by the enormity of it. It didn't help that some things were said and requested in our community meeting this morning that triggered my eating disorder as well. Mind you I didn't do anything...didn't binge or anything like that, but the urge was debilitating in some ways.

I know that this is where I am to be. I know that God has a purpose in my being here. But right now it's just hard to see that and to trust that when everything just comes crashing over me.

I can't say that my entire day sucked. There were some bright points. First, I received a wonderful, and much needed, card of encouragement from a student. Second, I went to my first Bible study class and was encouraged. And third, I talked to my mom and that always makes things all better.

I know that this is a season and it will pass. It just sucks having to go thru it and feel so alone here in it. Please pray for me in this and that the Lord would in deed be my rock and my comforter.

Can someone just give me a break?

So, things haven't been going as smoothly as I would have wanted them to here in Rome. There have been some major hold-ups and it's creating some issues.

First, it was decided that rather than opening a joint bank account in the States with my boss so that he could easily deposit money and I could withdraw, I would open an account here. Well, that process was started 3 weeks ago and we're no further. I have been using my corporate credit card to survive. When it was just myself and Lynda that was fine, but now that students are here it's just created a lot of issues. I need money to give to them to buy food. I need money to do things with them. And the natives are getting restless.

Second, the cell company we were gonna use was a bust. What we were told and what was true were not the same things. And so we are now without means to communicate with our students and vice versa. The other issue with this is that we were going to use the cell phones to communicate when students were at the gate and needed to be let in. Now, we have to set certain times when they can come and go..again, the natives are getting restless.

There are 2 students who have just been complaining about these issues...and they've only been here 3 days. I feel as if I have failed in some way and I am beyond frustrated. I think that the expectations that they have aren't real. They're ridiculous and I am sick of hearing about it...and they've only been here 3 days.

I understand their frustration...but at the same time they need to calm the heck down. They need to remember that I have completely uprooted my entire life for 3 YEARS....not 3 months. I am trying to navigate my way thru a culture that is unfamiliar to me as well. This is not the US. Things are different here and trust me, this country takes its time getting things done. They have no idea what it's like to feel completely alone and just want someone to know you...but they don't because you can't even speak their language. They have no idea what it's like to want to be with your family and friends...and not be able to for quite a while. They have no idea how hard it's been to try to get things done and be completely unsuccessful. They have no idea what it's like to work in the place that you live...to never have a break..a place for just me...without anyone else...without someone wanting something or wanting to complain about something.

I just want to not feel stressed, tense, and like I'm failing everyone all of the time. I don't think that's too much to ask. Just some grace. That's all I want.

Perspective

I've had several "aha" moments this week when it finally has hit me that I am in Rome. I don't think that I'll ever get over the fact that I am living in Italy...and hope that I don't lose the wonder because if I ever get to the point where I say "Ugh. The colosseum again?" we're in trouble.

Technology has been great because I've been able to talk to people and stay in touch...but it's also made me a bit homesick. For the first time since I've arrived I miss home...I miss the people...I miss not being a part of things there because I get to see pictures or hear stories about the things that I am not involved in. Don't get me wrong...I'd rather have it this way than when I was here in high school and it was a treat just being able to talk to my parents once a week for 5 minutes, but still...