Raw

The dam finally broke and I was hit hard with a tidal wave of homesickness that crashed over me on Monday night. The force and suddenness of it was overwhelming and somewhat shocking. It came on slowly, gradually. Starting with feelings of restlessness, it built into agitation, until finally waves of loneliness, grief, sorrow, loss, and sadness swept over me again and again. I knew that it was only a matter of time that I experienced these feelings and, as I posted earlier, I was surprised that it took so long to get here. Of course, I have to admit that I probably hadn’t given myself permission to experience it and had numbed out with old behaviors. But. Knowing what I do and having been through what I’ve been through, I also know that feelings do not stay buried for very long. They will eventually bubble to the surface and will typically burst forth with greater force and power than they would have if you’d just allowed them to happen naturally. And that’s what happened on Monday as I found myself having difficulty breathing as a result of a lot of crying.

It would be sad and downright depressing if that’s where I stopped, where I let my story end, if that’s all I had to say. Thankfully, though, it's not.

While Monday night was painful and uncomfortable, it wasn’t unwelcome. While it has left me raw and feeling as though I could cry at the drop of a hat, it was good. By no means am I a masochist, quite the opposite really. Rather, what I have experienced has allowed me to really feel and express the emotions that I know I buried deep. I was able to process through those thoughts and things that I have been avoiding, face the changes in my relationships that moving necessitated, and really just allow myself to acknowledge that my life is now different…a little unknown…a little unsure…and a little scary. And that’s ok. I’m ok.

I spent some time looking over what I have posted the last couple of months and I was embarrassed to see how often this theme or other themes that I perceive to be “downers” surface. I don’t want to be Debbie Downer. I’d much rather be Pollyanna. And so I felt a little guilty subjecting the blog universe to what I think is incessant complaining, whining, and bitching. But then I stopped myself. That’s not true. My life has just been a little rough these last couple of months and I’ve experienced and been through some junk. And I know I’m not alone. I know that there are a lot of people out there who are hurting and so I hope that through my vulnerability they won’t feel alone, feel shame in what it is that they’re going through or feeling.

Like I said earlier, if this is where I ended that would be sad. Well, maybe not sad, but unresolved, unsettled somehow. Rather, here’s where this ends: it ends with me feeling raw, but at the same time feeling the arms of my Savior firmly around me. It ends with me knowing that there are many days ahead like this, but I know that I do not go alone. Jesus goes with me. That’s the beauty of going through times of uncertainty, unfamiliarity, and inadequacy because it’s in those moments that you really can experience Jesus as Comforter, Rock, and Refuge. And that’s a sweet and safe place to be.